The Order of the Abbey, Part Five: We’re Taking This Show on the Road
Act II
Curtain opens on a road in Gortia. In the distance there is a large cave. In front of the cave is a sign that says “Shortcut for Adventurers!” written in blood. Vultures feed on bones just outside the mouth of the cave. Near the road is a sign which reads, “Welcome to Gortia.”
GUY, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, VIRGIL, and FLOYD enter on foot.
FLOYD:
Sings
Oh, where are we bound for?
CHRIS TENNISON: Illrea!
FLOYD: What will we do there?
CHRIS TENNISON: I don’t know!
FLOYD: Why are we going?
CHRIS TENNISON: To meet some guys!
FLOYD & CHRIS TENNISON: Ill-re-a!
BRIX:
Spoken
You guys know we’re going to Illrea to meet the head of the Illrean Rangers, right?
FLOYD: Well, we do now.
BRIX: While we were in Larst, Virgil met a ranger who invited him to Illrea to meet the head of his organization.
CHRIS TENNISON: Why?
VIRGIL: Well, presumably because we’re up and coming adventurers, whose exploits are starting to be known far and wide.
FLOYD: You’re welcome.
VIRGIL: Among other things, we fought and defeated Doogal, took on the evil cultists of Krissk, explored Scar Canyon, purged the Tower of the Broken Moon, conquered the Tower of Puzzles, released the ghost from the Dagda Bridge, and escaped from the clutches of Cardinal Nikolai and killed his servant Faust, thereby avenging the death of our father figure, Abbott Teris.
GUY: Although I can’t help but feel there’s some major exploit that we’re forgetting.
FLOYD: Don’t worry. I’m sure it will come back to bite us in the ass eventually.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, look! A cave!
GUY: And it says shortcut for adventurers! We should use it.
BRIX: But what of the bones of these dead adventurers that lie strewn about the mouth of the cave?
GUY: I’m sure they’re unrelated.
VIRGIL: Says the axe-man!
GUY: What are you implying?
VIRGIL: I’m saying, Brix and I, we’re the ones that get paid to think around here! Let us decide how safe this cave shortcut is!
GUY: Oh, by all means, great thinker. Make up your mind!
FLOYD: Is anyone interested in my opinion?
GUY: No!
VIRGIL: Not really.
FLOYD (to the audience) We ended up taking the cave shortcut.
Interior of the cave flies in. It is spooky and scary.
GUY: This may have been a bad idea.
VIRGIL: I told you!
GUY: Now, Virgil. Don’t become the sort of person who runs from danger.
VIRGIL: If I ever become that sort of person, Floyd has my permission to humiliate me in his puppet musical.
FLOYD: Meta!
The cave starts to grow darker.
BRIX: I have a bad feeling about this, fellas.
VIRGIL: Is your cleric-sense tingling?
BRIX: While I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist, you’re not far off, Virgil. I’m a dwarf, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt uneasy and uncomfortable about being underground.
FLOYD: But you weren’t raise underground, you were raised at the Abbey.
BRIX: It’s in my blood, Floyd.
FLOYD: Now you’re just allowing yourself to be stereotyped.
BRIX: Oh, really? And how many names do you have, o wearer of silly hats?
FLOYD: I withdraw my objection.
A glowing circle appears at the edge of the stage. The party approacheth.
CHRIS TENNISON: Are glowing circles ever good?
VIRGIL: Sometimes.
CHRIS TENNISON: So how do we find out?
BRIX: Looks to be some writing around the edge of the circle, but it’s too dim to read.
Suddenly, a disembodied voice chimes in from the other side of the circle.
VOICE: It’s a portal.
BRIX: Oh, thanks. Wait, what?
Weapons are drawn.
VIRGIL: A portal to where?
VOICE: Come in and you’ll find out.
CHRIS TENNISON: Um, thank you, but no.
VOICE: What’s the matter, Chris Tennison? Afraid of what you’ll find here?
CHRIS TENNISON: How- how do you know my name? I’m pretty sure even my parents don’t know I was reincarnated.
VOICE: I’ve been watching you. I’ve been watching you all.
GUY: Well, creepy as that may be, I think it’s time for us to go.
VOICE: Oh, no, Guy Axefury. Do not go. Stay, and feast your eyes upon the horrors of Hell!
The portal glows with intense brightness. Much screaming and running as the party exits hurriedly.
GUY: Run, run, run!
BRIX: Which way?
FLOYD: Eeny, meany, miney, Floyd! This way!
The party turns a corner, and exits. The cave flies out, revealing a hillside on the other side of the entrance to the cave. Nearby, a village square. Several peasants are having a party, with lots of cranberries, squash, cabbage, and pumpkin, as well as a large cooked fowl. There is dancing around a big campfire. Music from a fiddle an fife.
The party crests the hill running at full speed. This catches the attention of the villagers, who watch in wonder as the party runs down the hill, through their small village, and exits the other side. The villagers look at each other quizzically. Suddenly, Floyd re-enters, followed by the others.
VIRGIL: Um, Floyd? Why did you stop running?
FLOYD: Sorry, boys. I’ve got to get some of this pregnant.
A fair maiden approaches Floyd and hands him a mug.
MAIDEN: Welcome to our village, handsome gnome!
FLOYD: Welcome to Floyd’s tally sheet, fair maiden!
FLOYD pulls out a piece of paper on which is scrawled a list.
What’s today’s date? I’ll need to know that for future paternity suits.
MAIDEN: Why, everyone knows it’s the middle of high autumn!
GUY: Are you kidding me? I thought it was winter!
MAIDEN: It would be most peculiar if we had our autumnal equinox festival in the winter, slightly less attractive gnome.
VIRGIL: The cave…
BRIX: High autumn?
GUY: (looking at Floyd’s paper) Tally sheet…
GUY, VIRGIL, and BRIX: (together) The Harvester!
VIRGIL: Holy shit!
BRIX: We have to find him!
GUY: When is the date of the equinox?
MAIDEN: Ten nights from now.
VIRGIL: Jonathan dog crap!
BRIX: This is bad, this is bad.
FLOYD and the MAIDEN exit surreptitiously.
We don’t even know where we’re going to find him.
Suddenly a man steps forward from the villagers. It is DR. ETHAN.
ETHAN: Actually, we do.
CHRIS TENNISON: Dr. Ethan! Well, knee me in the crotch!
An oafish looking villager obliges.
Oomph! (Weakly) What gives?
ETHAN: Garam and I have worked out that the Harvester will begin his rampage at the Valley of the Fallen Stars, just east of centaur run, on the other side of the Bloody Crag, which incidentally, is the only way to get to the valley.
GUY: Through the crag?
ETHAN: That’s right.
GUY: Well, we could use the fighting practice. Come on, gang.
ETHAN: Garam and I will meet you there. We just need to talk one other person into joining us.
ETHAN exits. FLOYD re-enters, adjusting his hat, followed by the MAIDEN.
MAIDEN: Floyd! Will I ever see you again?
FLOYD: Sure thing, random village maiden. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to save the world.
GUY: Ready?
FLOYD: Born ready.
BRIX: To the crag?
ALL: To the crag!
The party exits. The villagers join hands and dance around the fire as music resumes.
VILLAGERS:
Singing
Hail, Equinox
Mysterious night
The moon and stars
That glow so bright
Call to the spirits
Who take flight
And we revel
Until we see the light!
The campfire and the villagers fly out, revealing the interior of the Bloody Crag, a series of cliffs, caverns, and mountainside that serves as a perfectly defensible fortress. Within, a group of GNOLLS, ORCS, and other assorted low-level baddies are engaged in a battle with the party. The good guys are winning, but they’re sweating.
VIRGIL: Why are these gnolls so adamant about defending their lives?
VIRGIL lets loose an arrow, which flies smack dab into the middle of a GNOLL WARRIOR. The arrow lets loose an electric current, and the GNOLL falls dead.
GUY: I know, right? All we did was invade their fortress and only homestead.
GUY cleaves through two ORCS.
BRIX: Some creatures simply can’t appreciate hero work.
BRIX casts a spell and a column of fire engulfs several enemies.
CHRIS TENNISON: Those who live through this carnage will surely thank us someday.
CHRIS TENNISON swings his staff at an orc, but misses wildly and falls down.
FLOYD: Don’t worry. I’ll paint a flattering picture of the entire episode.
FLOYD stabs a gnoll in the eye. He falls to the ground, convulsing with shock.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal a gorgeous valley, surrounded by snowy mountain peaks. Above, the stars shine with an intense brightness. Below, a valley floor made of pure obsidian, the surface of which is so reflective that the stars seem to be an infinite mirror into the abyss within the face of the rock. GARAM, GOLDSCHMIDDT, and DR. ETHAN stand near the entrance from the mouth of the crag. FLOYD, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, GUY, and VIRGIL emerge, bloodied, bruised, but victorious. BRIX immediately begins healing the party.
CHRIS TENNISON: Goldschmiddt? Ethan, Garam? How’d you guys get over here?
GARAM: We came through the crag, same as you.
VIRGIL: Then why were there so many gnolls and orcs in there?
ETHAN: Well, we told them that we needed to get over to this side, and they let us through.
CHRIS TENNISON: Really?
GARAM: Yes. It’s amazing what folks’ll do for you when you ask them nicely.
VIRGIL: Hmm. Imagine that.
GUY: So, what’s the plan?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: The Harvester cannot be harmed by normal means –
GUY: What’re you calling normal, Goldschmiddt? I mean, have you seen my axe?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Your axe will be useless here. You must use the weapon I am providing to you.
GUY: Very well. Bestow upon me your mighty weapon.
GOLDSCHMIDDT reaches into his boot and pulls out a small dagger.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: There you go.
GUY: I am unenthused.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Listen to me! This is the only weapon known that will harm the Harvester.
FLOYD: Where did you get it?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: I had to send away for it. Guy, you’re the most competent warrior in hand-to-hand combat, so you’ll be in charge of stabbing him. The rest of you will have to keep him off balance.
FLOYD: Easy enough.
VIRGIL: Oh, really? You think so?
FLOYD: Sure. Watch.
A WIND sweeps though the valley, followed by a faint rustle. Then, from out of nowhere, THE HARVESTER leaps onto stage and falls into a combat crouch.
FLOYD: You’re late. The Harvest was supposed to start three days ago.
Confused, THE HARVESTER checks his watch, which apparently keeps track of the date.
Now!
The party leaps into action. CHRIS TENNISON charges, but slips and falls. BRIX puts up a wind wall between THE HARVESTER and ETHAN, GARAM, and GOLDSCHMIDDT. VIRGIL begins to cast. FLOYD clicks his heels, and winds up behind THE HARVESTER.
Flanked!
GUY: That’s all I need.
GUY charges at THE HARVESTER with the dagger. THE HARVESTER proves to be tremendously agile, dodging and parrying GUY’s thrusts, though GUY and FLOYD manage to stay with THE HARVESTER every step of the way. THE HARVESTER backs around, leaping off BRIX’s wind wall and swinging with his sickle at VIRGIL, who barely gets out of the way in time. VIRGIL, for his part, knocks THE HARVESTER around with a couple of magic missiles. THE HARVESTER recovers, and spin fakes FLOYD, effectively taking away the flanking position GUY had. THE HARVESTER then takes a couple of steps backward, preparing to fully engage his combat skills onto GUY.
However, he doesn’t realize that he has backed right into CHRIS TENNISON, who was slow to get up from his initial trip. CHRIS TENNISON, thinking quickly, holds out his staff below THE HARVESTER’s knees. Caught completely off guard, THE HARVESTER trips backwards, falling flat on the ground. In an instant, GUY is there. In a flash, he stabs THE HARVESTER three times: once in the chest, once in the neck, and a third time in the abdomen. As he pulls the knife away, he rips a large amount of fabric on THE HARVESTER’s tunic, revealing nothing underneath. THE HARVESTER’s scarecrow-like body contorts, then there is a flash of light, and the clothes fall to the ground lifeless before quickly crumbling into dust.
Stunned, the party looks around at each other, and quickly begins to celebrate!
VIRGIL: We did it!
FLOYD: We saved the world!
GOLDSCHIMDDT: Don’t get too excited – you’ve defeated The Harvester, but you haven’t destroyed him.
BRIX: What are you talking about?
ETHAN: This is The Betrayer you’re talking about, boys – you don’t just get rid of him. Defeating The Harvester returns him to his original position, hanging from the Old Mill. He can’t harm anyone from there, unless someone releases him again.
FLOYD: Which you’re saying someone could do.
ETHAN: That’s what I’m saying, yes.
BRIX: Well, that sucks donkey balls! I can’t believe we worked so hard to destroy a great evil, only to put it back at a flimsy risk of being re-released into the world!
ETHAN: What can I say? Such is the nature of evil, boys. You can’t completely eradicate it. You can only hope to contain it. The struggle is eternal.
VIRGIL: Still, this feels tremendously anti-climactic. We don’t even get a reward out of this.
GARAM: Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that.
GARAM, ETHAN, and GOLDSCHMIDDT exit. From within:
ETHAN: Jesus Jones! Who killed all the gnolls in here?
VIRGIL: (to the rest of the group) What in the flip florn flap is Garam talking about?
Suddenly, a light shines, and a small deck of cards appears. A long pause as the party stares at the artifact before them. Finally:
CHRIS TENNISON: Ooooooh.
Curtain Closes
END OF ACT II
Showing posts with label In-Game Documents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In-Game Documents. Show all posts
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Session XXI: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation
The Order of the Abbey, Part Five: We’re Taking This Show on the Road
Act I
Curtain opens on a ship in the middle of the ocean. SAILORS move sails and do other sailor-ish things. A CAPTAIN is at the wheel.
SAILORS:
Singing:
Longview girls, they have no combs,
Heave away, heave away,
They comb their hair with codfish bones,
We are bound for the Basilica!
Longview boys, they have no brains,
Heave away, heave away,
Their underpants have doody stains,
We are bound for the Basilica!
Heave away, my bully-bully boys,
Heave away, heave away,
Heave away and don’t you make a noise,
We are bound for the Basilica!
FLOYD enters from below deck, wearing a tri-corn hat with several large feathers.
FLOYD:
Spoken:
You call that a sea chanty?
FLOYD is followed by VIRGIL, GUY, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON. They are dressed in sailor slops, and seem ready for work.
Try this one.
Sings:
Heave, ho, heave ho!
Raise the sail, we’re on our way
Batten down the hatches and don’t be slow
We are bound to get to Larst someday!
The SAILORS glare at him.
It’s called panache. Get used to it.
The CAPTAIN approaches FLOYD.
CAPTAIN: Mr. Fiftynames –
FLOYD: Aye, aye, Cap’n?
CAPTAIN: You boys came aboard my ship from the Arimathean town of Longview –
FLOYD: That is where we were.
CAPTAIN: You agreed to work for your passage to Larst.
FLOYD: And that’s where we’re going.
CAPTAIN: Now, your friends over there, they are dressed for work, and they seem to be doing a yeoman’s job of keeping this ship in tip top shape.
FLOYD: Tip shop what now?
CAPTAIN: You, on the other hand, have done nothing but criticize my crew since you came aboard! When do ye expect to start earnin’ yer keep here, Mr. Fiftynames?
FLOYD: Captain, don’t worry. I see where your confusion lies. The fact is, my traveling companions are doing yeoman’s work, and with good reason. They’re yeomen.
CHRIS TENNISON: Can we throw him overboard?
GUY: No, no… let him finish, and the crew will do that for us.
FLOYD: I, on the other hand, am no laborer, as my well-manicured cuticles will attest. On the other hand, I don’t expect my friends here to pick up my slack, which is why I’ve created a very important job for myself.
CAPTAIN: And what is that, exactly?
FLOYD: I’m the ship’s entertainment officer!
CAPTAIN: We don’t NEED an entertainment officer, Mr. Fiftynames.
FLOYD: Maybe you don’t think you do – but this little ditty will convince you.
Sings:
When rough waters rock your boat,
And you start to feelin’ ill,
Just remember this here tune –
And the next time that you’re
Green around the gills
You won’t feel the urge to swoon!
Smooth sailin’,
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!
We left Longview
With some cargo
Bound for another count-u-ree,
And when we get there,
Guy has promised
To buy Virgil a new steed!
VIRGIL:
Spoken:
And don’t forget that, either!
GUY: Relax. We knew we were headed to Larst, and we couldn’t very well take our horses on the ship with us.
CHRIS TENNISON: Plus, you kind of overreacted to the news that we couldn’t take them.
VIRGIL: How so?
BRIX: You set Longview on fire!
VIRGIL: Well, I was mad.
FLOYD:
Sings:
Smooth sailin’
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!
Button. Spoken:
CAPTAIN: Put on some slops, and swab the damn deck.
FLOYD: Fine.
Suddenly, the ship starts to shake violently. Waves splash over the side. A SAILOR falls overboard.
SAILOR: This is my only line! Ahh!
FLOYD: Damn. If it’s Lily the Mer-Gnome, tell her I’m not here!
FLOYD hides under a crate. An enormous SEA GIANT stands up in the water. As deep as the ocean is, he is only waist-deep.
BRIX: Oh, this isn’t good.
GIANT: I feel my kindred stirring.
He looks down at the party.
Beware Strom.
The SEA GIANT disappears back into the water. Everything returns to normal.
GUY: Strom? Who the hell is that?
CHRIS TENNISON: Something tells me we’re bound to find out.
BRIX approaches FLOYD’s hiding space.
BRIX: It’s safe to come out now, Floyd.
FLOYD: What was it?
BRIX: A giant, telling us to beware Strom.
FLOYD: Strom? The legendary giant lord who nearly conquered Western Aggravail once upon a time?
GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at FLOYD.
BRIX: Come again?
FLOYD: Yeah, it happened a long time ago. Strom was this big evil Frost Giant, and he nearly conquered the world, but he was beaten by a resistance of men, led by some guy with a weapon called Stromsbane.
CHRIS TENNISON: How do you know that?
FLOYD: You pick things up playing taverns and swapping stories. Every now and then, I tend to know something about a random topic.
GUY: Well, well. Who knew that this random…
FLOYD: Bardic knowledge?
GUY: Yeah – that it would come in handy?
FLOYD: I’m full of surprises.
CAPTAIN: I’m so fucking serious!! Get to work!
The boys pick up mops and start swabbing. From the crow’s nest:
SAILOR #2: Larst, ho!
A cheer erupts from the ship. Larst glides into the background, a multi-level city on a mountain. At the top level, a beautiful ivory and gold Basilica. The party stands in awe.
FLOYD: Wow!
BRIX: Opulence. Peh.
VIRGIL: Ooh! I’ll bet that they have jewel encrusted horses here.
The boat docks, and the boys get off the ship. The ship flies out, replaced by the streets of the city.
GUY: Well, well. I guess the first thing we should do is –
VIRGIL: Horse. Now.
GUY: What? Oh, yeah…
GUY walks over to nearby tent, purchases a toy horse, and gives it to VIRGIL.
Happy?
VIRGIL seethes.
CHRIS TENNISON: Letter of the law, my friend.
A GNOME enters.
GNOME: Hello!
FLOYD: Hello, fellow gnome! What up?
GNOME: I couldn’t help but notice you boys are new to the city. Looking for a way up to the top?
CHRIS TENNISON: You betcha!
GNOME: How would you like to take a ride on my hot air balloon?
VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at each other with glee.
ALL: HOT AIR BALLOON?!
Then, playing it cool.
FLOYD: Sure, I guess.
GNOME: Hop in!
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.
A Hot Air Balloon flys in and lands at the boys’s feet. They get in, joined by the GNOME. The balloon takes off, and we find ourselves in the sky. Spoken:
VIRGIL: Whee! Flying is awesome!
FLOYD: Boy, it’s high up!
GUY: Not scared, are you Floyd?
FLOYD: Me? Please. I can cast feather fall. I’d be more worried if I were the iron dwarf over there.
BRIX: Eh – at least it’ll deaden the fall.
GNOME:
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.
The balloon lands on the top level. The Basilica looms large in the distance. Spoken:
GNOME: Here we are!
VIRGIL: Thanks!
GNOME: Don’t mention it. That’ll be one big bag of gold, please.
Stunned silence.
CHRIS TENNISON: A… a whole big bag?
GNOME: That’s right.
FLOYD reluctantly hands over a big bag of gold, taking one gold piece out in the process.
FLOYD: That’s for the bag.
HE pockets the gold piece.
GNOME: Pleasure doing business with you chumps.
BRIX: Chumps?
GNOME: That is to say – no, I was happy with it the first time.
The hot air balloon takes off. A GIRL in a gingham dress runs out.
GIRL: Oh! ! Come back! Don’t go without me! Please come back!
GNOME: I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works! Goodbye folks!
And the GNOME is gone.
GIRL: Oh! How am I ever going to get back to Kansas now?
The GIRL looks hopefully at the party. THEY stare back, blankly.
VIRGIL: Um, we should go.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah. See ya!
The PARTY exits as the GIRL and her DOG (that’s right) look after them. A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the PARTY sitting at a booth in a restaurant called “The Boar’s Head,” a fancy place. The party sits on one side of the booth, while a gentleman named MERRILL sits on the other side. A large feast is upon the table, and MERRILL eats hungrily.
MERRILL: So, you got swindled, huh?
GUY: You might say that.
MERRILL: Yeah, the mark-ups here in Larst are pretty high. You want a better deal? Go to the Bar With No Name.
VIRGIL: How are we supposed to find a bar with no name?
MERRILL: That is the name?
CHRIS TENNISON: What?
MERRILL: The name of the bar.
BRIX: The Bar with No Name.
MERRILL: That’s right.
FLOYD: But how can it be the name of the bar if it’s a bar with no name?
MERRILL: I… never mind, just find it –
VIRGIL: But how –
MERRILL: Shut up! I’m trying to tell you where you can get a good deal on magic items.
GUY: Well, let me tell you, Merrill, who is a member of the seekers, the same organization that Ethan and Garam belong to - we really appreciate your help.
FLOYD: (to Guy, sotto voce) Nice summation.
GUY: I feel so dirty.
The party gets up to leave.
CHRIS TENNISON: See you soon!
MERRILL: Doubt it.
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens to reveal a darkened bar room with a handful of inhabitants, every one of whom look like an adventurer. The PARTY enters.
