Session 4: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part II: Ripening Just in Time for Harvest
ACT I

The Curtain Opens, revealing the Warrior’s Rest. ERIC enters, wearing many bandages, followed by a monk named HIRSUTE.

ERIC: Well, Hirsute, here we are. The Warrior’s Rest. This is where a new chapter in our story begins.
HIRSUTE: Doesn’t look like much to me.
ERIC: Well, appearances can sometimes be deceiving.

GUY enters, with a big axe in his hand and decked out in animal skins.

GUY: Hi, Eric.

BRIXMORE enters. He is wearing shiny armor and wears a huge holy symbol around his neck.

BRIX: Eric! Guy! Good to see you!

VIRGIL enters from behind the shadows of the inn, wearing greens and browns, the epitome of the ranger.

VIRGIL: Hello.

FLOYD enters with a flourish, wearing a waistcoat, fine clothes, and a big, silly purple hat.

FLOYD: Did I miss dinner?
ERIC: On the other hand, sometimes things are exactly as they appear.

Freeze. FLOYD turns out to the audience.

FLOYD: Well, hi there, folks! Floyd Fiftynames here , probably looking a bit more recognizable than the last time you saw me. It’s been two years since the gang has seen each other, except for the rare occasions when our mentors’ paths crossed, but now our time as apprentices have come to a close, and we’ve all come back for a glorious reunion of sorts! Well, kind of. The mystery and intrigue surrounding our birth year has us jonesing to get to the bottom of our purpose in the world, and Eric seems to be off to a good start. He says he’s found Zarin – you remember him, right? Used to live at the Abbey with us, found some swords, pummeled Virgil, and then ran away? And here we are, gathered together to find out what the next step is.
We’ve gone through a lot of changes, as you can see – Brix looks like a bonafide cleric, with that big church symbol adorning his neck, and if you can’t tell what Virgil and Guy have been studying in their time away, well, you just haven’t been away from the farm very much. Eric’s been studying the arcane, and judging from those bandages, he’s had one or two spells go off in his face. As for me, I am a wandering minstrel . Not a full bard yet – I’ll have to go to Illrea in order to take my bard test – but I’m off to a good start. In fact, I’ve written a song in celebration of our reunion.

Sings:

We’ve been a long time gone
And in that time
We’ve lived and learned
But now the time has come
To reunite
And to set out on our own!
Great adventure,
Here we come,
let fame and glory
be our muse
and bring us victory,
though it comes with pain
may fortune rain
and bring us happy days.

The freeze breaks; Spoken:

GUY: Virgil! See my axe?
VIRGIL: Yeah.
GUY: Get used to it. This axe is going to be with me for a long time.
VIRGIL: Regardless of the fact that there are like, a thousand better axes out there?
GUY: Tell that to the edge of my blade. Besides, I’ll get it improved.
VIRGIL: I don’t know, I still think you’re looking at long-shot odds that you’ll have anything for the rest of your life.
GUY: I’ll settle for the rest of yours.
VIRGIL: Big talk for a little man.

GUY and VIRGIL exit into the inn.

BRIX: By the Proclaimer! Eric, you’re in need of some healing.
ERIC: Thanks, Brixmore. I’d be much obliged.
BRIX: How did you get such injuries?
ERIC: Some people around here guard their information carefully. They don’t necessarily appreciate prying eyes in their books.
BRIX: You’re staying on the level, though, right?
ERIC: More or less. A mage’s level is a little more flexible than that plate you’ve got on, there.

BRIX and ERIC exit into the inn.

FLOYD: So, what’s your name?
HIRSUTE: My name is Hirsute. I came from the Abbey where Eric was recovering from his wounds.
FLOYD: Oh. Do we have to tip you?
HIRSUTE: No, I left with him to safeguard him to his destination, and after that, I am free to go wherever I want. I’ve spent all my life in the Abbey, and I want to see more of the world.
FLOYD: Well, why don’t you follow us around for a while? You can be my wing man. You play the drums?
HIRSUTE: No.
FLOYD: Darn. I’d really like to find a drummer to herald my entrances.

FLOYD and HIRSUTE exit into the inn. GOLDSCHMIDDT enters, and begins to turn the set around.

