Sessions XXII - XXIV: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Five: We’re Taking This Show on the Road

Act II

Curtain opens on a road in Gortia. In the distance there is a large cave. In front of the cave is a sign that says “Shortcut for Adventurers!” written in blood. Vultures feed on bones just outside the mouth of the cave. Near the road is a sign which reads, “Welcome to Gortia.”

GUY, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, VIRGIL, and FLOYD enter on foot.

FLOYD:
Sings
Oh, where are we bound for?
CHRIS TENNISON: Illrea!
FLOYD: What will we do there?
CHRIS TENNISON: I don’t know!
FLOYD: Why are we going?
CHRIS TENNISON: To meet some guys!
FLOYD & CHRIS TENNISON: Ill-re-a!
BRIX:
Spoken
You guys know we’re going to Illrea to meet the head of the Illrean Rangers, right?
FLOYD: Well, we do now.
BRIX: While we were in Larst, Virgil met a ranger who invited him to Illrea to meet the head of his organization.
CHRIS TENNISON: Why?
VIRGIL: Well, presumably because we’re up and coming adventurers, whose exploits are starting to be known far and wide.
FLOYD: You’re welcome.
VIRGIL: Among other things, we fought and defeated Doogal, took on the evil cultists of Krissk, explored Scar Canyon, purged the Tower of the Broken Moon, conquered the Tower of Puzzles, released the ghost from the Dagda Bridge, and escaped from the clutches of Cardinal Nikolai and killed his servant Faust, thereby avenging the death of our father figure, Abbott Teris.
GUY: Although I can’t help but feel there’s some major exploit that we’re forgetting.
FLOYD: Don’t worry. I’m sure it will come back to bite us in the ass eventually.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, look! A cave!
GUY: And it says shortcut for adventurers! We should use it.
BRIX: But what of the bones of these dead adventurers that lie strewn about the mouth of the cave?
GUY: I’m sure they’re unrelated.
VIRGIL: Says the axe-man!
GUY: What are you implying?
VIRGIL: I’m saying, Brix and I, we’re the ones that get paid to think around here! Let us decide how safe this cave shortcut is!
GUY: Oh, by all means, great thinker. Make up your mind!
FLOYD: Is anyone interested in my opinion?
GUY: No!
VIRGIL: Not really.
FLOYD (to the audience) We ended up taking the cave shortcut.

Interior of the cave flies in. It is spooky and scary.

GUY: This may have been a bad idea.
VIRGIL: I told you!
GUY: Now, Virgil. Don’t become the sort of person who runs from danger.
VIRGIL: If I ever become that sort of person, Floyd has my permission to humiliate me in his puppet musical.
FLOYD: Meta!

The cave starts to grow darker.

BRIX: I have a bad feeling about this, fellas.
VIRGIL: Is your cleric-sense tingling?
BRIX: While I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist, you’re not far off, Virgil. I’m a dwarf, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt uneasy and uncomfortable about being underground.
FLOYD: But you weren’t raise underground, you were raised at the Abbey.
BRIX: It’s in my blood, Floyd.
FLOYD: Now you’re just allowing yourself to be stereotyped.
BRIX: Oh, really? And how many names do you have, o wearer of silly hats?
FLOYD: I withdraw my objection.

A glowing circle appears at the edge of the stage. The party approacheth.

CHRIS TENNISON: Are glowing circles ever good?
VIRGIL: Sometimes.
CHRIS TENNISON: So how do we find out?
BRIX: Looks to be some writing around the edge of the circle, but it’s too dim to read.

Suddenly, a disembodied voice chimes in from the other side of the circle.

VOICE: It’s a portal.
BRIX: Oh, thanks. Wait, what?

Weapons are drawn.

VIRGIL: A portal to where?
VOICE: Come in and you’ll find out.
CHRIS TENNISON: Um, thank you, but no.
VOICE: What’s the matter, Chris Tennison? Afraid of what you’ll find here?
CHRIS TENNISON: How- how do you know my name? I’m pretty sure even my parents don’t know I was reincarnated.
VOICE: I’ve been watching you. I’ve been watching you all.
GUY: Well, creepy as that may be, I think it’s time for us to go.
VOICE: Oh, no, Guy Axefury. Do not go. Stay, and feast your eyes upon the horrors of Hell!