FLOYD: Well, this is the place.
An ILLREAN RANGER enters, approaches VIRGIL.
RANGER: Excuse me –
BRIX: Oh, no! No thank you, sir. We know all about the goblins.
RANGER: - Okay. Are you Virgil Deathbow?
VIRGIL: I sure am.
RANGER: I’d like to talk to you about you becoming a member of the Illrean Rangers.
VIRGIL: Nifty!
VIRGIL and the RANGER go off to a corner to talk. The rest of the party approaches an ELF at the bar with a big bag that says, “Stuff!”
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s quite a bag of stuff you got there.
ELF: You like what you see?
CHRIS TENNISON: Indeed I do.
BRIX: You selling any of it?
ELF: Mayhaps.
CHRIS TENNISON: Well, ooh-la ti-da.
ELF: What’cha in the market for?
The PARTY begins conversing with the ELF. The door opens, and JARROD enters. He does not see the gang.
FLOYD: Hey, Guy.
GUY: What’s up, Floyd?
FLOYD: Isn’t that Jarrod?
GUY: You know, I think it is.
FLOYD: The same Jarrod who spys on us through an arcane mark he secretly placed on our arm?
GUY: That’s him. We should lay low and see what he’s up to.
But it’s too late. FLOYD calls out to JARROD.
FLOYD: Hey, Jarrod!
JARROD turns, surprised.
What’s the big idea, pal? You like to play peeping tom?
JARROD: What are you little twerps doing here?
FLOYD: You oughta know, shouldn’t you?
JARROD: Look, I don’t have time for your petty concerns and problems, boys. I’ve got actual important work to do.
GUY: We’re petty to you?
FLOYD: If that’s the case, why did you go to the trouble of programming channels onto our forearms?
JARROD: Screw off, gnomes.
GUY: That’s it!
GUY takes a swing at JARROD, who proves to be an illusion. The illusion dissipates.
FLOYD: What the fuck? Did this guy just send an illusion here to IGNORE US?
BRIX: Calm down, Floyd.
FLOYD: No! This guy doesn’t take us seriously enough to earn the right to spy on us any time he wants to. He’s cut off!
BRIX: Cut off? What are we going to do, chop off our arms?
FLOYD: You got a better idea?
VIRGIL re-enters the conversation.
VIRGIL: We could just find a wizard who will remove the arcane mark.
FLOYD:… or that.
A WIZARD stands up from the table.
WIZARD: I’m a wizard who can remove arcane marks.
FLOYD: Wu-Tang. Remove away, my good man.
WIZARD: Sure. That’ll be thirty-five hundred gold pieces per arm, though.
FLOYD: Son of a crap! Why is everything in this town so expensive?
GUY: Your only other choice is to go around without your left arm, Floyd.
LONG pause.
Floyd?
FLOYD: I’m THINKING.
GUY: Here.
GUY hands the WIZARD a considerable amount of gold.
That should cover the four of us.
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s almost everything we had left from Scar Canyon!
The WIZARD concentrates, then speaks an incantation. FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, and BRIX look on as a little cloud of smoke erupts on their arms.
WIZARD: Pleasure doing business with you.
The WIZARD takes his money and scoots out of the bar. FLOYD takes out a piece of paper and pen and writes quickly.
VIRGIL: What are you doing?
FLOYD: I’m preparing an invoice for fourteen-thousand gold to Jarrod from us.
VIRGIL: I don’t think he’s going to pay that, Floyd.
FLOYD: Then I’m gonna take it out of his ass with a spiky scoop.
GUY: Are we done with Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: I think we’re done with Larst.
Curtain Closes.
END of ACT I.
Act I
Curtain opens on a ship in the middle of the ocean. SAILORS move sails and do other sailor-ish things. A CAPTAIN is at the wheel.
SAILORS:
Singing:
Longview girls, they have no combs,
Heave away, heave away,
They comb their hair with codfish bones,
We are bound for the Basilica!
Longview boys, they have no brains,
Heave away, heave away,
Their underpants have doody stains,
We are bound for the Basilica!
Heave away, my bully-bully boys,
Heave away, heave away,
Heave away and don’t you make a noise,
We are bound for the Basilica!
FLOYD enters from below deck, wearing a tri-corn hat with several large feathers.
FLOYD:
Spoken:
You call that a sea chanty?
FLOYD is followed by VIRGIL, GUY, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON. They are dressed in sailor slops, and seem ready for work.
Try this one.
Sings:
Heave, ho, heave ho!
Raise the sail, we’re on our way
Batten down the hatches and don’t be slow
We are bound to get to Larst someday!
The SAILORS glare at him.
It’s called panache. Get used to it.
The CAPTAIN approaches FLOYD.
CAPTAIN: Mr. Fiftynames –
FLOYD: Aye, aye, Cap’n?
CAPTAIN: You boys came aboard my ship from the Arimathean town of Longview –
FLOYD: That is where we were.
CAPTAIN: You agreed to work for your passage to Larst.
FLOYD: And that’s where we’re going.
CAPTAIN: Now, your friends over there, they are dressed for work, and they seem to be doing a yeoman’s job of keeping this ship in tip top shape.
FLOYD: Tip shop what now?
CAPTAIN: You, on the other hand, have done nothing but criticize my crew since you came aboard! When do ye expect to start earnin’ yer keep here, Mr. Fiftynames?
FLOYD: Captain, don’t worry. I see where your confusion lies. The fact is, my traveling companions are doing yeoman’s work, and with good reason. They’re yeomen.
CHRIS TENNISON: Can we throw him overboard?
GUY: No, no… let him finish, and the crew will do that for us.
FLOYD: I, on the other hand, am no laborer, as my well-manicured cuticles will attest. On the other hand, I don’t expect my friends here to pick up my slack, which is why I’ve created a very important job for myself.
CAPTAIN: And what is that, exactly?
FLOYD: I’m the ship’s entertainment officer!
CAPTAIN: We don’t NEED an entertainment officer, Mr. Fiftynames.
FLOYD: Maybe you don’t think you do – but this little ditty will convince you.
Sings:
When rough waters rock your boat,
And you start to feelin’ ill,
Just remember this here tune –
And the next time that you’re
Green around the gills
You won’t feel the urge to swoon!
Smooth sailin’,
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!
We left Longview
With some cargo
Bound for another count-u-ree,
And when we get there,
Guy has promised
To buy Virgil a new steed!
VIRGIL:
Spoken:
And don’t forget that, either!
GUY: Relax. We knew we were headed to Larst, and we couldn’t very well take our horses on the ship with us.
CHRIS TENNISON: Plus, you kind of overreacted to the news that we couldn’t take them.
VIRGIL: How so?
BRIX: You set Longview on fire!
VIRGIL: Well, I was mad.
FLOYD:
Sings:
Smooth sailin’
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!
Button. Spoken:
CAPTAIN: Put on some slops, and swab the damn deck.
FLOYD: Fine.
Suddenly, the ship starts to shake violently. Waves splash over the side. A SAILOR falls overboard.
SAILOR: This is my only line! Ahh!
FLOYD: Damn. If it’s Lily the Mer-Gnome, tell her I’m not here!
FLOYD hides under a crate. An enormous SEA GIANT stands up in the water. As deep as the ocean is, he is only waist-deep.
BRIX: Oh, this isn’t good.
GIANT: I feel my kindred stirring.
He looks down at the party.
Beware Strom.
The SEA GIANT disappears back into the water. Everything returns to normal.
GUY: Strom? Who the hell is that?
CHRIS TENNISON: Something tells me we’re bound to find out.
BRIX approaches FLOYD’s hiding space.
BRIX: It’s safe to come out now, Floyd.
FLOYD: What was it?
BRIX: A giant, telling us to beware Strom.
FLOYD: Strom? The legendary giant lord who nearly conquered Western Aggravail once upon a time?
GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at FLOYD.
BRIX: Come again?
FLOYD: Yeah, it happened a long time ago. Strom was this big evil Frost Giant, and he nearly conquered the world, but he was beaten by a resistance of men, led by some guy with a weapon called Stromsbane.
CHRIS TENNISON: How do you know that?
FLOYD: You pick things up playing taverns and swapping stories. Every now and then, I tend to know something about a random topic.
GUY: Well, well. Who knew that this random…
FLOYD: Bardic knowledge?
GUY: Yeah – that it would come in handy?
FLOYD: I’m full of surprises.
CAPTAIN: I’m so fucking serious!! Get to work!
The boys pick up mops and start swabbing. From the crow’s nest:
SAILOR #2: Larst, ho!
A cheer erupts from the ship. Larst glides into the background, a multi-level city on a mountain. At the top level, a beautiful ivory and gold Basilica. The party stands in awe.
FLOYD: Wow!
BRIX: Opulence. Peh.
VIRGIL: Ooh! I’ll bet that they have jewel encrusted horses here.
The boat docks, and the boys get off the ship. The ship flies out, replaced by the streets of the city.
GUY: Well, well. I guess the first thing we should do is –
VIRGIL: Horse. Now.
GUY: What? Oh, yeah…
GUY walks over to nearby tent, purchases a toy horse, and gives it to VIRGIL.
Happy?
VIRGIL seethes.
CHRIS TENNISON: Letter of the law, my friend.
A GNOME enters.
GNOME: Hello!
FLOYD: Hello, fellow gnome! What up?
GNOME: I couldn’t help but notice you boys are new to the city. Looking for a way up to the top?
CHRIS TENNISON: You betcha!
GNOME: How would you like to take a ride on my hot air balloon?
VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at each other with glee.
ALL: HOT AIR BALLOON?!
Then, playing it cool.
FLOYD: Sure, I guess.
GNOME: Hop in!
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.
A Hot Air Balloon flys in and lands at the boys’s feet. They get in, joined by the GNOME. The balloon takes off, and we find ourselves in the sky. Spoken:
VIRGIL: Whee! Flying is awesome!
FLOYD: Boy, it’s high up!
GUY: Not scared, are you Floyd?
FLOYD: Me? Please. I can cast feather fall. I’d be more worried if I were the iron dwarf over there.
BRIX: Eh – at least it’ll deaden the fall.
GNOME:
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.
The balloon lands on the top level. The Basilica looms large in the distance. Spoken:
GNOME: Here we are!
VIRGIL: Thanks!
GNOME: Don’t mention it. That’ll be one big bag of gold, please.
Stunned silence.
CHRIS TENNISON: A… a whole big bag?
GNOME: That’s right.
FLOYD reluctantly hands over a big bag of gold, taking one gold piece out in the process.
FLOYD: That’s for the bag.
HE pockets the gold piece.
GNOME: Pleasure doing business with you chumps.
BRIX: Chumps?
GNOME: That is to say – no, I was happy with it the first time.
The hot air balloon takes off. A GIRL in a gingham dress runs out.
GIRL: Oh! ! Come back! Don’t go without me! Please come back!
GNOME: I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works! Goodbye folks!
And the GNOME is gone.
GIRL: Oh! How am I ever going to get back to Kansas now?
The GIRL looks hopefully at the party. THEY stare back, blankly.
VIRGIL: Um, we should go.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah. See ya!
The PARTY exits as the GIRL and her DOG (that’s right) look after them. A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the PARTY sitting at a booth in a restaurant called “The Boar’s Head,” a fancy place. The party sits on one side of the booth, while a gentleman named MERRILL sits on the other side. A large feast is upon the table, and MERRILL eats hungrily.
MERRILL: So, you got swindled, huh?
GUY: You might say that.
MERRILL: Yeah, the mark-ups here in Larst are pretty high. You want a better deal? Go to the Bar With No Name.
VIRGIL: How are we supposed to find a bar with no name?
MERRILL: That is the name?
CHRIS TENNISON: What?
MERRILL: The name of the bar.
BRIX: The Bar with No Name.
MERRILL: That’s right.
FLOYD: But how can it be the name of the bar if it’s a bar with no name?
MERRILL: I… never mind, just find it –
VIRGIL: But how –
MERRILL: Shut up! I’m trying to tell you where you can get a good deal on magic items.
GUY: Well, let me tell you, Merrill, who is a member of the seekers, the same organization that Ethan and Garam belong to - we really appreciate your help.
FLOYD: (to Guy, sotto voce) Nice summation.
GUY: I feel so dirty.
The party gets up to leave.
CHRIS TENNISON: See you soon!
MERRILL: Doubt it.
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens to reveal a darkened bar room with a handful of inhabitants, every one of whom look like an adventurer. The PARTY enters.
FLOYD: Well, this is the place.
An ILLREAN RANGER enters, approaches VIRGIL.
RANGER: Excuse me –
BRIX: Oh, no! No thank you, sir. We know all about the goblins.
RANGER: - Okay. Are you Virgil Deathbow?
VIRGIL: I sure am.
RANGER: I’d like to talk to you about you becoming a member of the Illrean Rangers.
VIRGIL: Nifty!
VIRGIL and the RANGER go off to a corner to talk. The rest of the party approaches an ELF at the bar with a big bag that says, “Stuff!”
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s quite a bag of stuff you got there.
ELF: You like what you see?
CHRIS TENNISON: Indeed I do.
BRIX: You selling any of it?
ELF: Mayhaps.
CHRIS TENNISON: Well, ooh-la ti-da.
ELF: What’cha in the market for?
The PARTY begins conversing with the ELF. The door opens, and JARROD enters. He does not see the gang.
FLOYD: Hey, Guy.
GUY: What’s up, Floyd?
FLOYD: Isn’t that Jarrod?
GUY: You know, I think it is.
FLOYD: The same Jarrod who spys on us through an arcane mark he secretly placed on our arm?
GUY: That’s him. We should lay low and see what he’s up to.
But it’s too late. FLOYD calls out to JARROD.
FLOYD: Hey, Jarrod!
JARROD turns, surprised.
What’s the big idea, pal? You like to play peeping tom?
JARROD: What are you little twerps doing here?
FLOYD: You oughta know, shouldn’t you?
JARROD: Look, I don’t have time for your petty concerns and problems, boys. I’ve got actual important work to do.
GUY: We’re petty to you?
FLOYD: If that’s the case, why did you go to the trouble of programming channels onto our forearms?
JARROD: Screw off, gnomes.
GUY: That’s it!
GUY takes a swing at JARROD, who proves to be an illusion. The illusion dissipates.
FLOYD: What the fuck? Did this guy just send an illusion here to IGNORE US?
BRIX: Calm down, Floyd.
FLOYD: No! This guy doesn’t take us seriously enough to earn the right to spy on us any time he wants to. He’s cut off!
BRIX: Cut off? What are we going to do, chop off our arms?
FLOYD: You got a better idea?
VIRGIL re-enters the conversation.
VIRGIL: We could just find a wizard who will remove the arcane mark.
FLOYD:… or that.
A WIZARD stands up from the table.
WIZARD: I’m a wizard who can remove arcane marks.
FLOYD: Wu-Tang. Remove away, my good man.
WIZARD: Sure. That’ll be thirty-five hundred gold pieces per arm, though.
FLOYD: Son of a crap! Why is everything in this town so expensive?
GUY: Your only other choice is to go around without your left arm, Floyd.
LONG pause.
Floyd?
FLOYD: I’m THINKING.
GUY: Here.
GUY hands the WIZARD a considerable amount of gold.
That should cover the four of us.
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s almost everything we had left from Scar Canyon!
The WIZARD concentrates, then speaks an incantation. FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, and BRIX look on as a little cloud of smoke erupts on their arms.
WIZARD: Pleasure doing business with you.
The WIZARD takes his money and scoots out of the bar. FLOYD takes out a piece of paper and pen and writes quickly.
VIRGIL: What are you doing?
FLOYD: I’m preparing an invoice for fourteen-thousand gold to Jarrod from us.
VIRGIL: I don’t think he’s going to pay that, Floyd.
FLOYD: Then I’m gonna take it out of his ass with a spiky scoop.
GUY: Are we done with Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: I think we’re done with Larst.
Curtain Closes.
END of ACT I.
Floyd's Call-to-Arms Song
Seek Adventure, Young Lads
(steady march)
Seek Adventure, Young Lads, on the war front!
Seek glory, seek fame, and seek renown!
Haven’t you always wished to know
When a bard like Floyd would tell ya so
Of possibilities outside of your hometown?
Seek adventure, young lads, in the good fight!
Don’t let goblins destroy the lives you’ve built!
When you remember all you’ve made
You will never be afraid, you’ll
Come home braggin’ of all that you have kill’t!
Seek adventure, young lads, and distinction!
When you kneel before that holy throne,
You are like to feel no shame
When the Proclaimer calls your name
As the light of your heroic deeds have brightly shone!
(steady march)
Seek Adventure, Young Lads, on the war front!
Seek glory, seek fame, and seek renown!
Haven’t you always wished to know
When a bard like Floyd would tell ya so
Of possibilities outside of your hometown?
Seek adventure, young lads, in the good fight!
Don’t let goblins destroy the lives you’ve built!
When you remember all you’ve made
You will never be afraid, you’ll
Come home braggin’ of all that you have kill’t!
Seek adventure, young lads, and distinction!
When you kneel before that holy throne,
You are like to feel no shame
When the Proclaimer calls your name
As the light of your heroic deeds have brightly shone!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Erronious' Report (DM Post)
The Universal Church
Erronius’ Report
Erronius’ Report
As dictated by his Holiness and ratified by the Papal Congress, I have been assigned to act as advisor to the Alliance and Director of the Church resources and participation in the war effort. The Church has invoked Crisis of the Faith, declared the war effort a Holy Crusade, and turned control over to the Council with the stipulation that I be allowed to advise. Below is a description of Church resources.
The Order of Radiant Knights
The Radiant Knights are tasked with rooting out corruption in the church, and answer only to his Holiness directly. That task has been set aside and the Radiant Knights are to aide the war effort in whatever capacity I see fit, as directed by the Council. It should be noted that they will not hesitate to slay any member of the Church found to be corrupt or treasonous, even myself. While there are only three of them, the Church respects them and feels that they will be of value.
Sebastian
Human Paladin/Holy Inquisitor
Leader, Radiant Knights
Status: Committed. In Luthia awaiting orders.
Xian
Human Paladin/Holy Inquisitor
Radiant Knight
Status: In Luthia.
Vernard
Human Paladin/Holy Inquisitor
Radiant Knight
Status: In Luthia
Church Crusaders
The following are the troops that have flocked to the Holy Crusade from the faithful, organized into a single Brigade broken into 6 Battalions, and 2 companies of Paladin Cavalry.
Paladins 400 (leveled paladins acting as heavy cavalry)
Crusaders 6000 (unleveled warriors)
Hospitalers
This group is made up of those among the priesthood and the faithful who are willing to serve as medics and healers for the Alliance.
Clerics 200 (leveled clerics)
Healers 800 (unleveled non-magical healers with some training)
Volunteers 1300 (un-trained)
Church Property
As a throw back to the fall of the empires many abbeys and monasteries are actually fairly defensible buildings. The Cardinals and heads of the Orders are issuing commands that these buildings are to be put to the Alliance’s disposal. All churches, cathedrals, and enclosed shrines and being converted to serve as hospitals should the need arise.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Klepos' Report (DM Post)
The Adventurer’s Guild
Klepos’ Report
The Seekers
Order of Occult Scholars
Klepos’ Report
The Seekers
Order of Occult Scholars
Merrill (Halfling Seeker based in Larst focus was Golems) died during the recent Sack of Larst. There are now four surviving Seekers. Doctor Ethan seemed to be the driving force behind the group, and with his death and significant attrition the group is now pretty much defunct. The four survivors are:
Garam
Gnome Wizard
Based in Dreia
Focus Fey
Status: MIA. Reports from the Order of the Abbey state that he is currently in hiding.
Masari
Human Druid
Based in Nemia
Focus Krakens
Status: Nuetral. He refuses to get involved in the war effort instead focusing on his research. Is not expected to evacuate along with the rest of the Nemian population.
Yalla
Halfling Cleric/Bard
Based in Nemia
Focus Thoth
Status: Committed. Now under the direction of the Guild; is currently in Nemia assisting with the evacuation.
Revan
Elven Sorcerer
Based in Illrea
Focus Morrigan
Status: Committed. Currently in Illrea observing the Illrean front. Making a study of the enemy Beacon Towers.
Fellowship of the Golden Eagle
Adventurers advocating individual rights
and the dissolution of governmental power
The Fellowship is now defunct. Oren (Dwarven Leader and owner of the Shield Splitter Inn) and Petio (Half-Orc Fellow) were in Tutia when the goblins invaded and died trying to recover Gorm’s body. Oren left Soren the Shield Splitter Inn in his will and Soren has retired to run the inn. Guy Axefury and Tempest are the sole active members.
Tempest
Elven Ranger/Sorcerer
Status: Committed. Last report put her in Luthia. She is now under the direction of the Guild.
The Knights of Dawn
Adventurer’s club made up of Eastern Argravailian nobility
The Knights of Dawn went underground after the expansion of the Meliotic Empire, operating mostly from Barovia. When the Goblins came through Darkenhold the Knights pretty much scattered. Some fell, some are missing. The remaining members have consolidated into a platoon led by Count Vlassberg which has accepted Guild authority.
Count Vlassberg
Human Fighter
Leader of the Knights of Dawn
Status: Committed. Currently posted in Silar awaiting orders.
Baronet Hornsby
Human Sorcerer
2nd in Command of the Knights of Dawn
Status: Committed. In Silar with the Knights.
Viscount Ular
Human Wizard
Member of the Knights of Dawn (Advisor to Vlassberg)
Status: Committed. In Silar with the Knights.
Knights of Dawn
Status: Committed. Stationed in Silar.
Roster:
Command 3 (Vlassberg, Hornsby, and Ular)
Scouts 2 (Leveled Rangers)
Bards 1
Warriors 24 (Leveled Fighters)
Defenders of Knights Peace
Organization focused on the destruction of undead
The Adventurer’s Guild has had no contact with any of the Defenders since the goblins came out of Darkenhold. At this point I can only assume that the organization is dead.
The Runners
Messenger’s Guild unaffiliated with the Adventurer’s Guild
I have contacted the Runners’ Guildmaster, Elroy, and the Runners have committed to serving as military dispatch for the war effort in exchange for their members being exempt from conscription.