GOLDSCHMIDDT: Of course. Leave it to Goldschmiddt to handle the scene changes.

HE turns the set around. GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, ERIC, HIRSUTE, and FLOYD sit around the center table.

GUY: Goldschmiddt – can we get some drinks?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Sure. Heaven knows I’ve nothing better to do.

GOLDSCHMIDDT exits into the back room.

BRIX: So, Eric – tell us about Zarin.
ERIC: Word’s gotten back to me that Zarin is about a week north from here on foot, in a little town called Dreia. Needless to say, if we’re to get all twelve of the Year of the Ram children together, Zarin’s the one to start with. We already know him, therefore, he should be easier to convince. And the more numbers we have out there searching, the easier we’ll find the others.
GUY: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!
ERIC: Not so fast. You should know that I’m not going with you.
BRIX: Why not?
ERIC: I need to devote myself to more research – about how to increase our connection within Teris’ magic circle, and where to find the others. You guys need to be out on the road doing the actual searching.
GUY: We’ll be stronger with five than we are with four.
FLOYD: Well, then, let’s take Hirsute here along! He told me outside he’s just dying to see the world.
GUY: Hirsute, huh? That’s a ridiculous name.
HIRSUTE: Fine. Then call me MacGuffin.
FLOYD: MacGuffin?
HIRSUTE: It’s a family name.
VIRGIL: That still leaves you without a bodyguard, Eric. And you clearly need one.
GUY: I’ve got an idea about that. Let’s walk and talk.

The gang exits. GOLDSCHMIDDT enters with a tray of drinks.

GOLDSCHMIDDT: Here you go…

Seeing everyone is gone:

And they’re gone. Shouldn’t have expected anything different.

GOLDSCHMIDDT exits as the set flies out, and the Abbey flies in. SAMARID is chained to the wall. GUY, VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, ERIC, and HIRSUTE enter.

GUY: Psst! Samarid!
SAMARID: (still wild) Rawr?
GUY: Hold still now…

GUY slips the choker back onto SAMARID, who immediately regains his senses.

SAMARID: Blessed be! Master Guy! It’s so good to see you again.
FLOYD: Let me work on those chains.

FLOYD begins to pick the locks that bind SAMARID.

SAMARID: You’ve no idea what’s happened here, boys. A new Abbott is in place, and Brother Art has been imprisoned in the Arimathean Cathedral.
VIRGIL: What about this new Abbott?
SAMARID: He’s a puppet.
BRIX: We’re all puppets.
SAMARID: I mean he’s a lackey of Nikolai’s. No good can come of this.

FLOYD gets through the lock.

FLOYD: Boom.
GUY: Come on, let’s get you out of here. We need you to help protect Eric.
SAMARID: Anything’s better than this!

A monk enters. This is BROTHER JARROD.

JARROD: Not so fast!
ERIC: Who are you?
JARROD: The name’s Jarrod. Brother Jarrod. I’m a dickhead.
HIRSUTE: Clearly.
JARROD: I want you to know I’ll be watching you boys. I’m part of a secret organization that does things like that.

Pause.

VIRGIL: And?
JARROD: That’s it. I just thought you should know.
FLOYD: Well, wait to blow your cover there, Jimmy.
JARROD: Jarrod.
FLOYD: I stand by my statement.
HIRSUTE: Later, lame ass.

JARROD and the Abbey fly out as the boys begin walking.

ERIC: All right. Samarid and I are off. We’ll be in touch.
SAMARID: Bye, boys!
BRIX: Bye! We’ll see you in Dreia.
VIRGIL: Now for a peaceful journey to Dreia, free of complications.

Night falls quickly, and a pack of WOLVES and a BARGHEST appear from out of nowhere.

BARGHEST: Barghest!
BOYS: Barghest?!!?
BARGHEST: Barghest.
BOYS: Ahhh!

The gang runs. A bridge comes in.

GUY: Look! A bridge!
BRIX: Cross it, cross it!

As they cross the bridge, it lights up.

VIRGIL: Runes!

A ghost puppet flies in.

GHOST: I am the ghost of a little girl!
FLOYD: Goon!
HIRSUTE: No, girl!
FLOYD: Girl ghost!
GUY: Run!

The BOYS get across the bridge. The GHOST flies out. The WOLVES and BARGHEST get to the edge of the bridge and shake their fists at the boys.

