Session XX (Completed): Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Four: Dealin’ with Doogal
Act IV

Curtain opens on the streets of COMPASSGATE. Citizens walk the streets, which are decorated with garland and ribbon. Wreaths and bells hang from the doors of shopkeepers. A VENDOR with a cauldron on the corner is selling hot beverages. A sign next to him reads – “Nogs, Cider, and Spiced Chocolate!”

Citizen #1 exits a shop, holding the door open for CITIZEN #2.

CITIZEN #1: Happy Yule!
CITIZEN #2: Why, thank you! Same to you!
CITIZEN #1:
Sings
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!

A SHOPKEEP opens his door, as citizens stream in, buying what-nots.

SHOPKEEP:
The spices and the flavors that are wafting down the street
Put a smile on the face of every customer I greet
Who arrive with saved up gold to buy their families a treat
It’s the time of the Yule!

Two LADIES exit the shop with gift bags.

LADIES:
The year has not been kind to us,
We’ve had to pinch and squeeze,
But eating’s over-rated,
And we need to decorate our trees!
VENDOR:
I purcha-sed this sugar for a reasonable price
And when combined with chocolate and season-ed with spice
It produces an aroma that is really rather nice
And indicative of the Yule!
LADY #1:
Spoken:
My husband and I own a sugar farm outside of town. Why didn’t you buy from us?
VENDOR: Imported sugar sells for half of what domestic costs these days, madam!
LADY #1: But now I have no money to buy your wassail!
LADY #2: None of us do!
LADY #1: Whom do you expect will buy your wares?
VENDOR: Wealthy tourists.
LADY #2: Good luck with that.

FLOYD and BRIXMORE enter.

FLOYD: Ooh! Hot drinks! (to the VENDOR) I’ll take a keg of each.
LADY #1: Son of a bitch.
BRIXMORE: Floyd – how do you expect to carry these kegs around?
FLOYD: Carry?

FLOYD pulls out a straw.

BRIXMORE: Never mind.
FLOYD: To our first Yule celebration since leaving the Abbey!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
Compassgate is spending money like they don’t even care,
And everyone else is singing, so I’ll thank you not to stare,
It’s the time of the Yule!
BRIX:
The city is all decorated up in evergreen
It’s a pagan celebration the Proclaimer would demean
And yet a joy-ful-ous occa-sion like I have never seen
It’s the time of the Yule!

CHRIS TENNISON enters.

CHRIS TENNISON:
Look at the crazy deal I got
On these fancy longswords!
The economy’s been left to rot
And I reap the rewards!

GUY and VIRGIL enter.

GUY:
Have you noticed that the streets are free of guard staff and police?
VIRGIL:
Marshall Drooley sent them home to their family and feast
GUY & VIRGIL:
Which leaves the town wide open now for Doogal to come and fleece
FLOYD:
It’s the time of the Yule!
Spoken:
Sorry, that’s the way the verses have to end.
GUY: This is serious business.
CITIZEN #1: Nonsense, young master gnome! The Yule is a season of joy and frivolity. For merry-making, and dancing!
GUY: But what if – and just go with me on this – someone were to attack your city today?
CITIZEN #1: Well, we would overwhelm them –
GUY: All right.
CITIZEN #1: With good cheer!
GUY: God-dammit.
CITIZEN #1:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!

MARSHALL DROOLEY enters, drunk, riding a broom dressed as a donkey.

DROOLEY:
Good Yule, all! Let us put on a parade
We can ride atop these new mounts that I have made
And afterwards at my place everyone’s gonna get laid
‘Cause it’s time for the Yule!

DROOLEY exits into the courthouse.

VIRGIL:
They’re sitting ducks for Doogal’s gang,
Don’t you think so, Guy?
How do we rescue Compassgate?
GUY:
We could just let them die.