The Shining Order of Gnomish Protectors
Organization focused on the defense of
Gnomes and their communities
McGrath informed me (in his capacity of High Protector of the Shining Order) that, while 50 of the Shining Order are staying to defend Gnomehome, he has recalled all wandering Gnomish Protectors for the war effort. Additionally the 50 staying in Gnomehome are Burrow Wardens, and the Gnomish Protectors leadership will be taking the field on behalf of the Alliance. In an effort to preserve chain of command the Gnomish Protectors and McGrath will be under the authority of the Adventurer’s Guild, except when McGrath is acting as an Executive Council Member of the Freelands. McGrath will serve as my second and advisor for the Adventurer’s Guild.
McGrath
Gnome Barbarian
High Protector of the Shining Order
Status: Committed. In Luthia serving as Guild command staff.
Gnomish Protectors
Status: Committed. Mustering in Gnomehome and awaiting orders.
Roster:
Command 1 (McGrath as High Protector)
Knights of the Hearth 10 (leadership and leveled warriors)
Knights of Loam 40 (Veteran leveled warriors)
Burrow Wardens 50 (leveled warriors)
Conscripts 120 (gnomes from Gnomehome, base militia)
The Warriors of the Rose
Mercenary band operating out of Nemia and Barovia
Captain Xavier contacted me to commit to the Alliance (free of charge). He has asked to be placed under Guild authority for the war effort to avoid being seen as having any political affiliation. The Warriors are extremely tested veterans that have historically been used to spearhead assaults and I feel they will prove to be valuable allies.
Captain Xavier
Human Fighter
Leader of the Warriors of the Rose
Status: Committed. Stationed at the southern Illrean border awaiting orders.
Warriors of the Rose
Status: Committed.
Organization: Company split into 5 platoons
Roster:
Command 6 (Xavier and 5 lieutenants, 1 per platoon)
Crossbowmen 40 (Alpha platoon)
Infantry 120 (Beta, Theta, and Gamma platoons, leveled warriors)
Scouts 10 (leveled rogues, Omega platoon)
Marksmen 10 (leveled archers, Omega platoon)
Commandos 20 (leveled rangers, Omega platoon)
Non-affiliated Adventurers Answering Guild Call
The following Guild members, none whom belong to the groups mentioned above, answered the Guild call.
Fighters 60
Barbarians 20
Monks 10
Bards 30
Rogues 20
Rangers 40
Wizards 20
Sorcerers 10
Barbarians 20
Monks 10
Bards 30
Rogues 20
Rangers 40
Wizards 20
Sorcerers 10
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Session XX (Completed): Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation
The Order of the Abbey, Part Four: Dealin’ with Doogal
Act IV
Curtain opens on the streets of COMPASSGATE. Citizens walk the streets, which are decorated with garland and ribbon. Wreaths and bells hang from the doors of shopkeepers. A VENDOR with a cauldron on the corner is selling hot beverages. A sign next to him reads – “Nogs, Cider, and Spiced Chocolate!”
Citizen #1 exits a shop, holding the door open for CITIZEN #2.
CITIZEN #1: Happy Yule!
CITIZEN #2: Why, thank you! Same to you!
CITIZEN #1:
Sings
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
A SHOPKEEP opens his door, as citizens stream in, buying what-nots.
SHOPKEEP:
The spices and the flavors that are wafting down the street
Put a smile on the face of every customer I greet
Who arrive with saved up gold to buy their families a treat
It’s the time of the Yule!
Two LADIES exit the shop with gift bags.
LADIES:
The year has not been kind to us,
We’ve had to pinch and squeeze,
But eating’s over-rated,
And we need to decorate our trees!
VENDOR:
I purcha-sed this sugar for a reasonable price
And when combined with chocolate and season-ed with spice
It produces an aroma that is really rather nice
And indicative of the Yule!
LADY #1:
Spoken:
My husband and I own a sugar farm outside of town. Why didn’t you buy from us?
VENDOR: Imported sugar sells for half of what domestic costs these days, madam!
LADY #1: But now I have no money to buy your wassail!
LADY #2: None of us do!
LADY #1: Whom do you expect will buy your wares?
VENDOR: Wealthy tourists.
LADY #2: Good luck with that.
FLOYD and BRIXMORE enter.
FLOYD: Ooh! Hot drinks! (to the VENDOR) I’ll take a keg of each.
LADY #1: Son of a bitch.
BRIXMORE: Floyd – how do you expect to carry these kegs around?
FLOYD: Carry?
FLOYD pulls out a straw.
BRIXMORE: Never mind.
FLOYD: To our first Yule celebration since leaving the Abbey!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
Compassgate is spending money like they don’t even care,
And everyone else is singing, so I’ll thank you not to stare,
It’s the time of the Yule!
BRIX:
The city is all decorated up in evergreen
It’s a pagan celebration the Proclaimer would demean
And yet a joy-ful-ous occa-sion like I have never seen
It’s the time of the Yule!
CHRIS TENNISON enters.
CHRIS TENNISON:
Look at the crazy deal I got
On these fancy longswords!
The economy’s been left to rot
And I reap the rewards!
GUY and VIRGIL enter.
GUY:
Have you noticed that the streets are free of guard staff and police?
VIRGIL:
Marshall Drooley sent them home to their family and feast
GUY & VIRGIL:
Which leaves the town wide open now for Doogal to come and fleece
FLOYD:
It’s the time of the Yule!
Spoken:
Sorry, that’s the way the verses have to end.
GUY: This is serious business.
CITIZEN #1: Nonsense, young master gnome! The Yule is a season of joy and frivolity. For merry-making, and dancing!
GUY: But what if – and just go with me on this – someone were to attack your city today?
CITIZEN #1: Well, we would overwhelm them –
GUY: All right.
CITIZEN #1: With good cheer!
GUY: God-dammit.
CITIZEN #1:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
MARSHALL DROOLEY enters, drunk, riding a broom dressed as a donkey.
DROOLEY:
Good Yule, all! Let us put on a parade
We can ride atop these new mounts that I have made
And afterwards at my place everyone’s gonna get laid
‘Cause it’s time for the Yule!
DROOLEY exits into the courthouse.
VIRGIL:
They’re sitting ducks for Doogal’s gang,
Don’t you think so, Guy?
How do we rescue Compassgate?
GUY:
We could just let them die.
Spoken:
VIRGIL: That doesn’t take care of the Doogal problem.
GUY: It sure as hell takes care of the Drooley problem. (Off VIRGIL’s look) Okay, okay, how about this? When Doogal marches into Compassgate, he’s gonna go straight for the courthouse to set up operations, right? Let’s go in there and wait for him.
FLOYD: Can you guys help me carry my wassail in?
GUY: No, but I’ll do the next best thing.
Sings:
Good citizens of Compassgate, you know my brother Floyd,
Well, receive the overwhelming generosity he’s deployed
If you do not drink his wassail he is sure to get annoyed
Come celebrate the Yule!
A crowd gathers around FLOYD and his barrels. They enjoy heaping ladles of his beverages.
CROWD:
Three cheers for Floyd, Hip Hip, hooray,
he’s truly made our day
we take back all those things we said
about you being super gay!
Spoken:
GUY: Still need help?
FLOYD looks at his empty barrels.
FLOYD: Nope, you took care of it.
GUY: Good. Let’s go to the courthouse.
GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and BRIXMORE exit into the courthouse.
CROWD:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
Button. Exeunt. The street flies out, showing the courthouse behind it. GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, BRIXMORE, and CHRIS TENNISON enter. From opposite, the JUDGE enters.
JUDGE:
Sings:
I’m the judge, I’m the judge –
VIRGIL:
Spoken:
Not now.
The JUDGE exits haughtily. A RECEPTIONIST enters.
RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you?
VIRGIL: We’re here to see Drooley.
RECEPTIONIST: Marshall Drooley is sleeping in his office right now, and I’m afraid he’s not seeing visitors.
GUY: Floyd.
FLOYD produces his pipe.
FLOYD: Here’s a little tune you’re sure to find “fascinating.”
GUY: Just play.
FLOYD starts to play an arpeggio on his pipe, but instead of music, the pipe produces a magic bubble. The bubble bursts and a BROWNIE appears.
BROWNIE:
Sings:
Now Mitchell authored this song,
But you can claim you wrote this one too,
In fact scream it out into to the world
Until you’re black and blue
Truth is no one will believe you
Because anyone can see,
You’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.
Your fencing is pathetic,
Your songs are really bad,
And those fifty names just means you are
fifty times as sad.
An embarrassment to Gnomes,
And a bard you’ll never be.
‘Cause you’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.
Now Floyd has no honor,
Code Duello he did break,
I bested him (and could again),
But no Item could I take.
How can you look in the mirror,
At a face so cowardly,
And you’ll never be a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.
Your friends are uncouth ruffians,
Hired thugs the whole lot,
It’s just a matter of time before your party,
Is beheaded hung or shot.
And I hope I’m there to see it,
Just to remind you for posterity,
That you never were a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.
Button. Spoken:
This concludes the requirements of my Geas. Peace out!
The BROWNIE disappears with a *POP!*
CHRIS TENNISON: It’s a Yule Time miracle!
BRIX: Wow.
FLOYD: You’re telling me. Mitchell used a geas to force that little man to write a song and pretend that Mitchell wrote it, then sing it to me.
GUY turns his attention to the RECEPTIONIST.
GUY: Look, just let us through, okay?
RECEPTIONIST: I don’t think so.
GUY: Rage…building…
VIRGIL: Lady, do you have any combat training?
RECEPTIONIST: Not as such, no.
VIRGIL: Then you might want to move. That gnome has killed people less defenseless than you for dumber reasons than this.
DROOLEY enters.
DROOLEY: Why is it so noisy out here? What’s going on?
GUY cuts DROOLEY in half.
VIRGIL: Guy! God –
HORNS from outside.
BRIX: That sounds like our cue, lads.
CHRIS TENNISON: Let’s go stop the invasion.
Exeunt all but VIRGIL.
VIRGIL: - Damn.
The streets of Compassgate fly back in. The party enters from the courthouse, meeting CITIZEN #1 on their way.
BRIX: Citizen #1 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #1: My name is Roger.
An arrow flies in and lands in CITIZEN #1’s heart. He falls over, dead. CITIZEN #2 enters.
CITIZEN #2: Roger!
BRIX: Citizen #2 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #2: There’s a whole army invading – Lizardfolk, kobolds, giants, and more! All of our guards are on leave for the holiday – we’re defenseless!
A third CITIZEN enters.
CITIZEN #3: But we’re in luck! An army led by the hero Doogal has come out to challenge the evil forces for the city!
CITIZEN #2: Hooray!
The two LADIES enter.
LADY #2: Doogal has defeated the advancing army! Compassgate is safe!
CITIZEN #3: It’s truly a Yule Time miracle!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho can you feel it in the air?
Spoken:
GUY: No! Don’t you understand? Doogal is in charge of both armies! This was all a ploy – a ruse to make you believe that he saved you!
LADY #1: Why should we believe you?
FLOYD: Believe me! I gave you all my wassail, did I not?
CITIZEN #2: It’s true! He did!
FLOYD: Well, I’m here to tell you now that Doogal is a bad man – not the kind, benevolent savior you’ve been led to think he is!
LADY #2: Tell us more!
FLOYD:
Sings:
Doogal
Doogal is a bad man
He eats onions and cheese and garlic
And he never washes his hands
Because his name is Doogal
Yeah, they call him Doogal,
The bad, bad man.
Doogal is a bad man
And he won’t respect your dad –
If your dad comes to visit you at college
And you’ve got issues concerning your dad;
You want to impress him,
But Doogal won’t help you
That’s why they call him Doogal
Doogal the bad, bad man.
He’ll never help you clean the place
The place that you’ve shared together
For so many years now
And he says you shouldn’t tell them,
But the secret you’ve held so long
About you and Doogal
And his homosex’wal tendencies,
That you know will just hurt his career
Which is why they’ve never known
How he’s licked your taint in the dark –
How Doogal once licked Floyd’s hairy, hairy taint
Because he is gay
And what’s more important when it comes to Doogal,
He’s a bad, bad man.
Once upon a time there was a puppy
Who just wanted to go home to see his family
So he hopped up on his donkey –
Cause that’s what kind of puppy this was,
It was a puppy who worked real hard and got himself a job
With enough money to buy a donkey
And he was riding on the road,
Riding to see his family whom he hadn’t seen
Nigh on in many months,
And Doogal saw this puppy,
And he said, “wha… what’s this?
“What is this puppy doing riding a donkey?”
Cause that’s the kind of guy Doogal was –
It would never occur to him that a puppy,
An adorable 10 week old puppy,
A golden retriever puppy
With fuzzy orange fur and a left ear
That would flap back on occasion,
Exposing the pink ear inside,
I mean, it’s so cute when puppies do that! –
And that’s the kind of puppy I’m talking about,
Yeah, Doogal would never think
That a puppy like this would work sixty hour weeks
At the forge where he works
For a drunken, shell of a smithee,
With no family and no friends,
And he expects the puppy back at 9 a.m. sharp
On the day after Yule day
To start working on those orders
And processing, processing
All of those returns
So this puppy ain’t got but a few precious hours
To spend with his family,
And when he’s worked so hard to get this donkey
Only to face this kind of bigotry,
Well, you and I both know that it ain’t right,
But here’s Doogal, pulling that shit,
And Doogal says, “a puppy shouldn’t have a donkey –“
So he takes away that donkey
And he sells that donkey in Larst,
While the puppy starves on the side of the road
And his corpse is used as a necromancer’s lap dog,
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmm.
Ohhh, the indignity of it all
All because of Doogal,
Doogal the bad, bad man.
Button.
TRUMPETS SOUND, and DOOGAL enters, a Halfling, with an entourage including GRUTH. The crowd erupts in boos and jeers.
DOOGAL:
Spoken:
This is not at all what I expected. Who are you people?
FLOYD: I’m Floyd Fiftynames, acting Marshall of Compassgate.
CITIZEN #3: What happened to Marshall Drooley?
FLOYD: Long story. Anyway, what’s your purpose here, Doogal?
DOOGAL: I just want to talk to the citizens of Compassgate, that’s all.
FLOYD: Well, they don’t want to talk to you, Doogal.
LADY #1: That’s right!
CITIZEN #2: Go home, Doogal!
VENDOR: Would you like to buy some wassail?
DOOGAL: Very well. I’ll just have to take the city by force.
DOOGAL bolts for the courthouse.
FLOYD: Somebody stop him!
LADY #2: You stop him. You’re the acting Marshall.
FLOYD: Oh, yeah. Let’s go!
FLOYD, GUY, and BRIXMORE run to the courthouse door. It’s locked.
BRIX: He locked the door!
FLOYD: Son of a bitch! Can he do that?
GUY: Stand back! I’m gonna break the door down!
GUY backs up to get a running start.
FLOYD: Wait a minute…
FLOYD clicks his heels and disappears. GUY begins running for the door. Just as he is about to reach it, the door opens, and FLOYD steps out.
I can’t believe that worked!
GUY runs headlong into FLOYD.
GUY: Gah!
FLOYD: Ow!
BRIX, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON follow into the courthouse, with Doogal’s MEN close behind. GRUTH, meanwhile, runs off in a different direction.
The street scene flies out, replaced by the courthouse interior. DOOGAL stands at the ready as the party rushes him.
DOOGAL: Dominate person!
VIRGIL stops in his tracks.
Attack those guys!
VIRGIL pulls out his bow and arrow and shoots GUY in the leg.
GUY: What the fuck?
Sees VIRGIL.
Aw, nerds!
BRIX: I’m on it!
BRIX wrestles VIRGIL to the ground. LIAM STRONGBOW enters.
LIAM: Hey guys, what’s up?
CHRIS TENNISON: What are you doing here? Wait. That doesn’t matter. Help us!
LIAM and CHRIS TENNISON engage Doogal’s MEN, including an ELF ASSASSIN who fights with multiple daggers.
GUY and FLOYD approach DOOGAL.
GUY: Do you know how to flank, Floyd?
FLOYD: Uh, gee, Guy, dur… Of course I do!
GUY: Well, get ready!
GUY and FLOYD engage DOOGAL. BRIXMORE, meanwhile, is having a tough time with VIRGIL, but finally manages to throw him to the ground.
BRIX: Dispel!
VIRGIL comes to.
VIRGIL: What just happened?
BRIX: Doogal dominated you with a spell.
FLOYD: I think this cat has bard powers!
GUY: He’s a BARD?
In a rage, GUY cuts DOOGAL down, but DOOGAL disappears through the floor.
What? C’mon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Um… a little help?
The rest of the party comes to the aid of CHRIS TENNISON and LIAM, and they defeat the guards in short order, with VIRGIL delivering the capping blow to the ELF ASSASSIN. LIAM exits.
VIRGIL: Dammit! Doogal got away!
BRIX: But we foiled his plot to take Compassgate.
CHRIS TENNISON: And we may have completely discredited his reputation in Arimathea.
GUY: And I’m pretty sure I killed him.
VIRGIL: But we have no body to show for it. I am unsatisfied and disappointed.
LIAM re-enters, leading six horses.
LIAM: Does this make up for it?
VIRGIL begins weeping with joy.
VIRGIL: It’s a Yule Time miracle!
Everyone hops on their horses.
FLOYD: Anyone know how to ride one of these things?
GUY: We’ll learn. Well, fellas, where to next?
BRIX: I say we go to Larst, to do some religious research on the Harvester –
FLOYD: And warn the hierarchy about Nikolai.
LIAM: There’s a port in Longview where you can book passage on a ship. I can’t go with you, I’m afraid, but I’ll see you all again before too long.
GUY: Well, then, to Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: To Larst!
BRIX: To Larst!
FLOYD: To Larst!
VIRGIL: Horses!
The party rides off into the sunset.
END OF ACT IV
END OF PART IV
Act IV
Curtain opens on the streets of COMPASSGATE. Citizens walk the streets, which are decorated with garland and ribbon. Wreaths and bells hang from the doors of shopkeepers. A VENDOR with a cauldron on the corner is selling hot beverages. A sign next to him reads – “Nogs, Cider, and Spiced Chocolate!”
Citizen #1 exits a shop, holding the door open for CITIZEN #2.
CITIZEN #1: Happy Yule!
CITIZEN #2: Why, thank you! Same to you!
CITIZEN #1:
Sings
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
A SHOPKEEP opens his door, as citizens stream in, buying what-nots.
SHOPKEEP:
The spices and the flavors that are wafting down the street
Put a smile on the face of every customer I greet
Who arrive with saved up gold to buy their families a treat
It’s the time of the Yule!
Two LADIES exit the shop with gift bags.
LADIES:
The year has not been kind to us,
We’ve had to pinch and squeeze,
But eating’s over-rated,
And we need to decorate our trees!
VENDOR:
I purcha-sed this sugar for a reasonable price
And when combined with chocolate and season-ed with spice
It produces an aroma that is really rather nice
And indicative of the Yule!
LADY #1:
Spoken:
My husband and I own a sugar farm outside of town. Why didn’t you buy from us?
VENDOR: Imported sugar sells for half of what domestic costs these days, madam!
LADY #1: But now I have no money to buy your wassail!
LADY #2: None of us do!
LADY #1: Whom do you expect will buy your wares?
VENDOR: Wealthy tourists.
LADY #2: Good luck with that.
FLOYD and BRIXMORE enter.
FLOYD: Ooh! Hot drinks! (to the VENDOR) I’ll take a keg of each.
LADY #1: Son of a bitch.
BRIXMORE: Floyd – how do you expect to carry these kegs around?
FLOYD: Carry?
FLOYD pulls out a straw.
BRIXMORE: Never mind.
FLOYD: To our first Yule celebration since leaving the Abbey!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
Compassgate is spending money like they don’t even care,
And everyone else is singing, so I’ll thank you not to stare,
It’s the time of the Yule!
BRIX:
The city is all decorated up in evergreen
It’s a pagan celebration the Proclaimer would demean
And yet a joy-ful-ous occa-sion like I have never seen
It’s the time of the Yule!
CHRIS TENNISON enters.
CHRIS TENNISON:
Look at the crazy deal I got
On these fancy longswords!
The economy’s been left to rot
And I reap the rewards!
GUY and VIRGIL enter.
GUY:
Have you noticed that the streets are free of guard staff and police?
VIRGIL:
Marshall Drooley sent them home to their family and feast
GUY & VIRGIL:
Which leaves the town wide open now for Doogal to come and fleece
FLOYD:
It’s the time of the Yule!
Spoken:
Sorry, that’s the way the verses have to end.
GUY: This is serious business.
CITIZEN #1: Nonsense, young master gnome! The Yule is a season of joy and frivolity. For merry-making, and dancing!
GUY: But what if – and just go with me on this – someone were to attack your city today?
CITIZEN #1: Well, we would overwhelm them –
GUY: All right.
CITIZEN #1: With good cheer!
GUY: God-dammit.
CITIZEN #1:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
MARSHALL DROOLEY enters, drunk, riding a broom dressed as a donkey.
DROOLEY:
Good Yule, all! Let us put on a parade
We can ride atop these new mounts that I have made
And afterwards at my place everyone’s gonna get laid
‘Cause it’s time for the Yule!
DROOLEY exits into the courthouse.
VIRGIL:
They’re sitting ducks for Doogal’s gang,
Don’t you think so, Guy?
How do we rescue Compassgate?
GUY:
We could just let them die.
Spoken:
VIRGIL: That doesn’t take care of the Doogal problem.
GUY: It sure as hell takes care of the Drooley problem. (Off VIRGIL’s look) Okay, okay, how about this? When Doogal marches into Compassgate, he’s gonna go straight for the courthouse to set up operations, right? Let’s go in there and wait for him.
FLOYD: Can you guys help me carry my wassail in?
GUY: No, but I’ll do the next best thing.
Sings:
Good citizens of Compassgate, you know my brother Floyd,
Well, receive the overwhelming generosity he’s deployed
If you do not drink his wassail he is sure to get annoyed
Come celebrate the Yule!
A crowd gathers around FLOYD and his barrels. They enjoy heaping ladles of his beverages.
CROWD:
Three cheers for Floyd, Hip Hip, hooray,
he’s truly made our day
we take back all those things we said
about you being super gay!
Spoken:
GUY: Still need help?
FLOYD looks at his empty barrels.
FLOYD: Nope, you took care of it.
