Session XXI: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Five: We’re Taking This Show on the Road

Act I

Curtain opens on a ship in the middle of the ocean. SAILORS move sails and do other sailor-ish things. A CAPTAIN is at the wheel.

SAILORS:
Singing:
Longview girls, they have no combs,
Heave away, heave away,
They comb their hair with codfish bones,
We are bound for the Basilica!

Longview boys, they have no brains,
Heave away, heave away,
Their underpants have doody stains,
We are bound for the Basilica!

Heave away, my bully-bully boys,
Heave away, heave away,
Heave away and don’t you make a noise,
We are bound for the Basilica!

FLOYD enters from below deck, wearing a tri-corn hat with several large feathers.

FLOYD:
Spoken:
You call that a sea chanty?

FLOYD is followed by VIRGIL, GUY, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON. They are dressed in sailor slops, and seem ready for work.

Try this one.
Sings:
Heave, ho, heave ho!
Raise the sail, we’re on our way
Batten down the hatches and don’t be slow
We are bound to get to Larst someday!

The SAILORS glare at him.

It’s called panache. Get used to it.

The CAPTAIN approaches FLOYD.

CAPTAIN: Mr. Fiftynames –
FLOYD: Aye, aye, Cap’n?
CAPTAIN: You boys came aboard my ship from the Arimathean town of Longview –
FLOYD: That is where we were.
CAPTAIN: You agreed to work for your passage to Larst.
FLOYD: And that’s where we’re going.
CAPTAIN: Now, your friends over there, they are dressed for work, and they seem to be doing a yeoman’s job of keeping this ship in tip top shape.
FLOYD: Tip shop what now?
CAPTAIN: You, on the other hand, have done nothing but criticize my crew since you came aboard! When do ye expect to start earnin’ yer keep here, Mr. Fiftynames?
FLOYD: Captain, don’t worry. I see where your confusion lies. The fact is, my traveling companions are doing yeoman’s work, and with good reason. They’re yeomen.
CHRIS TENNISON: Can we throw him overboard?
GUY: No, no… let him finish, and the crew will do that for us.
FLOYD: I, on the other hand, am no laborer, as my well-manicured cuticles will attest. On the other hand, I don’t expect my friends here to pick up my slack, which is why I’ve created a very important job for myself.
CAPTAIN: And what is that, exactly?
FLOYD: I’m the ship’s entertainment officer!
CAPTAIN: We don’t NEED an entertainment officer, Mr. Fiftynames.
FLOYD: Maybe you don’t think you do – but this little ditty will convince you.
Sings:
When rough waters rock your boat,
And you start to feelin’ ill,
Just remember this here tune –
And the next time that you’re
Green around the gills
You won’t feel the urge to swoon!

Smooth sailin’,
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!

We left Longview
With some cargo
Bound for another count-u-ree,
And when we get there,
Guy has promised
To buy Virgil a new steed!

VIRGIL:
Spoken:
And don’t forget that, either!
GUY: Relax. We knew we were headed to Larst, and we couldn’t very well take our horses on the ship with us.
CHRIS TENNISON: Plus, you kind of overreacted to the news that we couldn’t take them.
VIRGIL: How so?
BRIX: You set Longview on fire!
VIRGIL: Well, I was mad.
FLOYD:
Sings:
Smooth sailin’
Oh, smooth sailin’
Across the great big sea,
Whether you’re travelin’
Or gone whalin’
You can travel comfortably!

Button. Spoken:

CAPTAIN: Put on some slops, and swab the damn deck.
FLOYD: Fine.

Suddenly, the ship starts to shake violently. Waves splash over the side. A SAILOR falls overboard.

SAILOR: This is my only line! Ahh!
FLOYD: Damn. If it’s Lily the Mer-Gnome, tell her I’m not here!

FLOYD hides under a crate. An enormous SEA GIANT stands up in the water. As deep as the ocean is, he is only waist-deep.

BRIX: Oh, this isn’t good.
GIANT: I feel my kindred stirring.

He looks down at the party.

Beware Strom.

The SEA GIANT disappears back into the water. Everything returns to normal.

GUY: Strom? Who the hell is that?
CHRIS TENNISON: Something tells me we’re bound to find out.

BRIX approaches FLOYD’s hiding space.

BRIX: It’s safe to come out now, Floyd.
FLOYD: What was it?
BRIX: A giant, telling us to beware Strom.
FLOYD: Strom? The legendary giant lord who nearly conquered Western Aggravail once upon a time?

GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at FLOYD.

BRIX: Come again?
FLOYD: Yeah, it happened a long time ago. Strom was this big evil Frost Giant, and he nearly conquered the world, but he was beaten by a resistance of men, led by some guy with a weapon called Stromsbane.
CHRIS TENNISON: How do you know that?
FLOYD: You pick things up playing taverns and swapping stories. Every now and then, I tend to know something about a random topic.
GUY: Well, well. Who knew that this random…
FLOYD: Bardic knowledge?
GUY: Yeah – that it would come in handy?
FLOYD: I’m full of surprises.
CAPTAIN: I’m so fucking serious!! Get to work!

The boys pick up mops and start swabbing. From the crow’s nest:

SAILOR #2: Larst, ho!

A cheer erupts from the ship. Larst glides into the background, a multi-level city on a mountain. At the top level, a beautiful ivory and gold Basilica. The party stands in awe.

FLOYD: Wow!
BRIX: Opulence. Peh.
VIRGIL: Ooh! I’ll bet that they have jewel encrusted horses here.

The boat docks, and the boys get off the ship. The ship flies out, replaced by the streets of the city.

GUY: Well, well. I guess the first thing we should do is –
VIRGIL: Horse. Now.
GUY: What? Oh, yeah…

GUY walks over to nearby tent, purchases a toy horse, and gives it to VIRGIL.

Happy?

VIRGIL seethes.

CHRIS TENNISON: Letter of the law, my friend.

A GNOME enters.

GNOME: Hello!
FLOYD: Hello, fellow gnome! What up?
GNOME: I couldn’t help but notice you boys are new to the city. Looking for a way up to the top?
CHRIS TENNISON: You betcha!
GNOME: How would you like to take a ride on my hot air balloon?

VIRGIL, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON look at each other with glee.

ALL: HOT AIR BALLOON?!

Then, playing it cool.

FLOYD: Sure, I guess.
GNOME: Hop in!
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.

A Hot Air Balloon flys in and lands at the boys’s feet. They get in, joined by the GNOME. The balloon takes off, and we find ourselves in the sky. Spoken:

VIRGIL: Whee! Flying is awesome!
FLOYD: Boy, it’s high up!
GUY: Not scared, are you Floyd?
FLOYD: Me? Please. I can cast feather fall. I’d be more worried if I were the iron dwarf over there.
BRIX: Eh – at least it’ll deaden the fall.
GNOME:
Sings
Come fly away with me
On a journey across the sky
When the ground is beneath your feet
The stars can only be in your eyes
But when you bid adieu
To the earth below you
And rapturously take to the air -
it’s a white knuckle rush
as your face becomes flush
and you feel… different
than you were over there.

The balloon lands on the top level. The Basilica looms large in the distance. Spoken:

GNOME: Here we are!
VIRGIL: Thanks!
GNOME: Don’t mention it. That’ll be one big bag of gold, please.

Stunned silence.

CHRIS TENNISON: A… a whole big bag?
GNOME: That’s right.

FLOYD reluctantly hands over a big bag of gold, taking one gold piece out in the process.

FLOYD: That’s for the bag.

HE pockets the gold piece.

GNOME: Pleasure doing business with you chumps.
BRIX: Chumps?
GNOME: That is to say – no, I was happy with it the first time.

The hot air balloon takes off. A GIRL in a gingham dress runs out.

GIRL: Oh! ! Come back! Don’t go without me! Please come back!
GNOME: I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works! Goodbye folks!

And the GNOME is gone.

GIRL: Oh! How am I ever going to get back to Kansas now?

The GIRL looks hopefully at the party. THEY stare back, blankly.

VIRGIL: Um, we should go.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah. See ya!

The PARTY exits as the GIRL and her DOG (that’s right) look after them. A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal the PARTY sitting at a booth in a restaurant called “The Boar’s Head,” a fancy place. The party sits on one side of the booth, while a gentleman named MERRILL sits on the other side. A large feast is upon the table, and MERRILL eats hungrily.