Spoken:

VIRGIL: That doesn’t take care of the Doogal problem.
GUY: It sure as hell takes care of the Drooley problem. (Off VIRGIL’s look) Okay, okay, how about this? When Doogal marches into Compassgate, he’s gonna go straight for the courthouse to set up operations, right? Let’s go in there and wait for him.
FLOYD: Can you guys help me carry my wassail in?
GUY: No, but I’ll do the next best thing.
Sings:
Good citizens of Compassgate, you know my brother Floyd,
Well, receive the overwhelming generosity he’s deployed
If you do not drink his wassail he is sure to get annoyed
Come celebrate the Yule!

A crowd gathers around FLOYD and his barrels. They enjoy heaping ladles of his beverages.

CROWD:
Three cheers for Floyd, Hip Hip, hooray,
he’s truly made our day
we take back all those things we said
about you being super gay!

Spoken:

GUY: Still need help?

FLOYD looks at his empty barrels.

FLOYD: Nope, you took care of it.
GUY: Good. Let’s go to the courthouse.

GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, CHRIS TENNISON, and BRIXMORE exit into the courthouse.

CROWD:
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho, can you feel it in the air?
An annual occasion that’s so special ‘cause it’s rare?
A very special season that each and everyone can share,
It’s the time of the Yule!

Button. Exeunt. The street flies out, showing the courthouse behind it. GUY, FLOYD, VIRGIL, BRIXMORE, and CHRIS TENNISON enter. From opposite, the JUDGE enters.

JUDGE:
Sings:
I’m the judge, I’m the judge –
VIRGIL:
Spoken:
Not now.

The JUDGE exits haughtily. A RECEPTIONIST enters.

RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you?
VIRGIL: We’re here to see Drooley.
RECEPTIONIST: Marshall Drooley is sleeping in his office right now, and I’m afraid he’s not seeing visitors.
GUY: Floyd.

FLOYD produces his pipe.

FLOYD: Here’s a little tune you’re sure to find “fascinating.”
GUY: Just play.

FLOYD starts to play an arpeggio on his pipe, but instead of music, the pipe produces a magic bubble. The bubble bursts and a BROWNIE appears.

BROWNIE:
Sings:
Now Mitchell authored this song,
But you can claim you wrote this one too,
In fact scream it out into to the world
Until you’re black and blue

Truth is no one will believe you
Because anyone can see,
You’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.

Your fencing is pathetic,
Your songs are really bad,
And those fifty names just means you are
fifty times as sad.

An embarrassment to Gnomes,
And a bard you’ll never be.
‘Cause you’ll never be a songsmith
Even half as good as me.

Now Floyd has no honor,
Code Duello he did break,
I bested him (and could again),
But no Item could I take.

How can you look in the mirror,
At a face so cowardly,
And you’ll never be a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.

Your friends are uncouth ruffians,
Hired thugs the whole lot,
It’s just a matter of time before your party,
Is beheaded hung or shot.

And I hope I’m there to see it,
Just to remind you for posterity,
That you never were a songsmith,
Even half as good as me.

Button. Spoken:

This concludes the requirements of my Geas. Peace out!

The BROWNIE disappears with a *POP!*

CHRIS TENNISON: It’s a Yule Time miracle!
BRIX: Wow.
FLOYD: You’re telling me. Mitchell used a geas to force that little man to write a song and pretend that Mitchell wrote it, then sing it to me.

GUY turns his attention to the RECEPTIONIST.

GUY: Look, just let us through, okay?
RECEPTIONIST: I don’t think so.
GUY: Rage…building…
VIRGIL: Lady, do you have any combat training?
RECEPTIONIST: Not as such, no.
VIRGIL: Then you might want to move. That gnome has killed people less defenseless than you for dumber reasons than this.

DROOLEY enters.

DROOLEY: Why is it so noisy out here? What’s going on?

GUY cuts DROOLEY in half.

VIRGIL: Guy! God –

HORNS from outside.

BRIX: That sounds like our cue, lads.
CHRIS TENNISON: Let’s go stop the invasion.

Exeunt all but VIRGIL.

VIRGIL: - Damn.

The streets of Compassgate fly back in. The party enters from the courthouse, meeting CITIZEN #1 on their way.

BRIX: Citizen #1 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #1: My name is Roger.