GUY: Good. Let’s go to the courthouse.
GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and BRIXMORE exit into the courthouse.
CROWD:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!
Button. Exeunt. The street flies out, showing the courthouse behind it. GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, BRIXMORE, and CHRIS TENNISON enter. From opposite, the JUDGE enters.
JUDGE:
Sings:
I’m the judge, I’m the judge –
VIRGIL:
Spoken:
Not now.
The JUDGE exits haughtily. A RECEPTIONIST enters.
RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you?
VIRGIL: We’re here to see Drooley.
RECEPTIONIST: Marshall Drooley is sleeping in his office right now, and I’m afraid he’s not seeing visitors.
GUY: Floyd.
FLOYD produces his pipe.
FLOYD: Here’s a little tune you’re sure to find “fascinating.”
GUY: Just play.
FLOYD starts to play an arpeggio on his pipe, but instead of music, the pipe produces a magic bubble. The bubble bursts and a BROWNIE appears.
BROWNIE:
Sings:
Now Mitchell authored this song,
But you can claim you wrote this one too,
In fact scream it out into to the world
Until you’re black and blue
Truth is no one will believe you
Because anyone can see,
You’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.
Your fencing is pathetic,
Your songs are really bad,
And those fifty names just means you are
fifty times as sad.
An embarrassment to Gnomes,
And a bard you’ll never be.
‘Cause you’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.
Now Floyd has no honor,
Code Duello he did break,
I bested him (and could again),
But no Item could I take.
How can you look in the mirror,
At a face so cowardly,
And you’ll never be a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.
Your friends are uncouth ruffians,
Hired thugs the whole lot,
It’s just a matter of time before your party,
Is beheaded hung or shot.
And I hope I’m there to see it,
Just to remind you for posterity,
That you never were a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.
Button. Spoken:
This concludes the requirements of my Geas. Peace out!
The BROWNIE disappears with a *POP!*
CHRIS TENNISON: It’s a Yule Time miracle!
BRIX: Wow.
FLOYD: You’re telling me. Mitchell used a geas to force that little man to write a song and pretend that Mitchell wrote it, then sing it to me.
GUY turns his attention to the RECEPTIONIST.
GUY: Look, just let us through, okay?
RECEPTIONIST: I don’t think so.
GUY: Rage…building…
VIRGIL: Lady, do you have any combat training?
RECEPTIONIST: Not as such, no.
VIRGIL: Then you might want to move. That gnome has killed people less defenseless than you for dumber reasons than this.
DROOLEY enters.
DROOLEY: Why is it so noisy out here? What’s going on?
GUY cuts DROOLEY in half.
VIRGIL: Guy! God –
HORNS from outside.
BRIX: That sounds like our cue, lads.
CHRIS TENNISON: Let’s go stop the invasion.
Exeunt all but VIRGIL.
VIRGIL: - Damn.
The streets of Compassgate fly back in. The party enters from the courthouse, meeting CITIZEN #1 on their way.
BRIX: Citizen #1 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #1: My name is Roger.
An arrow flies in and lands in CITIZEN #1’s heart. He falls over, dead. CITIZEN #2 enters.
CITIZEN #2: Roger!
BRIX: Citizen #2 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #2: There’s a whole army invading – Lizardfolk, kobolds, giants, and more! All of our guards are on leave for the holiday – we’re defenseless!
A third CITIZEN enters.
CITIZEN #3: But we’re in luck! An army led by the hero Doogal has come out to challenge the evil forces for the city!
CITIZEN #2: Hooray!
The two LADIES enter.
LADY #2: Doogal has defeated the advancing army! Compassgate is safe!
CITIZEN #3: It’s truly a Yule Time miracle!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho can you feel it in the air?
Spoken:
GUY: No! Don’t you understand? Doogal is in charge of both armies! This was all a ploy – a ruse to make you believe that he saved you!
LADY #1: Why should we believe you?
FLOYD: Believe me! I gave you all my wassail, did I not?
CITIZEN #2: It’s true! He did!
FLOYD: Well, I’m here to tell you now that Doogal is a bad man – not the kind, benevolent savior you’ve been led to think he is!
LADY #2: Tell us more!
FLOYD:
Sings:
Doogal
Doogal is a bad man
He eats onions and cheese and garlic
And he never washes his hands
Because his name is Doogal
Yeah, they call him Doogal,
The bad, bad man.
Doogal is a bad man
And he won’t respect your dad –
If your dad comes to visit you at college
And you’ve got issues concerning your dad;
You want to impress him,
But Doogal won’t help you
That’s why they call him Doogal
Doogal the bad, bad man.
He’ll never help you clean the place
The place that you’ve shared together
For so many years now
And he says you shouldn’t tell them,
But the secret you’ve held so long
About you and Doogal
And his homosex’wal tendencies,
That you know will just hurt his career
Which is why they’ve never known
How he’s licked your taint in the dark –
How Doogal once licked Floyd’s hairy, hairy taint
Because he is gay
And what’s more important when it comes to Doogal,
He’s a bad, bad man.
Once upon a time there was a puppy
Who just wanted to go home to see his family
So he hopped up on his donkey –
Cause that’s what kind of puppy this was,
It was a puppy who worked real hard and got himself a job
With enough money to buy a donkey
And he was riding on the road,
Riding to see his family whom he hadn’t seen
Nigh on in many months,
And Doogal saw this puppy,
And he said, “wha… what’s this?
“What is this puppy doing riding a donkey?”
Cause that’s the kind of guy Doogal was –
It would never occur to him that a puppy,
An adorable 10 week old puppy,
A golden retriever puppy
With fuzzy orange fur and a left ear
That would flap back on occasion,
Exposing the pink ear inside,
I mean, it’s so cute when puppies do that! –
And that’s the kind of puppy I’m talking about,
Yeah, Doogal would never think
That a puppy like this would work sixty hour weeks
At the forge where he works
For a drunken, shell of a smithee,
With no family and no friends,
And he expects the puppy back at 9 a.m. sharp
On the day after Yule day
To start working on those orders
And processing, processing
All of those returns
So this puppy ain’t got but a few precious hours
To spend with his family,
And when he’s worked so hard to get this donkey
Only to face this kind of bigotry,
Well, you and I both know that it ain’t right,
But here’s Doogal, pulling that shit,
And Doogal says, “a puppy shouldn’t have a donkey –“
So he takes away that donkey
And he sells that donkey in Larst,
While the puppy starves on the side of the road
And his corpse is used as a necromancer’s lap dog,
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmm.
Ohhh, the indignity of it all
All because of Doogal,
Doogal the bad, bad man.
Button.
TRUMPETS SOUND, and DOOGAL enters, a Halfling, with an entourage including GRUTH. The crowd erupts in boos and jeers.
DOOGAL:
Spoken:
This is not at all what I expected. Who are you people?
FLOYD: I’m Floyd Fiftynames, acting Marshall of Compassgate.
CITIZEN #3: What happened to Marshall Drooley?
FLOYD: Long story. Anyway, what’s your purpose here, Doogal?
DOOGAL: I just want to talk to the citizens of Compassgate, that’s all.
FLOYD: Well, they don’t want to talk to you, Doogal.
LADY #1: That’s right!
CITIZEN #2: Go home, Doogal!
VENDOR: Would you like to buy some wassail?
DOOGAL: Very well. I’ll just have to take the city by force.
DOOGAL bolts for the courthouse.
FLOYD: Somebody stop him!
LADY #2: You stop him. You’re the acting Marshall.
FLOYD: Oh, yeah. Let’s go!
FLOYD, GUY, and BRIXMORE run to the courthouse door. It’s locked.
BRIX: He locked the door!
FLOYD: Son of a bitch! Can he do that?
GUY: Stand back! I’m gonna break the door down!
GUY backs up to get a running start.
FLOYD: Wait a minute…
FLOYD clicks his heels and disappears. GUY begins running for the door. Just as he is about to reach it, the door opens, and FLOYD steps out.
I can’t believe that worked!
GUY runs headlong into FLOYD.
GUY: Gah!
FLOYD: Ow!
BRIX, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON follow into the courthouse, with Doogal’s MEN close behind. GRUTH, meanwhile, runs off in a different direction.
The street scene flies out, replaced by the courthouse interior. DOOGAL stands at the ready as the party rushes him.
DOOGAL: Dominate person!
VIRGIL stops in his tracks.
Attack those guys!
VIRGIL pulls out his bow and arrow and shoots GUY in the leg.
GUY: What the fuck?
Sees VIRGIL.
Aw, nerds!
BRIX: I’m on it!
BRIX wrestles VIRGIL to the ground. LIAM STRONGBOW enters.
LIAM: Hey guys, what’s up?
CHRIS TENNISON: What are you doing here? Wait. That doesn’t matter. Help us!
LIAM and CHRIS TENNISON engage Doogal’s MEN, including an ELF ASSASSIN who fights with multiple daggers.
GUY and FLOYD approach DOOGAL.
GUY: Do you know how to flank, Floyd?
FLOYD: Uh, gee, Guy, dur… Of course I do!
GUY: Well, get ready!
GUY and FLOYD engage DOOGAL. BRIXMORE, meanwhile, is having a tough time with VIRGIL, but finally manages to throw him to the ground.
BRIX: Dispel!
VIRGIL comes to.
VIRGIL: What just happened?
BRIX: Doogal dominated you with a spell.
FLOYD: I think this cat has bard powers!
GUY: He’s a BARD?
In a rage, GUY cuts DOOGAL down, but DOOGAL disappears through the floor.
What? C’mon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Um… a little help?
The rest of the party comes to the aid of CHRIS TENNISON and LIAM, and they defeat the guards in short order, with VIRGIL delivering the capping blow to the ELF ASSASSIN. LIAM exits.
VIRGIL: Dammit! Doogal got away!
BRIX: But we foiled his plot to take Compassgate.
CHRIS TENNISON: And we may have completely discredited his reputation in Arimathea.
GUY: And I’m pretty sure I killed him.
VIRGIL: But we have no body to show for it. I am unsatisfied and disappointed.
LIAM re-enters, leading six horses.
LIAM: Does this make up for it?
VIRGIL begins weeping with joy.
VIRGIL: It’s a Yule Time miracle!
Everyone hops on their horses.
FLOYD: Anyone know how to ride one of these things?
GUY: We’ll learn. Well, fellas, where to next?
BRIX: I say we go to Larst, to do some religious research on the Harvester –
FLOYD: And warn the hierarchy about Nikolai.
LIAM: There’s a port in Longview where you can book passage on a ship. I can’t go with you, I’m afraid, but I’ll see you all again before too long.
GUY: Well, then, to Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: To Larst!
BRIX: To Larst!
FLOYD: To Larst!
VIRGIL: Horses!
The party rides off into the sunset.
END OF ACT IV
END OF PART IV
Sessions XIX (Compl;eted) and XX (Started): Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation
The Order of the Abbey, Part Four: Dealin’ with Doogal
Act III
DOOVIN’s basement. The body of the PROCLAIMER lays upon a slab in the center. FLOYD enters and addresses the audience.
FLOYD: Previously on “The Order of the Abbey – the Puppet Musical:”
Characters pop in and out of the edge of the proscenium as they say their lines:
BRIX: I’m on the side of the One True God, Virgil.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Somebody went to the Dagda Bridge and released the Hunt, and I have a theory that it’s after you boys.
DOOVIN: The Harvester is going to have to undergo a one-month preparation in a secret location. Find that location, and you can stop him.
MITCHELL: Fine. Tell your little friend when he wakes up that I will see that he is forever barred from being a bard!
BRIX: Are you trying to tell us that Doogal is also a member of the Year of the Ram?
VIRGIL: Doovin, sometimes I sneak off into the forest so I can jerk off in peace. (breaks character) THAT’S my recap line?
DOOVIN: “Lo, I am Death, destroyer of worlds.” Yep, that’s the Shiva Sword, all right. Has the power to undo creation.
GUY: How did Goldschmiddt get his hands on this kind of magic?
VIRGIL: Who is this?
DOOVIN: This is the earthly body of The Proclaimer.
FLOYD: And now, on with the show!
FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and DOOVIN re-assemble in the spots they were in when the last part ended.
CHRIS TENNISON: The Proclaimer sleeps in your basement?
DOOVIN: He’s not asleep, Chris Tennison. He’s dead.
CHRIS TENNISON: Oh, okay. For a minute I was worried The Proclaimer was some kind of jobless hippie squatter.
BRIX: I can’t believe the body of the most holy prophet is here.
DOOVIN: Why not? It’s the safest place on the continent.
BRIX: But surely The Church would want –
DOOVIN: The Church?! Brixmore, by now you must know that there are those in the clergy who cannot be trusted with a locker combination, much less the body of The Pro-freaking-claimer.
BRIX: Point taken. But underneath the Grand Cathedral in Larst, is there not a place where holy relics are safeguarded?
DOOVIN: The catacombs? Brother, you don’t even want to know about what kind of crazy shit is down there. Trust me. This is the safest possible place that The Proclaimer could be right now.
BRIX: I don’t doubt that, Doovin… bless your soul for keeping him safe.
DOOVIN: I take a lot of pride in my job, but it does come with a price.
BRIX: What kind of price?
DOOVIN: Well, the body of The Proclaimer isn’t decomposing, and it isn’t going anywhere. Somebody’s got to be here to watch it, so I am both gifted and cursed with immortality, unable to see the afterlife promised to the followers of his teachings.
FLOYD: Ironic.
DOOVIN: Ain’t it, though?
BRIX: I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps one day, you can be relieved of your duty, so that you might bask in the glow of the One True God in the great beyond.
DOOVIN: Are you… threatening me?
BRIX: What? No!
DOOVIN: Okay, ‘cause it sounded like -
BRIX: No.
DOOVIN: Fair enough.
GUY: Sorry to interrupt –
FLOYD: No, you’re not.
GUY: But weren’t you saying something upstairs about how we should be taking care of Doogal?
DOOVIN: Indeed. I’ve heard that in two weeks, Doogal will take his forces and his followers and march on Compassgate, with the intention to overthrow the local government.
GUY: Would that work?
DOOVIN: Well, he’s got a stranglehold on most of the crops and the horses –
VIRGIL: Grrrrr!
VIRGIL shakes his fist.
DOOVIN: - so my estimation is that he’ll be hailed as a hero when he marches in there.
BRIX: So we need to get there ahead of time to warn the local law enforcement.
FLOYD: That won’t do us any good.
BRIX: Why not?
FLOYD: The local law enforcement in Compassgate is the newly-appointed Marshall Drooley.
GUY: What?
VIRGIL: Are you fucking kidding me?
FLOYD: Granted, this information came from Mitchell, so it very well could be a lie. In fact, it probably is.
GUY: Regardless, we need to get to Compassgate but fast.
DOOVIN: First, you should go check on your friend Malus. You may not like what you find there.
BRIX: Uh-oh. Didn’t we send a messenger to Malus’ farm?
VIRGIL: We sure did.
CHRIS TENNISON: We’d better hurry!
FLOYD: I’m on it!
Sings:
Say you’ve got to get somewhere,
And you need to get there fast,
You’re a tortoise in a race,
And you can’t afford to come in last…
Light isolates FLOYD.
Put on your hat!Grab up your gear
We’re gonna take a ride
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
Just sail out on the tide
When you tend to take things in the literal sense
You have to round every corner and jump every fence
But traveling through song is what gives you license
To head from A to B
Without passing every tree!
DOOVIN joins FLOYD in the spotlight.
DOOVIN: Oh,
The journey can take so long!
FLOYD & DOOVIN: But a journey becomes a jaunt
When lovingly expressed in vibrant song!
So…
Put on your hat.
Wipe off that frown,
And join us in our dance
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
If you just give it a chance!
Stop taking things in a literal sense
And the Fiftynames Express will finally commence
FLOYD waits, but no one sings with him. Spoken:
Um… guys, this is the part where you sing with me.
DOOVIN: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
Lights return to normal. The others are gone.
They left when you started singing.
FLOYD: Son of a bitch.
Sings:
Let’s proceed with alarm
As we head to Malus’ farm!
Button. DOOVIN exits as his basement flies out, and MALUS’ farm flies in. The entire farm is in disrepair, as though no one has been here for several weeks. The skeleton of the MESSENGER is pinned to the side of the barn with an axe through the ribs. Spoken:
FLOYD: Well, I’m glad I got here early.
BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON enter.
BRIX: Goon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Note to self – never give Malus bad news.
GUY: Floyd – any sign of Malus?
FLOYD: Other than the axe and the corpse? Nope.
BRIX: Oh, boy. You think Nikolai has called him into service?
VIRGIL: I’d bet money on it.
GUY: We need to get to Compassgate.
FLOYD: Can we travel by song this time?
VIRGIL: Why don’t we just take these flying white horses Doovin lent us?
FLOYD: Flying white what?
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah, Doovin gave them to us while you were singing.
GUY: We’d have told you about them, but we didn’t want to.
FLOYD: Beans.
GUY: Anyway, hop on. They’re going to take us as far south as the Morningstar Abbey.
Four flying white HORSES enter.
HORSE #1: (neighing) All abo-ho-hoard!
The boys hop on the horses and fly away.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the Morningstar Abbey. ART is outside, checking a truck of wine. The party enters, landing their horses nearby.
HORSE #1: Well, this is as far as we go. See you around!
The HORSES fly away.
ART: You boys do know how to make an entrance.
VIRGIL: Art! How’s it hanging?
ART: Not bad. I’m the Abbott now.
GUY: Good for you!
ART: Yeah, Larst saw fit to go over Nikolai’s head on that one. Nikolai had no objections, probably on account of me seeing that summoning circle in his chamber. A little leverage never hurts. Regardless, I’d still like to see Nikolai bounced from his seat altogether.
GUY: Wouldn’t we all.
VIRGIL: Art, as it turns out, we’re doing a little Year of the Ram research. What do you know about this past generation?
ART: Well, there were supposed to be twelve of you, and Teris found eight. You four, Eric, and Zarin, and two others who were kidnapped from here when you all were very young.
BRIX: Children kidnapped from here?
ART: Mm-hmm. You’re too young to remember, but their names were Delphin and Graxx. Delphin was Eric’s twin, and Graxx was yours, Brixmore.
BRIX: I have a twin?
ART: You all do. Virgil, Zarin is yours, and Guy and Floyd, you two can probably figure out. Delphin and Eric are particularly notable because they are the progeny of another born in the year of the Ram two hundred years prior, a fella named Harves Raeth.
VIRGIL: I wonder if that’s who Doovin was talking about – he mentioned another generation of the Year of the Ram that we wouldn’t want to get mixed up with.
ART: I should say not. Harves Raeth has not led a reputable existence, to put it kindly.
GUY: What of the children Teris didn’t’ find?
ART: All I know about them is that one was a set of Halfling twins, and the other two were elves.
VIRGIL: And of those four, one of them is Doogal.
FLOYD: Or Doogal could be an alias for Delphin or Graxx.
BRIX: Nikolai also mentioned that he already had a child from the Year of the Ram at his disposal. If that were Delphin or Graxx –
GUY: Or one of the others –
BRIX: We should definitely try to find out.
GUY: Right. Thank you Art, this is very helpful.
ART: My pleasure. Hope that doesn’t complicate things too much.
FLOYD: Oh, we’re way past that.
From one of the upper floors, a window opens, and a teenage human girl sticks her head out and shouts:
GIRL: At the moment of the Harvest, the stars will begin to fall!
She retreats. The boys look at ART.
CHRIS TENNISON: Care to explain that one?
ART: That’s one of our current wards. She has the gift of prophecy.
FLOYD: “At the moment of the Harvest, the stars will begin to fall.”
GUY: Could be a clue to The Harvester’s location. Has she given any other prophecies?
ART: A couple. “The one who walks in darkness gathers his council among him and goes there unto Larst.” That one was spoken to me. Another monk here heard her say, “And those who grew up as brothers and maintained brothers among them true of necessity shall walk the path of darkness, yet only three shall exit on the other side.”
VIRGIL: That last one sounds like it could be directed towards us.
BRIX: We can’t discount the first one, either. Looks like we need to add Larst to our travel itinerary.
VIRGIL: The last makes it sound like at least one of us is going to die before this is all said and done.
GUY: If you choose to believe it.
CHRIS TENNISON: It is a prophecy.
GUY: Well, I’m sick of prophecies! I’m of the mind to make my own destiny from here on out. No more of telling us what we are destined to accomplish - what say Brix, Floyd, Virgil, Chris Tennison, and Guy make their own agenda and follow through, huh?
FLOYD: Sounds good to me!
VIRGIL: I’m with you, too.
BRIX: And me, too, Guy.
CHRIS TENNISON: (Smiles) I’m getting too old for this shit. Aw, what the hell, I’m in!
GUY: Now what say we all head for Compassgate and confront Doogal once and for all!
VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah!
GUY: C’mon, then! What are we waiting for?
Bells.
ART: Oops, time for supper. Corned beef and cabbage tonight.
FLOYD: That sounds good.
BRIX: It sure does.
VIRGIL: I can’t remember the last time I had corned beef.
GUY: Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to wait until tomorrow to confront Doogal once and for all.
Exeunt into the Abbey. Curtain closes.
END OF ACT III.
Act III
DOOVIN’s basement. The body of the PROCLAIMER lays upon a slab in the center. FLOYD enters and addresses the audience.
FLOYD: Previously on “The Order of the Abbey – the Puppet Musical:”
Characters pop in and out of the edge of the proscenium as they say their lines:
BRIX: I’m on the side of the One True God, Virgil.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Somebody went to the Dagda Bridge and released the Hunt, and I have a theory that it’s after you boys.
DOOVIN: The Harvester is going to have to undergo a one-month preparation in a secret location. Find that location, and you can stop him.
MITCHELL: Fine. Tell your little friend when he wakes up that I will see that he is forever barred from being a bard!
BRIX: Are you trying to tell us that Doogal is also a member of the Year of the Ram?
VIRGIL: Doovin, sometimes I sneak off into the forest so I can jerk off in peace. (breaks character) THAT’S my recap line?
DOOVIN: “Lo, I am Death, destroyer of worlds.” Yep, that’s the Shiva Sword, all right. Has the power to undo creation.
GUY: How did Goldschmiddt get his hands on this kind of magic?