MERRILL: So, you got swindled, huh?
GUY: You might say that.
MERRILL: Yeah, the mark-ups here in Larst are pretty high. You want a better deal? Go to the Bar With No Name.
VIRGIL: How are we supposed to find a bar with no name?
MERRILL: That is the name?
CHRIS TENNISON: What?
MERRILL: The name of the bar.
BRIX: The Bar with No Name.
MERRILL: That’s right.
FLOYD: But how can it be the name of the bar if it’s a bar with no name?
MERRILL: I… never mind, just find it –
VIRGIL: But how –
MERRILL: Shut up! I’m trying to tell you where you can get a good deal on magic items.
GUY: Well, let me tell you, Merrill, who is a member of the seekers, the same organization that Ethan and Garam belong to - we really appreciate your help.
FLOYD: (to Guy, sotto voce) Nice summation.
GUY: I feel so dirty.

The party gets up to leave.

CHRIS TENNISON: See you soon!
MERRILL: Doubt it.

B-STAGE closes. A-STAGE opens to reveal a darkened bar room with a handful of inhabitants, every one of whom look like an adventurer. The PARTY enters.

FLOYD: Well, this is the place.

An ILLREAN RANGER enters, approaches VIRGIL.

RANGER: Excuse me –
BRIX: Oh, no! No thank you, sir. We know all about the goblins.
RANGER: - Okay. Are you Virgil Deathbow?
VIRGIL: I sure am.
RANGER: I’d like to talk to you about you becoming a member of the Illrean Rangers.
VIRGIL: Nifty!

VIRGIL and the RANGER go off to a corner to talk. The rest of the party approaches an ELF at the bar with a big bag that says, “Stuff!”

CHRIS TENNISON: That’s quite a bag of stuff you got there.
ELF: You like what you see?
CHRIS TENNISON: Indeed I do.
BRIX: You selling any of it?
ELF: Mayhaps.
CHRIS TENNISON: Well, ooh-la ti-da.
ELF: What’cha in the market for?

The PARTY begins conversing with the ELF. The door opens, and JARROD enters. He does not see the gang.

FLOYD: Hey, Guy.
GUY: What’s up, Floyd?
FLOYD: Isn’t that Jarrod?
GUY: You know, I think it is.
FLOYD: The same Jarrod who spys on us through an arcane mark he secretly placed on our arm?
GUY: That’s him. We should lay low and see what he’s up to.

But it’s too late. FLOYD calls out to JARROD.

FLOYD: Hey, Jarrod!

JARROD turns, surprised.

What’s the big idea, pal? You like to play peeping tom?
JARROD: What are you little twerps doing here?
FLOYD: You oughta know, shouldn’t you?
JARROD: Look, I don’t have time for your petty concerns and problems, boys. I’ve got actual important work to do.
GUY: We’re petty to you?
FLOYD: If that’s the case, why did you go to the trouble of programming channels onto our forearms?
JARROD: Screw off, gnomes.
GUY: That’s it!

GUY takes a swing at JARROD, who proves to be an illusion. The illusion dissipates.

FLOYD: What the fuck? Did this guy just send an illusion here to IGNORE US?
BRIX: Calm down, Floyd.
FLOYD: No! This guy doesn’t take us seriously enough to earn the right to spy on us any time he wants to. He’s cut off!
BRIX: Cut off? What are we going to do, chop off our arms?
FLOYD: You got a better idea?

VIRGIL re-enters the conversation.

VIRGIL: We could just find a wizard who will remove the arcane mark.
FLOYD:… or that.

A WIZARD stands up from the table.

WIZARD: I’m a wizard who can remove arcane marks.
FLOYD: Wu-Tang. Remove away, my good man.
WIZARD: Sure. That’ll be thirty-five hundred gold pieces per arm, though.
FLOYD: Son of a crap! Why is everything in this town so expensive?
GUY: Your only other choice is to go around without your left arm, Floyd.

LONG pause.

Floyd?
FLOYD: I’m THINKING.
GUY: Here.

GUY hands the WIZARD a considerable amount of gold.

That should cover the four of us.
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s almost everything we had left from Scar Canyon!

The WIZARD concentrates, then speaks an incantation. FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, and BRIX look on as a little cloud of smoke erupts on their arms.

WIZARD: Pleasure doing business with you.

The WIZARD takes his money and scoots out of the bar. FLOYD takes out a piece of paper and pen and writes quickly.

VIRGIL: What are you doing?
FLOYD: I’m preparing an invoice for fourteen-thousand gold to Jarrod from us.
VIRGIL: I don’t think he’s going to pay that, Floyd.
FLOYD: Then I’m gonna take it out of his ass with a spiky scoop.
GUY: Are we done with Larst?
CHRIS TENNISON: I think we’re done with Larst.

Curtain Closes.
END of ACT I.