BARGHEST: Barghest!

A MAN with a cart enters.

MAN: You boys look like you’ve just seen a Barghest. Hop in my cart, and we’ll ride to safety.

The BOYS hop in the cart.

VIRGIL: Thank you for the ride, sir.
MAN: My pleasure. Just do me one favor in return.
HIRSUTE: What’s that?
MAN: (spooky) Stay… away… from… the… Old Mill!
FLOYD: That seems easy enough.
GUY: Why?
FLOYD: What? What do you mean, why? Because it’s a favor.
GUY: What’s so bad about the Old Mill?
MAN: What’s so bad about it? Why boys, you should know…

Sings:

Somewhere way up in the Twilight Lands
Is dusty, run-down old mill
And you’ve heard in other songs, as I understand
That it’s likely to give you a chill
It’s truth, sure enough, that a spectre haunts the gate
I’ve seen it with my own eyes
And to those adventurers who want to investigate
I provide this here word to the wise:
Fuck the old mill
Fuck the old mill
Fuck the old mill, it’s HAUNTED.
There’s nothing in this place
That a person wants to face
So take my advice and fuck the old mill.

Spoken:

GUY: (sotto voce) Sounds like something we should investigate.
FLOYD: No. No it doesn’t. It seems like something we should stay away from.
BRIX: I don’t know, Floyd. Frequently, such places are a bastion of hidden treasure.
MAN: Treasure? Oh, my no, no… not this place.

Sings:

Now, every now and then there’s an evil edifice
That people say holds hidden treasure
But the mill holds none of that, I can say with confidence
Unless rotting corpses are your pleasure
So… fuck the old mill
FLOYD: Fuck the old mill!
FLOYD & MAN: Fuck the old mill, it’s HAUNTED.
There’s nothing in this place
That a person wants to face
So take my advice and fuck the old mill.
FLOYD: Fuck the old mill / MAN: Yeah, fuck that place!
Fuck the old mill / fuck it in it’s ear if it had one
Fuck the old mill it’s HAUNTED. / And no good can come of going there,
There’s nothing in that place / except evil, evil spirits,
That a person wants to face / you’ll tear your eyes out
So take my advice / and replace them with your nuts
So fuck the old mill! / fuck the old mill!
MAN: Fuck that crazy, ever-lovin’ mill!
FLOYD: Cha!

Button.
Spoken:

MAN: Well, this is where I have to let you off. Peace in your travels, gentlemen.

The MAN rides off.

GUY: We’re going to that old mill.
FLOYD: I know.

The Old Mill flies in. Boy howdy, is it scary.

VIRGIL: Well, here we are.
FLOYD: Can I just go on the record as saying –
GUY: You cannot. Let’s go.

The boys start to walk through the wheat. Eerie music plays, and the sounds of rustling. Finally, VIRGIL loses his nerve.

VIRGIL: To hell with this. I’m done. I’ll see you guys back at the path.
HIRSUTE: Wait for me!

VIRGIL and HIRSUTE exit. FLOYD, BRIX, and GUY trudge on.

FLOYD: This is crazy.
GUY: Nobody’s forcing you to go.
FLOYD: Really? Because that’s exactly what I thought was happening.
GUY: You can turn around any time you want… Floyd? Floyd?

GUY turns around to see FLOYD hopping away.

I’m glad you’re with me, Brix.
BRIX: Actually, I don’t think I can go any farther. Leastwise not unless I change my armor first.
GUY: Fine. I’ll approach myself.

GUY keeps walking. The mill gets bigger and bigger, until we see IT clearly… the figure that hangs from one of the blades. GUY gulps, and keeps moving.

VOICE (whispers) Guy…
GUY: I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid.
VOICE: (whispers) You… should… be…

Everything flies out, isolating GUY and the FIGURE.
Sings:

VOICE: Let me treat you to a house of horrors
The likes of which you’ve never known,
The Tally Man has come for you,
To reap that which the world has sewn!
From dreams in darkness was I born,
To bring about the end of time,
I feast on fear and hateful thoughts
That grow and fester in men’s minds
Now madness is my gift to you
Which I now graft onto your soul
So warn the world, if you dare,
My time will come, and heads will roll!