VIRGIL: Who is this?
DOOVIN: This is the earthly body of The Proclaimer.
FLOYD: And now, on with the show!
FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and DOOVIN re-assemble in the spots they were in when the last part ended.
CHRIS TENNISON: The Proclaimer sleeps in your basement?
DOOVIN: He’s not asleep, Chris Tennison. He’s dead.
CHRIS TENNISON: Oh, okay. For a minute I was worried The Proclaimer was some kind of jobless hippie squatter.
BRIX: I can’t believe the body of the most holy prophet is here.
DOOVIN: Why not? It’s the safest place on the continent.
BRIX: But surely The Church would want –
DOOVIN: The Church?! Brixmore, by now you must know that there are those in the clergy who cannot be trusted with a locker combination, much less the body of The Pro-freaking-claimer.
BRIX: Point taken. But underneath the Grand Cathedral in Larst, is there not a place where holy relics are safeguarded?
DOOVIN: The catacombs? Brother, you don’t even want to know about what kind of crazy shit is down there. Trust me. This is the safest possible place that The Proclaimer could be right now.
BRIX: I don’t doubt that, Doovin… bless your soul for keeping him safe.
DOOVIN: I take a lot of pride in my job, but it does come with a price.
BRIX: What kind of price?
DOOVIN: Well, the body of The Proclaimer isn’t decomposing, and it isn’t going anywhere. Somebody’s got to be here to watch it, so I am both gifted and cursed with immortality, unable to see the afterlife promised to the followers of his teachings.
FLOYD: Ironic.
DOOVIN: Ain’t it, though?
BRIX: I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps one day, you can be relieved of your duty, so that you might bask in the glow of the One True God in the great beyond.
DOOVIN: Are you… threatening me?
BRIX: What? No!
DOOVIN: Okay, ‘cause it sounded like -
BRIX: No.
DOOVIN: Fair enough.
GUY: Sorry to interrupt –
FLOYD: No, you’re not.
GUY: But weren’t you saying something upstairs about how we should be taking care of Doogal?
DOOVIN: Indeed. I’ve heard that in two weeks, Doogal will take his forces and his followers and march on Compassgate, with the intention to overthrow the local government.
GUY: Would that work?
DOOVIN: Well, he’s got a stranglehold on most of the crops and the horses –
VIRGIL: Grrrrr!
VIRGIL shakes his fist.
DOOVIN: - so my estimation is that he’ll be hailed as a hero when he marches in there.
BRIX: So we need to get there ahead of time to warn the local law enforcement.
FLOYD: That won’t do us any good.
BRIX: Why not?
FLOYD: The local law enforcement in Compassgate is the newly-appointed Marshall Drooley.
GUY: What?
VIRGIL: Are you fucking kidding me?
FLOYD: Granted, this information came from Mitchell, so it very well could be a lie. In fact, it probably is.
GUY: Regardless, we need to get to Compassgate but fast.
DOOVIN: First, you should go check on your friend Malus. You may not like what you find there.
BRIX: Uh-oh. Didn’t we send a messenger to Malus’ farm?
VIRGIL: We sure did.
CHRIS TENNISON: We’d better hurry!
FLOYD: I’m on it!
Sings:
Say you’ve got to get somewhere,
And you need to get there fast,
You’re a tortoise in a race,
And you can’t afford to come in last…
Light isolates FLOYD.
Put on your hat!Grab up your gear
We’re gonna take a ride
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
Just sail out on the tide
When you tend to take things in the literal sense
You have to round every corner and jump every fence
But traveling through song is what gives you license
To head from A to B
Without passing every tree!
DOOVIN joins FLOYD in the spotlight.
DOOVIN: Oh,
The journey can take so long!
FLOYD & DOOVIN: But a journey becomes a jaunt
When lovingly expressed in vibrant song!
So…
Put on your hat.
Wipe off that frown,
And join us in our dance
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
If you just give it a chance!
Stop taking things in a literal sense
And the Fiftynames Express will finally commence
FLOYD waits, but no one sings with him. Spoken:
Um… guys, this is the part where you sing with me.
DOOVIN: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
Lights return to normal. The others are gone.
They left when you started singing.
FLOYD: Son of a bitch.
Sings:
Let’s proceed with alarm
As we head to Malus’ farm!
Button. DOOVIN exits as his basement flies out, and MALUS’ farm flies in. The entire farm is in disrepair, as though no one has been here for several weeks. The skeleton of the MESSENGER is pinned to the side of the barn with an axe through the ribs. Spoken:
FLOYD: Well, I’m glad I got here early.
BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON enter.
BRIX: Goon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Note to self – never give Malus bad news.
GUY: Floyd – any sign of Malus?
FLOYD: Other than the axe and the corpse? Nope.
BRIX: Oh, boy. You think Nikolai has called him into service?
VIRGIL: I’d bet money on it.
GUY: We need to get to Compassgate.
FLOYD: Can we travel by song this time?
VIRGIL: Why don’t we just take these flying white horses Doovin lent us?
FLOYD: Flying white what?
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah, Doovin gave them to us while you were singing.
GUY: We’d have told you about them, but we didn’t want to.
FLOYD: Beans.
GUY: Anyway, hop on. They’re going to take us as far south as the Morningstar Abbey.
Four flying white HORSES enter.
HORSE #1: (neighing) All abo-ho-hoard!
The boys hop on the horses and fly away.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the Morningstar Abbey. ART is outside, checking a truck of wine. The party enters, landing their horses nearby.
HORSE #1: Well, this is as far as we go. See you around!
The HORSES fly away.
ART: You boys do know how to make an entrance.
VIRGIL: Art! How’s it hanging?
ART: Not bad. I’m the Abbott now.
GUY: Good for you!
ART: Yeah, Larst saw fit to go over Nikolai’s head on that one. Nikolai had no objections, probably on account of me seeing that summoning circle in his chamber. A little leverage never hurts. Regardless, I’d still like to see Nikolai bounced from his seat altogether.
GUY: Wouldn’t we all.
VIRGIL: Art, as it turns out, we’re doing a little Year of the Ram research. What do you know about this past generation?
ART: Well, there were supposed to be twelve of you, and Teris found eight. You four, Eric, and Zarin, and two others who were kidnapped from here when you all were very young.
BRIX: Children kidnapped from here?
ART: Mm-hmm. You’re too young to remember, but their names were Delphin and Graxx. Delphin was Eric’s twin, and Graxx was yours, Brixmore.
BRIX: I have a twin?
ART: You all do. Virgil, Zarin is yours, and Guy and Floyd, you two can probably figure out. Delphin and Eric are particularly notable because they are the progeny of another born in the year of the Ram two hundred years prior, a fella named Harves Raeth.
VIRGIL: I wonder if that’s who Doovin was talking about – he mentioned another generation of the Year of the Ram that we wouldn’t want to get mixed up with.
ART: I should say not. Harves Raeth has not led a reputable existence, to put it kindly.
GUY: What of the children Teris didn’t’ find?
ART: All I know about them is that one was a set of Halfling twins, and the other two were elves.
VIRGIL: And of those four, one of them is Doogal.
FLOYD: Or Doogal could be an alias for Delphin or Graxx.
BRIX: Nikolai also mentioned that he already had a child from the Year of the Ram at his disposal. If that were Delphin or Graxx –
GUY: Or one of the others –
BRIX: We should definitely try to find out.
GUY: Right. Thank you Art, this is very helpful.
ART: My pleasure. Hope that doesn’t complicate things too much.
FLOYD: Oh, we’re way past that.
From one of the upper floors, a window opens, and a teenage human girl sticks her head out and shouts:
GIRL: At the moment of the Harvest, the stars will begin to fall!
She retreats. The boys look at ART.
CHRIS TENNISON: Care to explain that one?
ART: That’s one of our current wards. She has the gift of prophecy.
FLOYD: “At the moment of the Harvest, the stars will begin to fall.”
GUY: Could be a clue to The Harvester’s location. Has she given any other prophecies?
ART: A couple. “The one who walks in darkness gathers his council among him and goes there unto Larst.” That one was spoken to me. Another monk here heard her say, “And those who grew up as brothers and maintained brothers among them true of necessity shall walk the path of darkness, yet only three shall exit on the other side.”
VIRGIL: That last one sounds like it could be directed towards us.
BRIX: We can’t discount the first one, either. Looks like we need to add Larst to our travel itinerary.
VIRGIL: The last makes it sound like at least one of us is going to die before this is all said and done.
GUY: If you choose to believe it.
CHRIS TENNISON: It is a prophecy.
GUY: Well, I’m sick of prophecies! I’m of the mind to make my own destiny from here on out. No more of telling us what we are destined to accomplish - what say Brix, Floyd, Virgil, Chris Tennison, and Guy make their own agenda and follow through, huh?
FLOYD: Sounds good to me!
VIRGIL: I’m with you, too.
BRIX: And me, too, Guy.
CHRIS TENNISON: (Smiles) I’m getting too old for this shit. Aw, what the hell, I’m in!
GUY: Now what say we all head for Compassgate and confront Doogal once and for all!
VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah!
GUY: C’mon, then! What are we waiting for?
Bells.
ART: Oops, time for supper. Corned beef and cabbage tonight.
FLOYD: That sounds good.
BRIX: It sure does.
VIRGIL: I can’t remember the last time I had corned beef.
GUY: Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to wait until tomorrow to confront Doogal once and for all.
Exeunt into the Abbey. Curtain closes.
END OF ACT III.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Session XIX, (cont.) - Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation
The Order of the Abbey, Part Four: Dealin’ with Doogal
Act II
Curtain opens on the interior of the Warrior’s Rest. A new gnome, RUMPLEMINTZ, is behind the bar. A few patrons mill about, drinking and talking.
The doors open and BRIXMORE, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY enter.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Well, I’ll be! The famous Year of the Ram themselves! You must be… now, let me see… don’t help me – Brixmore the dwarf, right?
BRIX: Aye.
RUMPLEMINTZ: And you’re Guy Fodder, am I correct?
GUY: Fodder’s… really more of a nickname.
RUMPLEMINTZ: And Virgil?
VIRGIL: Who the fuck is this guy?
RUMPLEMINTZ: And are you, Chris Tennison, formerly Hirsute MacGuffin?
CHRIS TENNISON: Sure am!
RUMPLEMINTZ: Well, I’m just as pleased as punch to meet you all! I’m Rumplemintz. Goldscmiddt hired me on as extra help.
GUY: Opposites attract, I see.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Hm?
GUY: Never mind.
RUMPLEMINTZ: But, wait! Where’s the one who made your names so famous, your gnomish bard companion?
VIRGIL: Oh, he’ll be along in a minute.
FLOYD enters, agitated.
FLOYD: Virgil! Thanks for a whole assload of nothing!
VIRGIL: What are you talking abou?
FLOYD: Mitchell was not hiding in that there briar patch up the road… I don’t know what you saw, but now I’m all scratched up and my clothes are torn, and…you son of a bitch.
The others break up laughing. FLOYD addresses the audience:
FLOYD: Hi, folks, Floyd Fiftynames here. I’ve been a little off my game recently. See, I just found out that there’s this bard out there named Mitchell who’s playing my songs and claiming them as his own. I called him out on it, and just as we were about to fight an honest duel, he sucker punched me. Suffice to say, when I find him, he’d have best written his own dirge.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, my! Is it really you?
FLOYD: What’s that? Oh, yes. Good to meet you…
RUMPLEMINTZ: Rumplemintz.
FLOYD: Rumplemintz. A pleasure.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, the pleasure’s all mine, Mitchell!
Thunder.
FLOYD:…what?
RUMPLEMINTZ: The author of such songs as “To Be a Mer-Gnome,” and “The Battle of the Cracked Flagon” needs no introduction here. We all know you, Mitchell!
FLOYD: My. Name. is. Not. Mitchell.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, I’m sorry. What is your name, gnomish stranger?
FLOYD: I sir, am Floyd Havenshickle Ullrich Nicklepolish Fogerty Nipnipnip Eidelweiss Filtmore Sussantacher Dondlefizzle Greenbarrow Corknozzle Degrander Flippentumble Witzen Hollowhiller Kriddentree Meidentallow Quartzbasher Badgertailor Pommemander Yulespritzle Havendasher Breezefighter Culinator Obblepeddler Burrowmaster KaBong Hatcrafter Saucespoon Udenhollow Rickshaw Shadowblaster Wicktamer Bostwick Fellowhand Bashhit Tuladenfork Alphabetaxer Elf-friend Ropedryer Bellowsmender Twinklefoot Pipethief Grimbit Judenhaste Swistender Nozplaster Krisskslayer FIFTYNAMES, dammit!
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh. Do you know Mitchell?
FLOYD: I know everything you need to know about that son of a bitch.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Do tell!
FLOYD:
Sings:
What kind of Gnome
Steals another Gnome’s song?
It’s just not the right thing to do –
No honorable Bard
Would e’er play that card
Without a soul made of pure poo.
So, Mitchell the Bard
Must be a retard,
For stealing Floyd Fiftynames’ songs –
Not only a thief,
E’er he turned a new leaf
The other side’d also be wrong.
It sure is a shame
That he’d sully his name
And the name of good Bards everywhere;
If he feels threatened by me,
Well, that’s easy to see,
For I’m young and my nuts have more hair.
Yes, Mitchell the Bard
Has much balder gnards,
As all of you now are aware,
I’m sure the Council would blush,
And soon they would rush
To let a new Bard clear the air.
Button. Spoken:
RUMPLEMINTZ: Say, that’s pretty good!
FLOYD: I know.
FLOYD crosses to an empty table and sits.
GUY: Don’t mind him. Is Goldschmiddt in?
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.
GOLDSCHMIDDT enters.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Oh, goody. It’s the merry band of adventurers who occasionally stop by to threaten my life.
Suddenly, his tone changes, and he says under his breath to the party:
My office. Quick.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, Goldschmiddt, we… wait, what?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: You heard me. Now.
GOLDSCHMIDDT exits into the back.
BRIX: Come on, Floyd. Goldschmiddt has something important to tell us.
FLOYD: Fine.
The boys exit into the back. A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens up, revealing small office. GOLDSCHMIDDT sits at his desk. The party enters. GOLDSCHMIDDT behaves differently than his “public” persona. He is quick, to the point, and curt.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Do you boys know anyone who might have released the Wild Hunt?
VIRGIL: What? No! Why?
BRIX: The Wild Hunt is on the loose?
GUY: Holy shit!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Somebody went to the Dagda Bridge and released the Hunt, and I have a theory that it’s after you boys.
VIRGIL: Who the fuck would send the Wild Hunt after us?
A pause as it sinks in.
GUY: Doogal.
CHORD.
BRIX: What is with that guy?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: But how did Doogal get that information?
FLOYD: I think I know.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: What?
FLOYD: Guy… your book.
GUY pulls the book out of his backpack that was made by PHILIPI, the scribe.
GUY: Oh. Forgot I had this.
FLOYD: Is there a chapter in there about the Dagda bridge?
GUY peruses the book.
GUY: Um… yeah.
FLOYD: There’s your answer, Goldschmiddt.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: This is not good.
A mist starts to creep in under the door.
We’ve got to hid you boys somewhere… somewhere the hunt can’t get to.
BRIX: Is there anyplace it can’t go?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Only one place nearby that I can think of.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, cool! Mist!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Son of a bitch. The hunt is on its way.
GOLDSCHMIDDT reaches into his desk, and hands all the boys a vial.
Drink this, then run west to a clearing about half a day’s ride from here.
GUY: Are you kidding? We’ll be chopped to bits before we ever get there!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Not if you drink that, you won’t.
GUY: But what is it?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: It’s special magic hoo-joo! You don’t have time for questions – drink it!
The party obliges. B-STAGE closes behind the characters.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Run!
The party runs (in place). GOLDSCHMIDDT exits, and B-STAGE opens, revealing blurry trees as the characters book it. The sound of a HORN fills the air, and the mist becomes thicker.
VIRGIL: Whoooo! This is awesome!
CHRIS TENNISON: How are we running so fast?
VIRGIL: Powerful magics, my friend.
GUY: I think the more important question is, how did Goldschmiddt get his hands on this kind of magic?
FLOYD: Yeah, he’s just an unassuming barkeep at an inn that used to be a tomb way out in the middle of nowhere. Those guys never turn out to be more than they seem.
GUY: But it raises the even MORE important question –
BRIX: No! No, there is no more important question, at least not at the moment. The important issue right now is to run from the hunt before it catches up with us!
CHRIS TENNISON: Brixmore makes a solid point, fellas.
GUY: Fair enough. I guess the only question I have at this point, then, is how much farther are we going to be able to run?
The party exits. B-STAGE closes.
A-STAGE opens to a clearing in the middle of the forest. A modest country house with an exterior cellar, exuding peace and safety from every door and window. A man sits on the porch, thoughtfully smoking a pipe. This is DOOVIN. The sound of footsteps, and the horn approach. Mist surrounds the clearing, but does not enter it. Finally, BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and FLOYD run in, and stop, breathing heavily.
DOOVIN: Hello.
VIRGIL: Hi.
GUY: Goldschmiddt sent us.
DOOVIN: (nodding) Mm-hm. The Hunt?
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah. How’d you –
A chill ripples through the clearing as THE HORNED KING enters, a towering figure clad in a dark cloak; he has great antlers that protrude from a hood that obscures the rest of his face.
THE HORNED KING stops at the edge of the clearing. He can go no farther.
FLOYD: Gah!
DOOVIN: Relax. He can’t come in here.
BRIX: He can’t?
DOOVIN: Nope – on account of the holy magic that protects this place.
BRIX: Holy magic? What kind of –
DOOVIN: You boys must be tired.
VIRGIL: Well, now that you mention it –
BRIX, FLOYD, GUY, CHRIS TENNISON, and VIRGIL collapse in a deep slumber. DOOVIN addresses THE HORNED KING.
DOOVIN: I’m taking these boys inside to get some rest now. You shoo. Shoo!
DOOVIN waves his pipe at THE HORNED KING, who skulks away.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the underwater kingdom of the Mer-Gnomes. MER-FLOYD swims in, followed by MER-GUY, MER-BRIX, MER-VIRGIL, and MER-CHRIS TENNISON.
VIRGIL: Whoa…
FLOYD: I fucking told you so!
BRIX: You sure did, Floyd.
FLOYD: So maybe you should believe me about Mitchell, too.
GUY: I seriously doubt that.
FLOYD: Why?
GUY: Because this is a dream sequence, dumbass.
CHRIS TENNISON: And the gag is getting tired, too.
FLOYD: Fine, fine…
The party swims off. LILY enters.
LILY: Floyd?
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens up on the interior of DOOVIN’s house. FLOYD is downstairs, picking at a lute. DOOVIN is cooking breakfast. BRIX is off to the side, saying his prayers. CHRIS TENNISON enters.
CHRIS TENNISON: What time is it?
FLOYD: Wednesday.
CHRIS TENNISON: Jumpin’ Jehosaphat! We slept for three days?
DOOVIN: You looked like you needed it.
FLOYD: That we did, Doovin.
CHRIS TENNISON: Doovin?
DOOVIN: At your service. Have some breakfast.
DOOVIN sets down a monster plate of biscuits, bacon, and gravy in front of CHRIS TENNISON, who eats hungrily.
FLOYD: Three days of sleep’ll have an effect on your appetite.
Sings:
Down at the edge of the forest
Just before the sun met the day
At a quaint little farm
Where you’ll never know harm
I found me a nice place to stay
I was awoke from my slumber
By a smell from the stove wafting by
Of hot, piping coffee
And biscuits and gravy
And bacon just starting to fry
So pleasant was this early morning
I was certain that this was a dream
But the aches that I felt
Told me I wasn’t healt,
And things truly were as they seemed
And then as I rose up to standing
I was greeted by a friendly face
Sayin’, ‘Hot piping coffee
And biscuits and gravy
Before you return to the race’
Every minstrel and wandering traveler
Needs a spot to feel safe now and then
And the farm that I found
Where the crops grow around
Is a place that I’ll visit again.
Button. Spoken:
DOOVIN: Well, I do what I can.
BRIX finishes his prayers, crosses to the table.
BRIX: I’ve never felt so close to the One True God before. This place is amazing.
DOOVIN: There's a reason for that.
FLOYD: It’s so peaceful.
GUY and VIRGIL enter, recently awake.
GUY: All right, I’m up. Time for questions!
FLOYD: Well, it was.
VIRGIL: Who are you?
DOOVIN: Name’s Doovin.
GUY: Why did Goldschmiddt send us to you?
DOOVIN: Probably because I can provide you lads with some answers.
GUY: What kind of answers?
DOOVIN: Well, take the Harvest, for instance.
VIRGIL: You… you know about the Harvest?
DOOVIN: Sure do. Floyd told me all about it.
VIRGIL: How much did you tell him, Floyd?
FLOYD: Doovin? I told him everything. You would too, if you tried the food he just made.
VIRGIL: I very much doubt that…
VIRGIL takes a bite of a biscuit. It’s overwhelmingly good.
Wow. Doovin, sometimes I sneak off into the forest so I can jerk off in peace.
FLOYD: Thems are damn fine biscuits!
GUY: So, what can you tell us about the Harvester?
DOOVIN: Well, if the Harvester is loose, he’s preparing for the Harvest. That’ll take place on the last night of High Autumn. In the meantime, he’s going to have to undergo a one-month preparation for the Harvest in a secret location. Find that location, and you can stop him before this all goes down.
CHRIS TENNISON: With the Apocalypse Sword, maybe?
DOOVIN: Oh, yes – the sword. Let me see that.
GUY hands DOOVIN the sword. He draws it.
VIRGIL: Holy fucking shit!
VIRGIL, GUY, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON all cover their eyes and hunch down. To their surprise, the sword does not kill them.
DOOVIN: “Lo, I am Death, destroyer of worlds.”
He sheaths the sword.
Yep, that’s the Shiva Sword, all right. Has the power to undo creation.
BRIX: Yeah? Well, how come it didn’t just now?
DOOVIN: Because nothing evil can enter this property.
VIRGIL: Nothing?
DOOVIN: Not a thing… that I know of.
VIRGIL: Well, that’s a relief.
BRIX: What is?
VIRGIL: I’m not evil.