An arrow flies in and lands in CITIZEN #1’s heart. He falls over, dead. CITIZEN #2 enters.

CITIZEN #2: Roger!
BRIX: Citizen #2 – what’s going on?
CITIZEN #2: There’s a whole army invading – Lizardfolk, kobolds, giants, and more! All of our guards are on leave for the holiday – we’re defenseless!

A third CITIZEN enters.

CITIZEN #3: But we’re in luck! An army led by the hero Doogal has come out to challenge the evil forces for the city!
CITIZEN #2: Hooray!

The two LADIES enter.

LADY #2: Doogal has defeated the advancing army! Compassgate is safe!
CITIZEN #3: It’s truly a Yule Time miracle!
Sings:
Oh-ho-ho can you feel it in the air?

Spoken:

GUY: No! Don’t you understand? Doogal is in charge of both armies! This was all a ploy – a ruse to make you believe that he saved you!
LADY #1: Why should we believe you?
FLOYD: Believe me! I gave you all my wassail, did I not?
CITIZEN #2: It’s true! He did!
FLOYD: Well, I’m here to tell you now that Doogal is a bad man – not the kind, benevolent savior you’ve been led to think he is!
LADY #2: Tell us more!
FLOYD:
Sings:
Doogal
Doogal is a bad man
He eats onions and cheese and garlic
And he never washes his hands
Because his name is Doogal
Yeah, they call him Doogal,
The bad, bad man.

Doogal is a bad man
And he won’t respect your dad –
If your dad comes to visit you at college
And you’ve got issues concerning your dad;
You want to impress him,
But Doogal won’t help you
That’s why they call him Doogal
Doogal the bad, bad man.

He’ll never help you clean the place
The place that you’ve shared together
For so many years now
And he says you shouldn’t tell them,
But the secret you’ve held so long
About you and Doogal
And his homosex’wal tendencies,
That you know will just hurt his career
Which is why they’ve never known
How he’s licked your taint in the dark –
How Doogal once licked Floyd’s hairy, hairy taint
Because he is gay
And what’s more important when it comes to Doogal,
He’s a bad, bad man.

Once upon a time there was a puppy
Who just wanted to go home to see his family
So he hopped up on his donkey –
Cause that’s what kind of puppy this was,
It was a puppy who worked real hard and got himself a job
With enough money to buy a donkey
And he was riding on the road,
Riding to see his family whom he hadn’t seen
Nigh on in many months,
And Doogal saw this puppy,
And he said, “wha… what’s this?
“What is this puppy doing riding a donkey?”
Cause that’s the kind of guy Doogal was –
It would never occur to him that a puppy,
An adorable 10 week old puppy,
A golden retriever puppy
With fuzzy orange fur and a left ear
That would flap back on occasion,
Exposing the pink ear inside,
I mean, it’s so cute when puppies do that! –
And that’s the kind of puppy I’m talking about,
Yeah, Doogal would never think
That a puppy like this would work sixty hour weeks
At the forge where he works
For a drunken, shell of a smithee,
With no family and no friends,
And he expects the puppy back at 9 a.m. sharp
On the day after Yule day
To start working on those orders
And processing, processing
All of those returns
So this puppy ain’t got but a few precious hours
To spend with his family,
And when he’s worked so hard to get this donkey
Only to face this kind of bigotry,
Well, you and I both know that it ain’t right,
But here’s Doogal, pulling that shit,
And Doogal says, “a puppy shouldn’t have a donkey –“
So he takes away that donkey
And he sells that donkey in Larst,
While the puppy starves on the side of the road
And his corpse is used as a necromancer’s lap dog,
Hmmm.

Hmmmmmmm.
Ohhh, the indignity of it all
All because of Doogal,
Doogal the bad, bad man.

Button.

TRUMPETS SOUND, and DOOGAL enters, a Halfling, with an entourage including GRUTH. The crowd erupts in boos and jeers.