GUY screams as he turns and runs back to the others. FLOYD, BRIX, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE are waiting for him.

FLOYD: So how was it?
GUY looks at them, panting, then passes out.
VIRGIL: Well – that was the old mill.
FLOYD: Can get back on the road to Dreia, now?
HIRSUTE: Please.

BRIX picks up GUY and carries him. The BOYS walk as the mill flies out and Dreia flies in.

BRIX: Here we are! Dreia. Look – a clergyman!

FRIAR SAL enters with HAVERN.

SAL: Hi there. I’m Friar Sal, and this is my friend Havern.
VIRGIL: Havern? Havern the weaponsmith? I’ve heard of you. They say you’re the best.
HAVERN: Is that what they say?
SAL: You boys must be adventurers.
BRIX: That we are, Friar Sal.
SAL: That’s good. We don’t get many adventurers in town, and we actually have need of some. There’s a tower just outside of town that needs cleanin’ out. It’s haunted with all sorts of evil bugaboo.

GUY comes to.

GUY: Sounds like a job for us. Let’s go.
VIRGIL: Hold on there, cowboy. We need to rest up first. Where’s the nearest inn?
HAVERN: Just got one inn – the Jolly Badger, down the street.
VIRGIL: Well, what are we waiting for?

The JOLLY BADGER turns around to reveal its interior. ZARIN is inside, having a drink.

FLOYD: What a fine and quaint-looking tavern!
BRIX: Hey! There’s Zarin.
ZARIN: Brixmore? Virgil? Guy? It’s been so long! How are you?
BRIX: We have much to talk about, Zarin. Come with me.

BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, and ZARIN retreat to a table upstage. FLOYD crosses to the INNKEEPER.

FLOYD: Innkeep! You have a stage around here?
INNKEEPER: Sure do – right over thar!

FLOYD hops up on the stage.

FLOYD: Good evening, folks. I’m Floyd Fiftynames, and this is the Floyd Fiftynames Experience.

Sings:

Come gather round, children, it’s time that ye heard
Of a sad and pitiful citizen
With slack in his jaw and a hideous maw
That by noon’s fairly reeking of gin!
Oh… they…
Call him Sheriff Drooley,
That buffoon Sheriff Drooley
The idiot of Verl’s Crook
And beyond
He attempts to solve each case
By letting others take his place
And drinking liquors of which he is so fond!
Sheriff Drooley is a fool, this fact is fair well known –
He made his name in Verl’s Crook, where he served as chaperone
To all the hardworking peoples there, these folk like you and me,
And the cases that he bungled there were all that he did oversee.
One day a local mystery was causing some duress,
And when asked ‘bout whom would solve the case, he said, “you’ll do, I guess,”
“I’ve many more important things to do upon my plate,
Like sleeping away the afternoon and getting drunk by eight!”
Yes, they…
Call him Sheriff Drooley
Who’d never been to school-ey
Can’t read you your rights because
He can’t read at all,
I once mistook him for a latrine
And lest you think that I’m mean,
Consider all the waste when Drooley stalls!
Legend has it that one night Sheriff Drooley went on the town,
Where he spied a fair young maiden wearing a clean and flowing gown
He worked up the nerve to court the lass, executed his attack,
And woke up the next morning next to Farmer Paddington’s yak!
Now, Drooley, a man of honor, claimed, “This yak that I have knowed
Were not merely the machniations of some drunken episode –
I intend to make an honest woman of the yak I screwed”
So he married her and the two produced a fine and healthy brood.
And they…
Named the species Drooley,
The ghastly Yakkus Drooley,
By all accounts and wonder and a
Curiosity to behold –
And at night you can hear the Moo-ley
Of the yak that’s Mrs. Drooley
And the bull who makes the Sheriff a cuckold!
Yes, they…
Call him Sheriff Drooley,
That buffoon Marshal Drooley
The idiot of Verl’s Crook
And beyond
He attempts to solve each case
By letting others take his place
And drinking the liquors of which he is so fond!

Button; Spoken:

Thank you, thank you!
HIRSUTE: I think I’m gonna be sick.

HIRSUTE begins vomiting.

FLOYD: Humph. Everyone’s a critic.

The Curtain Closes.

END OF ACT I