BRIX: Well, neither was Sally, but you’d never know from the Eye of Toth being in her head. Some things can be deceiving.
DOOVIN: Eye of Toth?
GUY: Yeah, what do you know about that?
DOOVIN: Just that Toth was a pagan god of old. Using the powers of the Eye eventually take your soul away.
VIRGIL: Oh, excellent.
GUY: I guess that means we have to go back and get it back from Sally.
DOOVIN: I’m sure Garam will take care of it. You Year of the Ram children have this tendency to take everything upon yourselves.
BRIX: Well, speaking of Year of the Ram, what can you tell us about that?
DOOVIN: Well, there are twelve of you born in this cycle of the year of the ram.
BRIX: This cycle?
DOOVIN: Yes… Children were born in the other years of the ram, you know.
GUY: Maybe they could provide some answers that we’ve been seeking. Do you know any previous generations of the year of the ram, Doovin?
DOOVIN: Only one, and it’s best that you not get mixed up with him.
FLOYD: Aw, come on!
DOOVIN: No, no. It’s not time for that. You have members of your own generation to worry about.
FLOYD: Like who?
DOOVIN: Like Doogal.
CHORD.
BRIX: Are you trying to tell us that Doogal is also a member of the Year of the Ram?
GUY: That doesn’t even begin to make sense. He was already an active beast breeder by the time we were sixteen.
DOOVIN: What can I say? Doogal’s a go-getter.
CHRIS TENNISON: Wow. It’s kind of humbling to think of yourselves as late-bloomers, huh?
FLOYD: Easy now, Chris Tennison. Nothing humbles Floyd Fiftynames.
DOOVIN: Oh, yeah?
FLOYD: Yeah.
DOOVIN: Perhaps you boys should come to my basement.
FLOYD: Something about that sounds so wrong, and yet, I am completely amenable to your suggestion.
DOOVIN’s kitchen flies out, replaced by his basement, which has some weapons and tools hanging on the walls, and a large slab in the center, upon which a fresh-looking body lays.
BRIX and GUY immediately fall to their knees. FLOYD takes off his hat.
VIRGIL: Who is this?
DOOVIN: This is the earthly body of The Proclaimer.
The boys exchange looks. Curtain closes.
END OF ACT II
Act II
Curtain opens on the interior of the Warrior’s Rest. A new gnome, RUMPLEMINTZ, is behind the bar. A few patrons mill about, drinking and talking.
The doors open and BRIXMORE, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY enter.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Well, I’ll be! The famous Year of the Ram themselves! You must be… now, let me see… don’t help me – Brixmore the dwarf, right?
BRIX: Aye.
RUMPLEMINTZ: And you’re Guy Fodder, am I correct?
GUY: Fodder’s… really more of a nickname.
RUMPLEMINTZ: And Virgil?
VIRGIL: Who the fuck is this guy?
RUMPLEMINTZ: And are you, Chris Tennison, formerly Hirsute MacGuffin?
CHRIS TENNISON: Sure am!
RUMPLEMINTZ: Well, I’m just as pleased as punch to meet you all! I’m Rumplemintz. Goldscmiddt hired me on as extra help.
GUY: Opposites attract, I see.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Hm?
GUY: Never mind.
RUMPLEMINTZ: But, wait! Where’s the one who made your names so famous, your gnomish bard companion?
VIRGIL: Oh, he’ll be along in a minute.
FLOYD enters, agitated.
FLOYD: Virgil! Thanks for a whole assload of nothing!
VIRGIL: What are you talking abou?
FLOYD: Mitchell was not hiding in that there briar patch up the road… I don’t know what you saw, but now I’m all scratched up and my clothes are torn, and…you son of a bitch.
The others break up laughing. FLOYD addresses the audience:
FLOYD: Hi, folks, Floyd Fiftynames here. I’ve been a little off my game recently. See, I just found out that there’s this bard out there named Mitchell who’s playing my songs and claiming them as his own. I called him out on it, and just as we were about to fight an honest duel, he sucker punched me. Suffice to say, when I find him, he’d have best written his own dirge.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, my! Is it really you?
FLOYD: What’s that? Oh, yes. Good to meet you…
RUMPLEMINTZ: Rumplemintz.
FLOYD: Rumplemintz. A pleasure.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, the pleasure’s all mine, Mitchell!
Thunder.
FLOYD:…what?
RUMPLEMINTZ: The author of such songs as “To Be a Mer-Gnome,” and “The Battle of the Cracked Flagon” needs no introduction here. We all know you, Mitchell!
FLOYD: My. Name. is. Not. Mitchell.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, I’m sorry. What is your name, gnomish stranger?
FLOYD: I sir, am Floyd Havenshickle Ullrich Nicklepolish Fogerty Nipnipnip Eidelweiss Filtmore Sussantacher Dondlefizzle Greenbarrow Corknozzle Degrander Flippentumble Witzen Hollowhiller Kriddentree Meidentallow Quartzbasher Badgertailor Pommemander Yulespritzle Havendasher Breezefighter Culinator Obblepeddler Burrowmaster KaBong Hatcrafter Saucespoon Udenhollow Rickshaw Shadowblaster Wicktamer Bostwick Fellowhand Bashhit Tuladenfork Alphabetaxer Elf-friend Ropedryer Bellowsmender Twinklefoot Pipethief Grimbit Judenhaste Swistender Nozplaster Krisskslayer FIFTYNAMES, dammit!
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh. Do you know Mitchell?
FLOYD: I know everything you need to know about that son of a bitch.
RUMPLEMINTZ: Do tell!
FLOYD:
Sings:
What kind of Gnome
Steals another Gnome’s song?
It’s just not the right thing to do –
No honorable Bard
Would e’er play that card
Without a soul made of pure poo.
So, Mitchell the Bard
Must be a retard,
For stealing Floyd Fiftynames’ songs –
Not only a thief,
E’er he turned a new leaf
The other side’d also be wrong.
It sure is a shame
That he’d sully his name
And the name of good Bards everywhere;
If he feels threatened by me,
Well, that’s easy to see,
For I’m young and my nuts have more hair.
Yes, Mitchell the Bard
Has much balder gnards,
As all of you now are aware,
I’m sure the Council would blush,
And soon they would rush
To let a new Bard clear the air.
Button. Spoken:
RUMPLEMINTZ: Say, that’s pretty good!
FLOYD: I know.
FLOYD crosses to an empty table and sits.
GUY: Don’t mind him. Is Goldschmiddt in?
RUMPLEMINTZ: Oh, I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.
GOLDSCHMIDDT enters.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Oh, goody. It’s the merry band of adventurers who occasionally stop by to threaten my life.
Suddenly, his tone changes, and he says under his breath to the party:
My office. Quick.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, Goldschmiddt, we… wait, what?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: You heard me. Now.
GOLDSCHMIDDT exits into the back.
BRIX: Come on, Floyd. Goldschmiddt has something important to tell us.
FLOYD: Fine.
The boys exit into the back. A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens up, revealing small office. GOLDSCHMIDDT sits at his desk. The party enters. GOLDSCHMIDDT behaves differently than his “public” persona. He is quick, to the point, and curt.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Do you boys know anyone who might have released the Wild Hunt?
VIRGIL: What? No! Why?
BRIX: The Wild Hunt is on the loose?
GUY: Holy shit!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Somebody went to the Dagda Bridge and released the Hunt, and I have a theory that it’s after you boys.
VIRGIL: Who the fuck would send the Wild Hunt after us?
A pause as it sinks in.
GUY: Doogal.
CHORD.
BRIX: What is with that guy?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: But how did Doogal get that information?
FLOYD: I think I know.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: What?
FLOYD: Guy… your book.
GUY pulls the book out of his backpack that was made by PHILIPI, the scribe.
GUY: Oh. Forgot I had this.
FLOYD: Is there a chapter in there about the Dagda bridge?
GUY peruses the book.
GUY: Um… yeah.
FLOYD: There’s your answer, Goldschmiddt.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: This is not good.
A mist starts to creep in under the door.
We’ve got to hid you boys somewhere… somewhere the hunt can’t get to.
BRIX: Is there anyplace it can’t go?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Only one place nearby that I can think of.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, cool! Mist!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Son of a bitch. The hunt is on its way.
GOLDSCHMIDDT reaches into his desk, and hands all the boys a vial.
Drink this, then run west to a clearing about half a day’s ride from here.
GUY: Are you kidding? We’ll be chopped to bits before we ever get there!
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Not if you drink that, you won’t.
GUY: But what is it?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: It’s special magic hoo-joo! You don’t have time for questions – drink it!
The party obliges. B-STAGE closes behind the characters.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Run!
The party runs (in place). GOLDSCHMIDDT exits, and B-STAGE opens, revealing blurry trees as the characters book it. The sound of a HORN fills the air, and the mist becomes thicker.
VIRGIL: Whoooo! This is awesome!
CHRIS TENNISON: How are we running so fast?
VIRGIL: Powerful magics, my friend.
GUY: I think the more important question is, how did Goldschmiddt get his hands on this kind of magic?
FLOYD: Yeah, he’s just an unassuming barkeep at an inn that used to be a tomb way out in the middle of nowhere. Those guys never turn out to be more than they seem.
GUY: But it raises the even MORE important question –
BRIX: No! No, there is no more important question, at least not at the moment. The important issue right now is to run from the hunt before it catches up with us!
CHRIS TENNISON: Brixmore makes a solid point, fellas.
GUY: Fair enough. I guess the only question I have at this point, then, is how much farther are we going to be able to run?
The party exits. B-STAGE closes.
A-STAGE opens to a clearing in the middle of the forest. A modest country house with an exterior cellar, exuding peace and safety from every door and window. A man sits on the porch, thoughtfully smoking a pipe. This is DOOVIN. The sound of footsteps, and the horn approach. Mist surrounds the clearing, but does not enter it. Finally, BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and FLOYD run in, and stop, breathing heavily.
DOOVIN: Hello.
VIRGIL: Hi.
GUY: Goldschmiddt sent us.
DOOVIN: (nodding) Mm-hm. The Hunt?
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah. How’d you –
A chill ripples through the clearing as THE HORNED KING enters, a towering figure clad in a dark cloak; he has great antlers that protrude from a hood that obscures the rest of his face.
THE HORNED KING stops at the edge of the clearing. He can go no farther.
FLOYD: Gah!
DOOVIN: Relax. He can’t come in here.
BRIX: He can’t?
DOOVIN: Nope – on account of the holy magic that protects this place.
BRIX: Holy magic? What kind of –
DOOVIN: You boys must be tired.
VIRGIL: Well, now that you mention it –
BRIX, FLOYD, GUY, CHRIS TENNISON, and VIRGIL collapse in a deep slumber. DOOVIN addresses THE HORNED KING.
DOOVIN: I’m taking these boys inside to get some rest now. You shoo. Shoo!
DOOVIN waves his pipe at THE HORNED KING, who skulks away.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the underwater kingdom of the Mer-Gnomes. MER-FLOYD swims in, followed by MER-GUY, MER-BRIX, MER-VIRGIL, and MER-CHRIS TENNISON.
VIRGIL: Whoa…
FLOYD: I fucking told you so!
BRIX: You sure did, Floyd.
FLOYD: So maybe you should believe me about Mitchell, too.
GUY: I seriously doubt that.
FLOYD: Why?
GUY: Because this is a dream sequence, dumbass.
CHRIS TENNISON: And the gag is getting tired, too.
FLOYD: Fine, fine…
The party swims off. LILY enters.
LILY: Floyd?
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens up on the interior of DOOVIN’s house. FLOYD is downstairs, picking at a lute. DOOVIN is cooking breakfast. BRIX is off to the side, saying his prayers. CHRIS TENNISON enters.
CHRIS TENNISON: What time is it?
FLOYD: Wednesday.
CHRIS TENNISON: Jumpin’ Jehosaphat! We slept for three days?
DOOVIN: You looked like you needed it.
FLOYD: That we did, Doovin.
CHRIS TENNISON: Doovin?
DOOVIN: At your service. Have some breakfast.
DOOVIN sets down a monster plate of biscuits, bacon, and gravy in front of CHRIS TENNISON, who eats hungrily.
FLOYD: Three days of sleep’ll have an effect on your appetite.
Sings:
Down at the edge of the forest
Just before the sun met the day
At a quaint little farm
Where you’ll never know harm
I found me a nice place to stay
I was awoke from my slumber
By a smell from the stove wafting by
Of hot, piping coffee
And biscuits and gravy
And bacon just starting to fry
So pleasant was this early morning
I was certain that this was a dream
But the aches that I felt
Told me I wasn’t healt,
And things truly were as they seemed
And then as I rose up to standing
I was greeted by a friendly face
Sayin’, ‘Hot piping coffee
And biscuits and gravy
Before you return to the race’
Every minstrel and wandering traveler
Needs a spot to feel safe now and then
And the farm that I found
Where the crops grow around
Is a place that I’ll visit again.
Button. Spoken:
DOOVIN: Well, I do what I can.
BRIX finishes his prayers, crosses to the table.
BRIX: I’ve never felt so close to the One True God before. This place is amazing.
DOOVIN: There's a reason for that.
FLOYD: It’s so peaceful.
GUY and VIRGIL enter, recently awake.
GUY: All right, I’m up. Time for questions!
FLOYD: Well, it was.
VIRGIL: Who are you?
DOOVIN: Name’s Doovin.
GUY: Why did Goldschmiddt send us to you?
DOOVIN: Probably because I can provide you lads with some answers.
GUY: What kind of answers?
DOOVIN: Well, take the Harvest, for instance.
VIRGIL: You… you know about the Harvest?
DOOVIN: Sure do. Floyd told me all about it.
VIRGIL: How much did you tell him, Floyd?
FLOYD: Doovin? I told him everything. You would too, if you tried the food he just made.
VIRGIL: I very much doubt that…
VIRGIL takes a bite of a biscuit. It’s overwhelmingly good.
Wow. Doovin, sometimes I sneak off into the forest so I can jerk off in peace.
FLOYD: Thems are damn fine biscuits!
GUY: So, what can you tell us about the Harvester?
DOOVIN: Well, if the Harvester is loose, he’s preparing for the Harvest. That’ll take place on the last night of High Autumn. In the meantime, he’s going to have to undergo a one-month preparation for the Harvest in a secret location. Find that location, and you can stop him before this all goes down.
CHRIS TENNISON: With the Apocalypse Sword, maybe?
DOOVIN: Oh, yes – the sword. Let me see that.
GUY hands DOOVIN the sword. He draws it.
VIRGIL: Holy fucking shit!
VIRGIL, GUY, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON all cover their eyes and hunch down. To their surprise, the sword does not kill them.
DOOVIN: “Lo, I am Death, destroyer of worlds.”
He sheaths the sword.
Yep, that’s the Shiva Sword, all right. Has the power to undo creation.
BRIX: Yeah? Well, how come it didn’t just now?
DOOVIN: Because nothing evil can enter this property.
VIRGIL: Nothing?
DOOVIN: Not a thing… that I know of.
VIRGIL: Well, that’s a relief.
BRIX: What is?
VIRGIL: I’m not evil.
BRIX: Well, neither was Sally, but you’d never know from the Eye of Toth being in her head. Some things can be deceiving.
DOOVIN: Eye of Toth?
GUY: Yeah, what do you know about that?
DOOVIN: Just that Toth was a pagan god of old. Using the powers of the Eye eventually take your soul away.
VIRGIL: Oh, excellent.
GUY: I guess that means we have to go back and get it back from Sally.
DOOVIN: I’m sure Garam will take care of it. You Year of the Ram children have this tendency to take everything upon yourselves.
BRIX: Well, speaking of Year of the Ram, what can you tell us about that?
DOOVIN: Well, there are twelve of you born in this cycle of the year of the ram.
BRIX: This cycle?
DOOVIN: Yes… Children were born in the other years of the ram, you know.
GUY: Maybe they could provide some answers that we’ve been seeking. Do you know any previous generations of the year of the ram, Doovin?
DOOVIN: Only one, and it’s best that you not get mixed up with him.
FLOYD: Aw, come on!
DOOVIN: No, no. It’s not time for that. You have members of your own generation to worry about.
FLOYD: Like who?
DOOVIN: Like Doogal.
CHORD.
BRIX: Are you trying to tell us that Doogal is also a member of the Year of the Ram?
GUY: That doesn’t even begin to make sense. He was already an active beast breeder by the time we were sixteen.
DOOVIN: What can I say? Doogal’s a go-getter.
CHRIS TENNISON: Wow. It’s kind of humbling to think of yourselves as late-bloomers, huh?
FLOYD: Easy now, Chris Tennison. Nothing humbles Floyd Fiftynames.
DOOVIN: Oh, yeah?
FLOYD: Yeah.
DOOVIN: Perhaps you boys should come to my basement.
FLOYD: Something about that sounds so wrong, and yet, I am completely amenable to your suggestion.
DOOVIN’s kitchen flies out, replaced by his basement, which has some weapons and tools hanging on the walls, and a large slab in the center, upon which a fresh-looking body lays.
BRIX and GUY immediately fall to their knees. FLOYD takes off his hat.
VIRGIL: Who is this?
DOOVIN: This is the earthly body of The Proclaimer.
The boys exchange looks. Curtain closes.
END OF ACT II
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sessions XVIII & XIXish: Floyd' Puppet Theatre Interpretation
The Order of the Abbey, Part Four: Dealin’ with Doogal
Act I
Curtain up on the outskirts of Scar Canyon, a large ravine just south of the Shield Splitter Inn. Noises off precede the entrances of BRIX, GUY, and CHRIS TENNISON, followed by a terse VIRGIL, from left. They trudge on a bit before VIRGIL stops suddenly.
VIRGIL: Lo! I have traveled these lands for almost a year now, and the only time I came across a horse, I had to steal it! Every stable, farm, city, tavern, inn, and charming bodega we have stopped at have been fresh out of steeds, mounts, and anything else with hooves or wings that are available for riding. Finally, when we fight the biggest battle of our lives only to watch a key villain escape on what turns out to be his own personal black riding DRAGON, some wet-behind-the-ears RANGER shows up with his very own mule and wagon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey Virgil, aren’t you a ranger, too?
VIRGIL: SONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKERDAMMIT!
The group continues on, wearily exiting right, followed by OAK driving his mule and wagon, with LIAM and FLOYD sitting in the back of the wagon. LIAM is picking at a lute, and FLOYD is playing is pipe. After a few bars of instrumental music, FLOYD sings:
FLOYD:
Sings:
A horse is a horse
Of course, of course
But no one can purchase a horse
Of course
Unless the broker that deals that horse
Is named Doogal!
So find you a man by the name
Of Ga-ruth
You can hang out in inns or
Hire a slueth
He works for Doogal and he is a man
Who knows of the truth!
And so if you’re tired
Of travel on foot
Your boots are all muddy
And covered in soot
Ask Ga-ruth why Doogal would want every horse
If not for the loot!
Instrumental break
LIAM: A horse is a horse
FLOYD: Of course, of course
LIAM: But no one can purchase a horse
FLOYD: Of course
LIAM: Unless the broker who deals that horse
FLOYD & LIAM: Is named Doogal!
Button. VIRGIL re-enters from right. He approaches the wagon, takes LIAM’s lute, and smashes it to pieces. FLOYD quickly makes his pipe disappear. He turns to the audience.
FLOYD: Hi folks, Floyd Fiftynames here, riding in style across the plains of the old Twilight Lands. We’re headed up north to Scar Canyon to find the handle of Svarth, the second piece of a weapon that Brixmore’s in possession of. With the upcoming confrontation we’re bound to have with the Harvester looming, we figured we should try to get our weapons and gear up to speed. Oak had heard tales of this place that coincided with legends and rumors that Brixmore heard, so here we are.
OAK: Here we are!
FLOYD: I just said that.
The wagon pulls up to the edge of the canyon, where BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY are waiting. FLOYD, LIAM, and OAK hop off of the wagon, and VIRGIL follows. CHRIS TENNISON is reading a brochure with a picture of the canyon on it.
BRIXMORE: Scar Canyon.
CHRIS TENNISON: Says here that Scar Canyon is the Canyon-iest place on earth!
GUY: What does that mean?
CHRIS TENNISON shrugs.
OAK: Shall we descend?
OAK starts down the canyon, followed by LIAM, and soon after, BRIXMORE, GUY and CHRIS TENNISON, still reading the brochure. As FLOYD starts down, VIRGIL watches him go, then reaches into his backpack and pulls out a label.
VIRGIL: Heh-heh-hee!
VIRGIL slaps the label on the upstage side of the mule (so we can’t see it). Suddenly, FLOYD pops back up.
FLOYD: Virgil!
VIRGIL: Hm? What?
FLOYD: You coming or what?
VIRGIL: Yeah, yeah… I’m on my way.
FLOYD: Good. Chris Tennison’s reading some more boring shit from that brochure!
FLOYD disappears down the canyon. VIRGIL follows.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens up to reveal a crevice in the canyon. The bones of a dead ADVENTURER lay impaled on a jagged rock, its clothes torn to rags, some of its gear scattered about. OAK, LIAM, GUY, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON enter.
CHRIS TENNISON: (reading) …taking over one thousand orc day laborers nearly eight months to dig the trenches. Wow!
FLOYD enters, followed by VIRGIL.
GUY: Hey, Virgil. What took you so long?
VIRGIL: Nothing… the sunset was magnificent… it’s eleven a.m., …. what took you so long? Shut up!
LIAM: Whoa there!
LIAM stops short in front of the skeleton.
CHRIS TENNISON: Cool! An animatronic skeleton! Maybe it can tell us about the mysteries of Scar Canyon!
GUY: Shut up. Search that corpse’s things.
VIRGIL and LIAM go through the ADVENTURER’s backpack. FLOYD rifles through its pockets, finds a platinum pieces, surreptitiously slips it into his hat. LIAM comes up with a note.
LIAM: Bingo! Correspondence.
GUY: What does it say?
LIAM: “Dear Expendable Adventurer, your job is discover the secret of Scar Canyon-“
CHRIS TENNISON: -Cool!-
LIAM: “-watch your step, those jagged rocks are mighty sharp.”
BRIX: The poor, illiterate bastard.
GUY: Is it signed?
LIAM: Yep – “Sincerely, Doogal.”
CHORD.