DOOGAL:
Spoken:
This is not at all what I expected. Who are you people?
FLOYD: I’m Floyd Fiftynames, acting Marshall of Compassgate.
CITIZEN #3: What happened to Marshall Drooley?
FLOYD: Long story. Anyway, what’s your purpose here, Doogal?
DOOGAL: I just want to talk to the citizens of Compassgate, that’s all.
FLOYD: Well, they don’t want to talk to you, Doogal.
LADY #1: That’s right!
CITIZEN #2: Go home, Doogal!
VENDOR: Would you like to buy some wassail?
DOOGAL: Very well. I’ll just have to take the city by force.

DOOGAL bolts for the courthouse.

FLOYD: Somebody stop him!
LADY #2: You stop him. You’re the acting Marshall.
FLOYD: Oh, yeah. Let’s go!

FLOYD, GUY, and BRIXMORE run to the courthouse door. It’s locked.

BRIX: He locked the door!
FLOYD: Son of a bitch! Can he do that?
GUY: Stand back! I’m gonna break the door down!

GUY backs up to get a running start.

FLOYD: Wait a minute…

FLOYD clicks his heels and disappears. GUY begins running for the door. Just as he is about to reach it, the door opens, and FLOYD steps out.

I can’t believe that worked!

GUY runs headlong into FLOYD.

GUY: Gah!
FLOYD: Ow!

BRIX, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON follow into the courthouse, with Doogal’s MEN close behind. GRUTH, meanwhile, runs off in a different direction.

The street scene flies out, replaced by the courthouse interior. DOOGAL stands at the ready as the party rushes him.

DOOGAL: Dominate person!

VIRGIL stops in his tracks.

Attack those guys!

VIRGIL pulls out his bow and arrow and shoots GUY in the leg.

GUY: What the fuck?

Sees VIRGIL.

Aw, nerds!
BRIX: I’m on it!

BRIX wrestles VIRGIL to the ground. LIAM STRONGBOW enters.

LIAM: Hey guys, what’s up?
CHRIS TENNISON: What are you doing here? Wait. That doesn’t matter. Help us!

LIAM and CHRIS TENNISON engage Doogal’s MEN, including an ELF ASSASSIN who fights with multiple daggers.

GUY and FLOYD approach DOOGAL.

GUY: Do you know how to flank, Floyd?
FLOYD: Uh, gee, Guy, dur… Of course I do!
GUY: Well, get ready!

GUY and FLOYD engage DOOGAL. BRIXMORE, meanwhile, is having a tough time with VIRGIL, but finally manages to throw him to the ground.

BRIX: Dispel!

VIRGIL comes to.

VIRGIL: What just happened?
BRIX: Doogal dominated you with a spell.
FLOYD: I think this cat has bard powers!
GUY: He’s a BARD?

In a rage, GUY cuts DOOGAL down, but DOOGAL disappears through the floor.

What? C’mon!
CHRIS TENNISON: Um… a little help?

The rest of the party comes to the aid of CHRIS TENNISON and LIAM, and they defeat the guards in short order, with VIRGIL delivering the capping blow to the ELF ASSASSIN. LIAM exits.

VIRGIL: Dammit! Doogal got away!
BRIX: But we foiled his plot to take Compassgate.
CHRIS TENNISON: And we may have completely discredited his reputation in Arimathea.
GUY: And I’m pretty sure I killed him.
VIRGIL: But we have no body to show for it. I am unsatisfied and disappointed.

LIAM re-enters, leading six horses.

LIAM: Does this make up for it?

VIRGIL begins weeping with joy.

VIRGIL: It’s a Yule Time miracle!

Everyone hops on their horses.

FLOYD: Anyone know how to ride one of these things?
GUY: We’ll learn. Well, fellas, where to next?
BRIX: I say we go to Larst, to do some religious research on the Harvester –
FLOYD: And warn the hierarchy about Nikolai.
LIAM: There’s a port in Longview where you can book passage on a ship. I can’t go with you, I’m afraid, but I’ll see you all again before too long.
GUY: Well, then, to Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: To Larst!
BRIX: To Larst!
FLOYD: To Larst!
VIRGIL: Horses!

The party rides off into the sunset.

END OF ACT IV
END OF PART IV