GUY: Again? Boy, we’re gonna have to meet Doogal one of these days.
VIRGIL: Does he say anything about horses in there?
GUY: Why would he say anything about –
LIAM: As a matter of fact, he does. “P.s., it is extremely important that you discover the secret of Scar Canyon because all of the horses I was buying died of the pestilence due to the wretched, filthy conditions I kept them in. Ah, well. C’est la vie, so say the D.” I assume the “D” is for Doogal.
CHORD. VIRGIL drops to his knees and shouts to the sky.
VIRGIL: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rumble from above.
OAK: Please tell me you just started an avalanche.
Tiny rocks begin to fall from above. They slowly get bigger.
BRIX: Run!
Exeunt!
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens to reveal the base of the canyon. Seven TROGLODYTES surround an idol, worshipping it.
TROGS: Malrotic, Malrotic, Malrotic…
BRIX, VIRGIL, GUY, CHRIS TENNISON, LIAM, and OAK enter, unseen by the TROGLODYTES.
OAK: Phew! That was close.
VIRGIL: Shh! That’s Draconic!
LIAM: The language?
VIRGIL: No, the cologne. Yes, the language!
OAK: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to my friend like that.
VIRGIL: And I’d appreciate it if you’d get off my back, you mule-hoarding son of a bitch!
The TROGS stop chanting, and turn and look at the assembled party.
That last part was a little loud, wasn’t it?
GUY: You might say that.
BRIX: Has anyone seen Floyd?
The TROGS grab spears and clubs.
CHRIS TENNISON: Beans!
LIAM: Run!
But it is too late. A fight breaks out between the party and the TROGS.
B-STAGE opens on a room filled with loot and a sleeping hydra. FLOYD enters.
FLOYD: (whispers) Sweet.
FLOYD begins scooping up treasure into his hat. On the other side of the stage, the others have defeated the TROGLODYTES. They cheer and exit. A-STAGE closes. From off, we hear:
CHRIS TENNISON: Floyd! Hey, there he is!
FLOYD’s eyes bug out. He rushes to the door as CHRIS TENNISON enters.
Floyd, we beat down a bunch of troglodytes! Where were you?
The HYDRA awakes.
Oh. There wasn’t anything about that in the brochure.
FLOYD: I wrote the brochure.
CHRIS TENNISON: What? But I found it at the edge of Scar Canyon.
FLOYD: I know. I snuck ahead the night before and placed it there. I haven’t slept in two days.
CHRIS TENNISON: Touche.
GUY, BRIX, VIRGIL, LIAM, and OAK enter behind CHRIS TENNISON.
BRIX: A hydra!
The party fights the HYDRA. GUY chops off one of its heads.
OAK: You might not want to do that!
GUY: Why not?
The HYDRA grows back two heads where the one was chopped off.
OAK: Does that answer your question?
More fighting. At last, the HYDRA is felled.
BRIX: Nice pile of loot you happened upon here, Floyd.
FLOYD: Only the best to share with my party! (to himself) Dirty moochers.
The gang begins to grab up gold and treasure. As they do so, BRIX discovers a secret door.
BRIX: Cool! Secret door!
GUY, BRIX, and LIAM moves the stone in front of the door.
VIRGIL: It’s a tunnel (sniffs) and by the smell of it, it’s been sealed up for a very long time.
BRIX: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go exploring!
The group exits into the tunnel. B-STAGE closes.
A-STAGE opens, revealing a massive chamber chock FULL of goodies. A massive hydra skeleton with sixty heads rests on top. A carving on the wall in a strange language spans the back of the stage. The party enters, and stops short as they behold the treasure.
GUY: Hell, yes! Jackpot!
CHRIS TENNISON: Whoo-hoo!
FLOYD: Payday!
The party runs around, looking at items. FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON stop as FLOYD pulls a pair of boots, a hat, and a pair of gloves out of the pile.
Nifty!
FLOYD tries on the hat.
CHRIS TENNISON: Feel any different?
FLOYD: I do, Chris Tennison. A little older, a little wiser.
CHRIS TENNISON: Good for you.
FLOYD: Yeah. Pull my finger.
CHRIS TENNISON pulls FLOYD’s finger. FLOYD farts, and the two laugh like idiots. Meanwhile, BRIX and LIAM encounter an impressive looking handle.
BRIX: Here it is! The handle of Svarth!
LIAM: What does it do?
BRIX: On its own, nothing, but when I combine it with the hammer…
BRIX puts the hammer and handle together. Musical Chord.
SVARTH: Behold Svarth!
BRIX: Oh, yeah!
GUY and VIRGIL approach the writing on the wall.
GUY: This makes my head hurt.
VIRGIL: Of course it does. It’s the written word.
GUY: Shut up. What does it say?
VIRGIL: Comprehend Languages!
VIRGIL casts.
Hmm… it appears to be Illithid in nature. It reads, “Lord of the 6th Circle of Cthon.”
GUY: That sounds ominous as shit.
VIRGIL: Yeah, it do.
FLOYD puts on the boots.
FLOYD: Hmm…
FLOYD clicks his heels. Instantly he is transported 40 feet across the room.
Titties!
BRIX: Floyd, that looks a might dangerous.
FLOYD: Yes, it does. I promise I’ll only use these in an extreme emergency.
BRIX: That’s not what I meant. Maybe you should not be wearing those.
FLOYD: But… these boots are extremely fly, are they not?
BRIX: Well, yeah, but…
FLOYD: Then it’s settled! I keep the boots!
BRIX: Oh, brother.
OAK stops what he is doing.
OAK: Shh! I hear something!
CHRIS TENNISON: Of course. Proclaimer forbid we should enjoy our payout.
EVERYONE hides. BROTHER ELLIOTT enters accompanied by twelve green-skinned HUMANOIDS.
ELLIOTT: There. Tell your master my debt is paid in full. There is enough money down here to finance whatever wars you wish to begin.
VIRGIL pops up from his hiding spot.
VIRGIL: Elliott?
ELLIOTT is surprised to see VIRGIL, to say the least.
ELLIOTT: Oh! Hello, Virgil.
VIRGIL: What the hell are you doing here
ELLIOTT: I was about to ask you the same thing.
VIRGIL: You first.
ELLIOTT: I just came to get my treasure.
VIRGIL: Your treasure?
GUY reveals himself.
GUY: Yeah, I hate to break it to you, Elliott…
ELLIOTT: Oh, good, there are more of you…
GUY: But this is our treasure now.
ELLIOTT: My dear boy. Are you suggesting that you’d be willing to fight for it?
GUY: You’re damn right we are, and…
OAK and LIAM rush up to GUY and pull him back.
OAK: Pay no attention to him. He’s a little hard-headed about these things.
ELLIOTT: I know.
VIRGIL: On the other hand, we did defeat the hydra in the last room, so I think we’re entitled to a cut, at least.
ELLIOTT: Do you, now?
FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON come out of hiding.
FLOYD: Elliott, come on. Be reasonable.
ELLIOTT: Is that you talking, or the hat?
FLOYD: What do you know about the hat?
ELLIOTT: It makes a gnome wiser just for wearing it.
FLOYD: Oh. Then you should really listen to me.
ELLIOTT: I suppose. Fine. Take what you can carry and get out. The rest is mine.
VIRGIL: You can offer us a better deal than that –
ELLIOTT’s eyes begin to glow with the power of his magic.
ELLIOTT: Do not test me. Grab what you can and go. Now.
FLOYD turns to the audience.
FLOYD: And that’s what we did. Sure, it was hard giving up that treasure, but it would’ve been a lot harder than trying to get it all out of there with no legs.
Treasure cavern flies out and is replaced by the outskirts of the canyon. OAK’s mule and wagon are now loaded up with stuff.
OAK: Well, that’s as much money as I can carry.
GUY: Yeah, and we got some good stuff, too. I got these boots to make me faster. Floyd, you got the hat, those teleporting boots, and those gloves.
VIRGIL: I got some magic arrows.
BRIX: And I have Svarth.
VIRGIL: Yep. So you guys take your wagon full of gold, and I’ll take the mule, and we’ll call it a day.
OAK: Excuse me – what?
VIRGIL: You take your wagon full of the gold we found for you, and I will take the mule, and we can call it even.
OAK: I don’t think so. That’s my mule.
VIRGIL: That’s not what his label says.
OAK: What are you talking about?
OAK turns the mule around. There is a big label on it that says “Property of Virgil.”
Aw, man!
VIRGIL: You can’t dispute the authority of the label.
FLOYD: He’s got you there.
BRIX: No, he doesn’t! Virgil, that mule does not belong to you.
VIRGIL: Who’s side are you on, Brix?
BRIX: I’m on the side of the one true God, Virgil.
VIRGIL: That guy is always harshing my gig!
GUY: Let it go, Virgil.
VIRGIL: Fine. But I tell you this now – someday, as your one true God is my witness, I will get a mode of transportation!
FLOYD: (to the audience) And he did, too, but that’s a story for another time.
CHRIS TENNISON: Bye, Oak! Bye, Liam!
OAK: See you guys around!
OAK and LIAM hop in their wagon and ride off.
GUY: Well, where to now?
VIRGIL: Somewhere within walking distance, I guess.
BRIX: You know, seeing Elliott got me to thinking – shouldn’t we check out the Tower of the Broken Moon? Virgil, he told you the Eye of Toth was still in there.
FLOYD: Yeah, probably in that Necromancers tower at the top.
GUY: What Necromancer’s tower at the top?
FLOYD: While you guys were fighting that big ass zombie, remember?
VIRGIL: You told us there was nothing up there!
FLOYD: I told you nothing of value was up there.
GUY: What do you think the Eye of Toth is, Floyd?
FLOYD: A big, gross, evil eye?
GUY: And that’s not valuable?
FLOYD: Do you know anyone who will give you money for it? Do you?
BRIX: I think you’re misinterpreting the idea of value, Floyd.
FLOYD: Yeah. I’m the one misinterpreting it.
GUY: Let’s go.
The party exits, except for FLOYD.
FLOYD: So, it was off to the Tower of the Broken Moon again, just on the outskirts of Dreia. You’re gonna have to trust me when I tell you nothing interesting happened when we went to get the Eye. However, since we went to the trouble of building a Necromancer’s Tower set…
B-STAGE opens. VIRGIL and CHRIS TENNISON are in the Necromancer’s chamber in the Tower of the Broken Moon from Part II, Act II. VIRGIL holds the Eye of Toth, a black, pulsating sphere, aloft.
CHRIS TENNISON: Cool! The Eye of Toth!
B-STAGE closes.
FLOYD: There. Happy? Anyway, things only got interesting once we took the Eye to Garam’s house.
Plains fly out. Interior of GARAM’s house flies in. GARAM sits in his chair; SALLY stands next to him. VIRGIL, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY are presenting the Eye of Toth to GARAM. FLOYD joins them.
GARAM: The Eye of Toth, huh?
BRIX: You betcha.
GARAM takes the Eye, looks at it, then passes it to SALLY.
GARAM: Here, Sally, take a… look.
VIRGIL: Ooh! Faux Pas!
SALLY takes the Eye and sticks it in her empty eye socket. Suddenly, a second all-black eye regenerates in her head.
GARAM: Uh-oh.
SALLY: Hey, I can see!
GUY: Son of a –
BRIX: That doesn’t look good!
GUY: Detect Evil!
FLOYD (to the audience) Remember how Guy can detect evil auras? I know, I know, it’s a long puppet show.
GUY: Well, she doesn’t seem to be evil… but the Eye sure as shit is.
SALLY: What? Shut up? No, you are!
BRIX: Sally? Who are you talking to?
SALLY: The Eye.
GUY: The Eye is talking to you?
GARAM: What does it say?
SALLY: It says to avoid The Horned King, The Harvester…
CHRIS TENNISON: Well, duh.
SALLY: … the man in the black cloak, and the red-skin man who lives with Zarin.
VIRGIL: Hold the fuck. I don’t know who those last two people are.
FLOYD: Can the Eye elaborate?
SALLY: Sorry. That’s all it will say.
BRIX: Avoid The Horned King…
VIRGIL: From the Wild Hunt. Remember?
BRIX: The Harvester…
GUY: No problem there, at least for a while.
BRIX: The man in the black cloak, and the red-skin man who lives with Zarin. Linus?
GUY: Who’s Linus?
BRIX: When we were prisoners in the Cathedral in Compassgate, Zarin said his name was Linus. Is that the red-skin man?
FLOYD: Oof. So many questions.
VIRGIL: Yeah. Can we talk about this further over a drink?
GUY: Sounds good. See you around, Garam.
GARAM: So wait, what? You’re just going to leave me alone with the black-eyed pea, here?
GUY: Dude, she’s not evil.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah, Garam. Lighten up. You’re a big boy… hm. No, that doesn’t sound right. You’re a grown mah… no, no. You’re an adult.
VIRGIL: If she starts acting up, just fireball her evil ass.
SALLY: Hey!
VIRGIL: Sorry, kid. Them’s the breaks when you wear the Eye of Toth.
The party exits. GARAM’s house flies out, and the exterior of the Jolly Badger Inn in Dreia flies in. The party enters.
BRIX: Times to get me some drunk!
BRIX and GUY enter the tavern. As they open the door, we hear:
SINGER:
Sings:
Unless your sword’s for piercing
In which case
You’re shit out of luck.
The door shuts.
FLOYD: Hey.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, I love that song!
CHRIS TENNISON enters the bar. FLOYD and VIRGIL follow. As they do, the exterior wall of the Badger flies out, revealing the interior. On stage, a GNOME is singing.
MITCHELL:
Sings:
Kukris, sickles, and greataxes
They all can have some fun –
But if you’re the sap who’s carrying a sap
Then you’re going to have none!
MITCHELL continues singing, under. Spoken:
FLOYD: Well, well, well! A cover! That’s a sign that you’ve made it big!
GUY: What are you talking about? A cover of what?
FLOYD: Seriously?
GUY shrugs.
Guy, that’s my song, “Zombie Shit That I Can’t Hit!” This guy is playing my song – that’s a big deal! It means I’m a famous songwriter!
GUY: You wrote this song?
FLOYD: Don’t you remember? I sang it the first time we fought those zombies at the Tower of the Broken Moon?
GUY: Floyd, I have a confession to make. When you sing, I tend to black out and go somewhere I call my “happy place.” It’s a place where I can chop fat, dandy gnomes like you into chum. I really love it there.
GUY walks away. MITCHELL finishes the song.
MITCHELL
Sings:
You’re shit out of luck!
Button. Spoken:
Thank you, thank you! That was “Zombie Shit That I Can’t Hit,” an original composition by me, Mitchell, Licensed Bard!
FLOYD: Who the what?
MITCHELL: I’m gonna take a short break now, but I’ll be back shortly with another one of the songs I totally wrote by myself and didn’t steal from anyone, “Take a Potion Why Don’tcha?”
Light applause as MITCHELL walks offstage and exits the inn. The exterior of the Badger flies in. MITCHELL stands outside, and lights his pipe. FLOYD enters.
FLOYD: Hey, I really enjoyed that last song.
MITCHELL: Thanks. I totally wrote it.
FLOYD: I bet I’m gonna enjoy the next one even more.
MITCHELL: Yeah?
FLOYD: Yeah.
MITCHELL: Really?
FLOYD: Really.
MITCHELL: What makes you say that?
FLOYD: Well, as it turns out, it’s because I WROTE BOTH OF THEM!
Pause.
MITCHELL: You’re crazy.
FLOYD: You sir, are a degenerate song thief!
MITCHELL: Prove it!
FLOYD: Oh, I’ll prove it, all right! Let’s break this down, musical dialogue style!
Sings:
You’re a song thief, Mitchell!
MITCHELL:
Am not!
FLOYD:Yes you are, yes you are you’re a
Dirty
Song thief
And I’ll prove it to you.
MITCHELL:Prove it!
FLOYD:
Pick a title, any title in your
Dirty, thieving song book,
And I’ll up and sing it to you!
MITCHELL:Fine!
FLOYD:Fine!
MITCHELL:
Yeah, you heard me, that’s fine!
I’m gonna pick,
Gonna pick a song title right now!
FLOYD:I’m standing here waiting!
MITCHELL:
I see that you are!
Relax, take a pill –
Let’s see if you know the lyrics
To “Fuck the Old Mill!”
FLOYD:
Fuck the Old Mill,
Fuck the Old Mill,
Fuck the Old Mill It’s HAUNTED –
MITCHELL:Okay, never mind,
I can see that you know the easy ones.
Everyone knows “Fuck the Old Mill,”
It’s my most famous song!
FLOYD:
MY most famous song!
MITCHELL:
Yeah,
You Keep saying that
But I don’t see you proving it!
FLOYD:Name another song,
God-damn you.
MITCHELL:
When I was a lad,
I ran afoul of a constable,
His name was Drooley,
And of him I once wrote –
FLOYD:
They call him Sheriff Drooley,
That buffoon Sheriff Drooley,
The idiot of Verl’s Crook and beyond –
MITCHELL:
See! Just goes to show
How wrong,
I said how wrong you really are!
FLOYD:
What
The
Fuck
Are you talking about?
MITCHELL:
Sheriff Drooley,
He’s a Marshall now!
He’s the Lord Marshall of
The city of Compassgate!
FLOYD:
Come over here
I want to smack you
In the mouth.
MITCHELL:
No!
FLOYD:
Simultaneous with MITCHELL, below:
You’re a song thief!
A dirty, filthy plagiarist!
And I’m gonna kill you!
Gonna grind your bones
With my teeth!
I’m gonna kill you in half!
Gonna take my rapier out
And stab, stab, stab!
Then I’m gonna take my fist
And punch you in the mouth!
MITCHELL:
Simultaneous with FLOYD, above:
This young gnome
has clearly gone mad!
'Tis truly a pity
Look at all
the potential that he had!
He's got granderous delusions!
he thinks he's a mighty fellow!
But I'm about to prove to him
gonna show him the power
of Code Duelo!
Button. Spoken:
FLOYD: Duelo?
MITCHELL: Surely, you’ve heard of Code Duelo. What kind of bard hasn’t?
FLOYD: I’m… still a wandering minstrel.
MITCHEL (delighted) Oh, that is CUTE!
GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON come outside.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, Mitchell, come back inside and play some more of those awesome songs.
MITCHELL: In a minute. First, I have to teach this milksop a lesson!
CHRIS TENNISON: Floyd?
GUY: Floyd Fiftynames. What did you do to this man?
FLOYD: This sumbitch stole my songs. He’s not getting away with it.
BRIX: Anyone want some popcorn?
VIRGIL: Ooh, me!
BRIX exits back into the bar.
FLOYD: So how does this work?
MITCHELL: Stand back to back with me.
FLOYD: (as he does) Okay…
MITCHELL: Then we take five paces, turn, and attack.
FLOYD: Sounds good.
FLOYD starts to walk.
One…
MITCHELL turns around and casts.
MITCHELL: Boom!
An energy blast knocks FLOYD over, unconscious. BRIX enters with popcorn, sees what has transpired.
BRIX: Aw, dag! Every time there’s supposed to be really good fight, it ends up being over early.
MITCHELL stands over FLOYD’s body.
MITCHELL: According to Code Duelo, I now get to choose one item from the person of the individual I have defeated. Bear witness.
VIRGIL: Now, hold the fuck on. Beating that gnome senseless by cheating is one thing, but stealing his stuff? That I can’t condone.
MITCHELL: You plan to stop me?
GUY: We all do.
GUY draws his axe. BRIX pulls out SVARTH. CHRIS TENNISON shrugs.
MITCHELL: Fine. Tell your little friend when he wakes up that due to this injustice I will see that he is forever barred from being a bard! (thinks that last sentence over) Yes, that’s right.
MITCHELL exits back into the bar.
GUY: Licensed bard? They can give you a license for what those two do?
END OF ACT I
Act I
Curtain up on the outskirts of Scar Canyon, a large ravine just south of the Shield Splitter Inn. Noises off precede the entrances of BRIX, GUY, and CHRIS TENNISON, followed by a terse VIRGIL, from left. They trudge on a bit before VIRGIL stops suddenly.
VIRGIL: Lo! I have traveled these lands for almost a year now, and the only time I came across a horse, I had to steal it! Every stable, farm, city, tavern, inn, and charming bodega we have stopped at have been fresh out of steeds, mounts, and anything else with hooves or wings that are available for riding. Finally, when we fight the biggest battle of our lives only to watch a key villain escape on what turns out to be his own personal black riding DRAGON, some wet-behind-the-ears RANGER shows up with his very own mule and wagon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey Virgil, aren’t you a ranger, too?
VIRGIL: SONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKERDAMMIT!
The group continues on, wearily exiting right, followed by OAK driving his mule and wagon, with LIAM and FLOYD sitting in the back of the wagon. LIAM is picking at a lute, and FLOYD is playing is pipe. After a few bars of instrumental music, FLOYD sings:
FLOYD:
Sings:
A horse is a horse
Of course, of course
But no one can purchase a horse
Of course
Unless the broker that deals that horse
Is named Doogal!
So find you a man by the name
Of Ga-ruth
You can hang out in inns or
Hire a slueth
He works for Doogal and he is a man
Who knows of the truth!
And so if you’re tired
Of travel on foot
Your boots are all muddy
And covered in soot
Ask Ga-ruth why Doogal would want every horse
If not for the loot!
Instrumental break
LIAM: A horse is a horse
FLOYD: Of course, of course
LIAM: But no one can purchase a horse
FLOYD: Of course
LIAM: Unless the broker who deals that horse
FLOYD & LIAM: Is named Doogal!
Button. VIRGIL re-enters from right. He approaches the wagon, takes LIAM’s lute, and smashes it to pieces. FLOYD quickly makes his pipe disappear. He turns to the audience.
FLOYD: Hi folks, Floyd Fiftynames here, riding in style across the plains of the old Twilight Lands. We’re headed up north to Scar Canyon to find the handle of Svarth, the second piece of a weapon that Brixmore’s in possession of. With the upcoming confrontation we’re bound to have with the Harvester looming, we figured we should try to get our weapons and gear up to speed. Oak had heard tales of this place that coincided with legends and rumors that Brixmore heard, so here we are.
OAK: Here we are!
FLOYD: I just said that.
The wagon pulls up to the edge of the canyon, where BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY are waiting. FLOYD, LIAM, and OAK hop off of the wagon, and VIRGIL follows. CHRIS TENNISON is reading a brochure with a picture of the canyon on it.
BRIXMORE: Scar Canyon.
CHRIS TENNISON: Says here that Scar Canyon is the Canyon-iest place on earth!
GUY: What does that mean?
CHRIS TENNISON shrugs.
OAK: Shall we descend?
OAK starts down the canyon, followed by LIAM, and soon after, BRIXMORE, GUY and CHRIS TENNISON, still reading the brochure. As FLOYD starts down, VIRGIL watches him go, then reaches into his backpack and pulls out a label.
VIRGIL: Heh-heh-hee!
VIRGIL slaps the label on the upstage side of the mule (so we can’t see it). Suddenly, FLOYD pops back up.
FLOYD: Virgil!
VIRGIL: Hm? What?
FLOYD: You coming or what?
VIRGIL: Yeah, yeah… I’m on my way.
FLOYD: Good. Chris Tennison’s reading some more boring shit from that brochure!
FLOYD disappears down the canyon. VIRGIL follows.
A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens up to reveal a crevice in the canyon. The bones of a dead ADVENTURER lay impaled on a jagged rock, its clothes torn to rags, some of its gear scattered about. OAK, LIAM, GUY, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON enter.
CHRIS TENNISON: (reading) …taking over one thousand orc day laborers nearly eight months to dig the trenches. Wow!
FLOYD enters, followed by VIRGIL.
GUY: Hey, Virgil. What took you so long?
VIRGIL: Nothing… the sunset was magnificent… it’s eleven a.m., …. what took you so long? Shut up!
LIAM: Whoa there!
LIAM stops short in front of the skeleton.
CHRIS TENNISON: Cool! An animatronic skeleton! Maybe it can tell us about the mysteries of Scar Canyon!
GUY: Shut up. Search that corpse’s things.
VIRGIL and LIAM go through the ADVENTURER’s backpack. FLOYD rifles through its pockets, finds a platinum pieces, surreptitiously slips it into his hat. LIAM comes up with a note.
LIAM: Bingo! Correspondence.
GUY: What does it say?
LIAM: “Dear Expendable Adventurer, your job is discover the secret of Scar Canyon-“
CHRIS TENNISON: -Cool!-
LIAM: “-watch your step, those jagged rocks are mighty sharp.”
BRIX: The poor, illiterate bastard.
GUY: Is it signed?
LIAM: Yep – “Sincerely, Doogal.”
CHORD.
GUY: Again? Boy, we’re gonna have to meet Doogal one of these days.
VIRGIL: Does he say anything about horses in there?
GUY: Why would he say anything about –
LIAM: As a matter of fact, he does. “P.s., it is extremely important that you discover the secret of Scar Canyon because all of the horses I was buying died of the pestilence due to the wretched, filthy conditions I kept them in. Ah, well. C’est la vie, so say the D.” I assume the “D” is for Doogal.
CHORD. VIRGIL drops to his knees and shouts to the sky.
VIRGIL: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rumble from above.
OAK: Please tell me you just started an avalanche.
Tiny rocks begin to fall from above. They slowly get bigger.
BRIX: Run!
Exeunt!
B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens to reveal the base of the canyon. Seven TROGLODYTES surround an idol, worshipping it.
TROGS: Malrotic, Malrotic, Malrotic…
BRIX, VIRGIL, GUY, CHRIS TENNISON, LIAM, and OAK enter, unseen by the TROGLODYTES.
OAK: Phew! That was close.
VIRGIL: Shh! That’s Draconic!
LIAM: The language?
VIRGIL: No, the cologne. Yes, the language!
OAK: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to my friend like that.
VIRGIL: And I’d appreciate it if you’d get off my back, you mule-hoarding son of a bitch!
The TROGS stop chanting, and turn and look at the assembled party.
That last part was a little loud, wasn’t it?
GUY: You might say that.
BRIX: Has anyone seen Floyd?
The TROGS grab spears and clubs.
CHRIS TENNISON: Beans!
LIAM: Run!
But it is too late. A fight breaks out between the party and the TROGS.
B-STAGE opens on a room filled with loot and a sleeping hydra. FLOYD enters.
FLOYD: (whispers) Sweet.
FLOYD begins scooping up treasure into his hat. On the other side of the stage, the others have defeated the TROGLODYTES. They cheer and exit. A-STAGE closes. From off, we hear:
CHRIS TENNISON: Floyd! Hey, there he is!
FLOYD’s eyes bug out. He rushes to the door as CHRIS TENNISON enters.
Floyd, we beat down a bunch of troglodytes! Where were you?
The HYDRA awakes.
Oh. There wasn’t anything about that in the brochure.
FLOYD: I wrote the brochure.
CHRIS TENNISON: What? But I found it at the edge of Scar Canyon.
FLOYD: I know. I snuck ahead the night before and placed it there. I haven’t slept in two days.
CHRIS TENNISON: Touche.
GUY, BRIX, VIRGIL, LIAM, and OAK enter behind CHRIS TENNISON.
BRIX: A hydra!
The party fights the HYDRA. GUY chops off one of its heads.
OAK: You might not want to do that!
GUY: Why not?
The HYDRA grows back two heads where the one was chopped off.
OAK: Does that answer your question?
More fighting. At last, the HYDRA is felled.
BRIX: Nice pile of loot you happened upon here, Floyd.
FLOYD: Only the best to share with my party! (to himself) Dirty moochers.
The gang begins to grab up gold and treasure. As they do so, BRIX discovers a secret door.
BRIX: Cool! Secret door!
GUY, BRIX, and LIAM moves the stone in front of the door.
VIRGIL: It’s a tunnel (sniffs) and by the smell of it, it’s been sealed up for a very long time.
BRIX: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go exploring!
The group exits into the tunnel. B-STAGE closes.
A-STAGE opens, revealing a massive chamber chock FULL of goodies. A massive hydra skeleton with sixty heads rests on top. A carving on the wall in a strange language spans the back of the stage. The party enters, and stops short as they behold the treasure.
GUY: Hell, yes! Jackpot!
CHRIS TENNISON: Whoo-hoo!
FLOYD: Payday!
The party runs around, looking at items. FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON stop as FLOYD pulls a pair of boots, a hat, and a pair of gloves out of the pile.
Nifty!
FLOYD tries on the hat.
CHRIS TENNISON: Feel any different?
FLOYD: I do, Chris Tennison. A little older, a little wiser.
CHRIS TENNISON: Good for you.
FLOYD: Yeah. Pull my finger.
CHRIS TENNISON pulls FLOYD’s finger. FLOYD farts, and the two laugh like idiots. Meanwhile, BRIX and LIAM encounter an impressive looking handle.
BRIX: Here it is! The handle of Svarth!
LIAM: What does it do?
BRIX: On its own, nothing, but when I combine it with the hammer…
BRIX puts the hammer and handle together. Musical Chord.
SVARTH: Behold Svarth!
BRIX: Oh, yeah!
GUY and VIRGIL approach the writing on the wall.
GUY: This makes my head hurt.
VIRGIL: Of course it does. It’s the written word.
GUY: Shut up. What does it say?
VIRGIL: Comprehend Languages!
VIRGIL casts.
Hmm… it appears to be Illithid in nature. It reads, “Lord of the 6th Circle of Cthon.”
GUY: That sounds ominous as shit.
VIRGIL: Yeah, it do.
FLOYD puts on the boots.
FLOYD: Hmm…
FLOYD clicks his heels. Instantly he is transported 40 feet across the room.
Titties!
BRIX: Floyd, that looks a might dangerous.
FLOYD: Yes, it does. I promise I’ll only use these in an extreme emergency.
BRIX: That’s not what I meant. Maybe you should not be wearing those.
FLOYD: But… these boots are extremely fly, are they not?
BRIX: Well, yeah, but…
FLOYD: Then it’s settled! I keep the boots!
BRIX: Oh, brother.
OAK stops what he is doing.
OAK: Shh! I hear something!
CHRIS TENNISON: Of course. Proclaimer forbid we should enjoy our payout.
EVERYONE hides. BROTHER ELLIOTT enters accompanied by twelve green-skinned HUMANOIDS.
ELLIOTT: There. Tell your master my debt is paid in full. There is enough money down here to finance whatever wars you wish to begin.
VIRGIL pops up from his hiding spot.
VIRGIL: Elliott?
ELLIOTT is surprised to see VIRGIL, to say the least.
ELLIOTT: Oh! Hello, Virgil.
VIRGIL: What the hell are you doing here
ELLIOTT: I was about to ask you the same thing.
VIRGIL: You first.
ELLIOTT: I just came to get my treasure.
VIRGIL: Your treasure?
GUY reveals himself.
GUY: Yeah, I hate to break it to you, Elliott…
ELLIOTT: Oh, good, there are more of you…
GUY: But this is our treasure now.
ELLIOTT: My dear boy. Are you suggesting that you’d be willing to fight for it?
GUY: You’re damn right we are, and…
OAK and LIAM rush up to GUY and pull him back.
OAK: Pay no attention to him. He’s a little hard-headed about these things.
ELLIOTT: I know.
VIRGIL: On the other hand, we did defeat the hydra in the last room, so I think we’re entitled to a cut, at least.
ELLIOTT: Do you, now?
FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON come out of hiding.
FLOYD: Elliott, come on. Be reasonable.
ELLIOTT: Is that you talking, or the hat?
FLOYD: What do you know about the hat?
ELLIOTT: It makes a gnome wiser just for wearing it.
FLOYD: Oh. Then you should really listen to me.
ELLIOTT: I suppose. Fine. Take what you can carry and get out. The rest is mine.
VIRGIL: You can offer us a better deal than that –
ELLIOTT’s eyes begin to glow with the power of his magic.
ELLIOTT: Do not test me. Grab what you can and go. Now.
FLOYD turns to the audience.
FLOYD: And that’s what we did. Sure, it was hard giving up that treasure, but it would’ve been a lot harder than trying to get it all out of there with no legs.
Treasure cavern flies out and is replaced by the outskirts of the canyon. OAK’s mule and wagon are now loaded up with stuff.
OAK: Well, that’s as much money as I can carry.
GUY: Yeah, and we got some good stuff, too. I got these boots to make me faster. Floyd, you got the hat, those teleporting boots, and those gloves.
VIRGIL: I got some magic arrows.
BRIX: And I have Svarth.
VIRGIL: Yep. So you guys take your wagon full of gold, and I’ll take the mule, and we’ll call it a day.
OAK: Excuse me – what?
VIRGIL: You take your wagon full of the gold we found for you, and I will take the mule, and we can call it even.
OAK: I don’t think so. That’s my mule.
VIRGIL: That’s not what his label says.
OAK: What are you talking about?
OAK turns the mule around. There is a big label on it that says “Property of Virgil.”
Aw, man!
VIRGIL: You can’t dispute the authority of the label.
FLOYD: He’s got you there.
BRIX: No, he doesn’t! Virgil, that mule does not belong to you.
VIRGIL: Who’s side are you on, Brix?
BRIX: I’m on the side of the one true God, Virgil.
VIRGIL: That guy is always harshing my gig!
GUY: Let it go, Virgil.
VIRGIL: Fine. But I tell you this now – someday, as your one true God is my witness, I will get a mode of transportation!
FLOYD: (to the audience) And he did, too, but that’s a story for another time.
CHRIS TENNISON: Bye, Oak! Bye, Liam!
OAK: See you guys around!
OAK and LIAM hop in their wagon and ride off.
GUY: Well, where to now?
VIRGIL: Somewhere within walking distance, I guess.
BRIX: You know, seeing Elliott got me to thinking – shouldn’t we check out the Tower of the Broken Moon? Virgil, he told you the Eye of Toth was still in there.
FLOYD: Yeah, probably in that Necromancers tower at the top.
GUY: What Necromancer’s tower at the top?
FLOYD: While you guys were fighting that big ass zombie, remember?
VIRGIL: You told us there was nothing up there!
FLOYD: I told you nothing of value was up there.
GUY: What do you think the Eye of Toth is, Floyd?
FLOYD: A big, gross, evil eye?
GUY: And that’s not valuable?
FLOYD: Do you know anyone who will give you money for it? Do you?
BRIX: I think you’re misinterpreting the idea of value, Floyd.
FLOYD: Yeah. I’m the one misinterpreting it.
GUY: Let’s go.
The party exits, except for FLOYD.
FLOYD: So, it was off to the Tower of the Broken Moon again, just on the outskirts of Dreia. You’re gonna have to trust me when I tell you nothing interesting happened when we went to get the Eye. However, since we went to the trouble of building a Necromancer’s Tower set…
B-STAGE opens. VIRGIL and CHRIS TENNISON are in the Necromancer’s chamber in the Tower of the Broken Moon from Part II, Act II. VIRGIL holds the Eye of Toth, a black, pulsating sphere, aloft.
CHRIS TENNISON: Cool! The Eye of Toth!
B-STAGE closes.
FLOYD: There. Happy? Anyway, things only got interesting once we took the Eye to Garam’s house.
Plains fly out. Interior of GARAM’s house flies in. GARAM sits in his chair; SALLY stands next to him. VIRGIL, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY are presenting the Eye of Toth to GARAM. FLOYD joins them.
GARAM: The Eye of Toth, huh?
BRIX: You betcha.
GARAM takes the Eye, looks at it, then passes it to SALLY.
GARAM: Here, Sally, take a… look.
VIRGIL: Ooh! Faux Pas!
SALLY takes the Eye and sticks it in her empty eye socket. Suddenly, a second all-black eye regenerates in her head.
GARAM: Uh-oh.
SALLY: Hey, I can see!
GUY: Son of a –
BRIX: That doesn’t look good!
GUY: Detect Evil!
FLOYD (to the audience) Remember how Guy can detect evil auras? I know, I know, it’s a long puppet show.
GUY: Well, she doesn’t seem to be evil… but the Eye sure as shit is.
SALLY: What? Shut up? No, you are!
BRIX: Sally? Who are you talking to?
SALLY: The Eye.
GUY: The Eye is talking to you?
GARAM: What does it say?
SALLY: It says to avoid The Horned King, The Harvester…
CHRIS TENNISON: Well, duh.
SALLY: … the man in the black cloak, and the red-skin man who lives with Zarin.
VIRGIL: Hold the fuck. I don’t know who those last two people are.
FLOYD: Can the Eye elaborate?
SALLY: Sorry. That’s all it will say.
BRIX: Avoid The Horned King…
VIRGIL: From the Wild Hunt. Remember?
BRIX: The Harvester…
GUY: No problem there, at least for a while.
BRIX: The man in the black cloak, and the red-skin man who lives with Zarin. Linus?
GUY: Who’s Linus?
BRIX: When we were prisoners in the Cathedral in Compassgate, Zarin said his name was Linus. Is that the red-skin man?
FLOYD: Oof. So many questions.
VIRGIL: Yeah. Can we talk about this further over a drink?
GUY: Sounds good. See you around, Garam.
GARAM: So wait, what? You’re just going to leave me alone with the black-eyed pea, here?
GUY: Dude, she’s not evil.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah, Garam. Lighten up. You’re a big boy… hm. No, that doesn’t sound right. You’re a grown mah… no, no. You’re an adult.
VIRGIL: If she starts acting up, just fireball her evil ass.
SALLY: Hey!
VIRGIL: Sorry, kid. Them’s the breaks when you wear the Eye of Toth.
The party exits. GARAM’s house flies out, and the exterior of the Jolly Badger Inn in Dreia flies in. The party enters.
BRIX: Times to get me some drunk!
BRIX and GUY enter the tavern. As they open the door, we hear:
SINGER:
Sings:
Unless your sword’s for piercing
In which case
You’re shit out of luck.
The door shuts.
FLOYD: Hey.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, I love that song!
CHRIS TENNISON enters the bar. FLOYD and VIRGIL follow. As they do, the exterior wall of the Badger flies out, revealing the interior. On stage, a GNOME is singing.
MITCHELL:
Sings:
Kukris, sickles, and greataxes
They all can have some fun –
But if you’re the sap who’s carrying a sap
Then you’re going to have none!
MITCHELL continues singing, under. Spoken:
FLOYD: Well, well, well! A cover! That’s a sign that you’ve made it big!
GUY: What are you talking about? A cover of what?
FLOYD: Seriously?
GUY shrugs.
Guy, that’s my song, “Zombie Shit That I Can’t Hit!” This guy is playing my song – that’s a big deal! It means I’m a famous songwriter!
GUY: You wrote this song?
FLOYD: Don’t you remember? I sang it the first time we fought those zombies at the Tower of the Broken Moon?
GUY: Floyd, I have a confession to make. When you sing, I tend to black out and go somewhere I call my “happy place.” It’s a place where I can chop fat, dandy gnomes like you into chum. I really love it there.
GUY walks away. MITCHELL finishes the song.
MITCHELL
Sings:
You’re shit out of luck!
Button. Spoken:
Thank you, thank you! That was “Zombie Shit That I Can’t Hit,” an original composition by me, Mitchell, Licensed Bard!
FLOYD: Who the what?
MITCHELL: I’m gonna take a short break now, but I’ll be back shortly with another one of the songs I totally wrote by myself and didn’t steal from anyone, “Take a Potion Why Don’tcha?”
Light applause as MITCHELL walks offstage and exits the inn. The exterior of the Badger flies in. MITCHELL stands outside, and lights his pipe. FLOYD enters.
FLOYD: Hey, I really enjoyed that last song.
MITCHELL: Thanks. I totally wrote it.
FLOYD: I bet I’m gonna enjoy the next one even more.
MITCHELL: Yeah?
FLOYD: Yeah.
MITCHELL: Really?
FLOYD: Really.
MITCHELL: What makes you say that?
FLOYD: Well, as it turns out, it’s because I WROTE BOTH OF THEM!
Pause.
MITCHELL: You’re crazy.
FLOYD: You sir, are a degenerate song thief!
MITCHELL: Prove it!
FLOYD: Oh, I’ll prove it, all right! Let’s break this down, musical dialogue style!
Sings:
You’re a song thief, Mitchell!
MITCHELL:
Am not!
FLOYD:Yes you are, yes you are you’re a
Dirty
Song thief
And I’ll prove it to you.
MITCHELL:Prove it!
FLOYD:
Pick a title, any title in your
Dirty, thieving song book,
And I’ll up and sing it to you!
MITCHELL:Fine!
FLOYD:Fine!
MITCHELL:
Yeah, you heard me, that’s fine!
I’m gonna pick,
Gonna pick a song title right now!
FLOYD:I’m standing here waiting!
MITCHELL:
I see that you are!
Relax, take a pill –
Let’s see if you know the lyrics
To “Fuck the Old Mill!”
FLOYD:
Fuck the Old Mill,
Fuck the Old Mill,
Fuck the Old Mill It’s HAUNTED –
MITCHELL:Okay, never mind,
I can see that you know the easy ones.
Everyone knows “Fuck the Old Mill,”
It’s my most famous song!
FLOYD:
MY most famous song!
MITCHELL:
Yeah,
You Keep saying that
But I don’t see you proving it!
FLOYD:Name another song,
God-damn you.
MITCHELL:
When I was a lad,
I ran afoul of a constable,
His name was Drooley,
And of him I once wrote –
FLOYD:
They call him Sheriff Drooley,
That buffoon Sheriff Drooley,
The idiot of Verl’s Crook and beyond –
MITCHELL:
See! Just goes to show
How wrong,
I said how wrong you really are!
FLOYD:
What
The
Fuck
Are you talking about?
MITCHELL:
Sheriff Drooley,
He’s a Marshall now!
He’s the Lord Marshall of
The city of Compassgate!
FLOYD:
Come over here
I want to smack you
In the mouth.
MITCHELL:
No!
FLOYD:
Simultaneous with MITCHELL, below:
You’re a song thief!
A dirty, filthy plagiarist!
And I’m gonna kill you!
Gonna grind your bones
With my teeth!
I’m gonna kill you in half!
Gonna take my rapier out
And stab, stab, stab!
Then I’m gonna take my fist
And punch you in the mouth!
MITCHELL:
Simultaneous with FLOYD, above:
This young gnome
has clearly gone mad!
'Tis truly a pity
Look at all
the potential that he had!
He's got granderous delusions!
he thinks he's a mighty fellow!
But I'm about to prove to him
gonna show him the power
of Code Duelo!
Button. Spoken:
FLOYD: Duelo?
MITCHELL: Surely, you’ve heard of Code Duelo. What kind of bard hasn’t?
FLOYD: I’m… still a wandering minstrel.
MITCHEL (delighted) Oh, that is CUTE!
GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON come outside.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, Mitchell, come back inside and play some more of those awesome songs.
MITCHELL: In a minute. First, I have to teach this milksop a lesson!
CHRIS TENNISON: Floyd?
GUY: Floyd Fiftynames. What did you do to this man?
FLOYD: This sumbitch stole my songs. He’s not getting away with it.
BRIX: Anyone want some popcorn?
VIRGIL: Ooh, me!
BRIX exits back into the bar.
FLOYD: So how does this work?
MITCHELL: Stand back to back with me.
FLOYD: (as he does) Okay…
MITCHELL: Then we take five paces, turn, and attack.
FLOYD: Sounds good.
FLOYD starts to walk.
One…
MITCHELL turns around and casts.
MITCHELL: Boom!
An energy blast knocks FLOYD over, unconscious. BRIX enters with popcorn, sees what has transpired.
BRIX: Aw, dag! Every time there’s supposed to be really good fight, it ends up being over early.
MITCHELL stands over FLOYD’s body.
MITCHELL: According to Code Duelo, I now get to choose one item from the person of the individual I have defeated. Bear witness.
VIRGIL: Now, hold the fuck on. Beating that gnome senseless by cheating is one thing, but stealing his stuff? That I can’t condone.
MITCHELL: You plan to stop me?
GUY: We all do.
GUY draws his axe. BRIX pulls out SVARTH. CHRIS TENNISON shrugs.
MITCHELL: Fine. Tell your little friend when he wakes up that due to this injustice I will see that he is forever barred from being a bard! (thinks that last sentence over) Yes, that’s right.
MITCHELL exits back into the bar.
GUY: Licensed bard? They can give you a license for what those two do?
END OF ACT I
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