The portal glows with intense brightness. Much screaming and running as the party exits hurriedly.

GUY: Run, run, run!
BRIX: Which way?
FLOYD: Eeny, meany, miney, Floyd! This way!

The party turns a corner, and exits. The cave flies out, revealing a hillside on the other side of the entrance to the cave. Nearby, a village square. Several peasants are having a party, with lots of cranberries, squash, cabbage, and pumpkin, as well as a large cooked fowl. There is dancing around a big campfire. Music from a fiddle an fife.

The party crests the hill running at full speed. This catches the attention of the villagers, who watch in wonder as the party runs down the hill, through their small village, and exits the other side. The villagers look at each other quizzically. Suddenly, Floyd re-enters, followed by the others.

VIRGIL: Um, Floyd? Why did you stop running?
FLOYD: Sorry, boys. I’ve got to get some of this pregnant.

A fair maiden approaches Floyd and hands him a mug.

MAIDEN: Welcome to our village, handsome gnome!
FLOYD: Welcome to Floyd’s tally sheet, fair maiden!


FLOYD pulls out a piece of paper on which is scrawled a list.

What’s today’s date? I’ll need to know that for future paternity suits.
MAIDEN: Why, everyone knows it’s the middle of high autumn!
GUY: Are you kidding me? I thought it was winter!
MAIDEN: It would be most peculiar if we had our autumnal equinox festival in the winter, slightly less attractive gnome.
VIRGIL: The cave…
BRIX: High autumn?
GUY: (looking at Floyd’s paper) Tally sheet…
GUY, VIRGIL, and BRIX: (together) The Harvester!
VIRGIL: Holy shit!
BRIX: We have to find him!
GUY: When is the date of the equinox?
MAIDEN: Ten nights from now.
VIRGIL: Jonathan dog crap!
BRIX: This is bad, this is bad.

FLOYD and the MAIDEN exit surreptitiously.

We don’t even know where we’re going to find him.

Suddenly a man steps forward from the villagers. It is DR. ETHAN.

ETHAN: Actually, we do.
CHRIS TENNISON: Dr. Ethan! Well, knee me in the crotch!

An oafish looking villager obliges.

Oomph! (Weakly) What gives?
ETHAN: Garam and I have worked out that the Harvester will begin his rampage at the Valley of the Fallen Stars, just east of centaur run, on the other side of the Bloody Crag, which incidentally, is the only way to get to the valley.
GUY: Through the crag?
ETHAN: That’s right.
GUY: Well, we could use the fighting practice. Come on, gang.
ETHAN: Garam and I will meet you there. We just need to talk one other person into joining us.

ETHAN exits. FLOYD re-enters, adjusting his hat, followed by the MAIDEN.

MAIDEN: Floyd! Will I ever see you again?
FLOYD: Sure thing, random village maiden. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to save the world.
GUY: Ready?
FLOYD: Born ready.
BRIX: To the crag?
ALL: To the crag!

The party exits. The villagers join hands and dance around the fire as music resumes.

VILLAGERS:
Singing
Hail, Equinox
Mysterious night
The moon and stars
That glow so bright
Call to the spirits
Who take flight
And we revel
Until we see the light!

The campfire and the villagers fly out, revealing the interior of the Bloody Crag, a series of cliffs, caverns, and mountainside that serves as a perfectly defensible fortress. Within, a group of GNOLLS, ORCS, and other assorted low-level baddies are engaged in a battle with the party. The good guys are winning, but they’re sweating.

VIRGIL: Why are these gnolls so adamant about defending their lives?

VIRGIL lets loose an arrow, which flies smack dab into the middle of a GNOLL WARRIOR. The arrow lets loose an electric current, and the GNOLL falls dead.

GUY: I know, right? All we did was invade their fortress and only homestead.

GUY cleaves through two ORCS.

BRIX: Some creatures simply can’t appreciate hero work.

BRIX casts a spell and a column of fire engulfs several enemies.

CHRIS TENNISON: Those who live through this carnage will surely thank us someday.

CHRIS TENNISON swings his staff at an orc, but misses wildly and falls down.

FLOYD: Don’t worry. I’ll paint a flattering picture of the entire episode.

FLOYD stabs a gnoll in the eye. He falls to the ground, convulsing with shock.

A-STAGE closes. B-STAGE opens to reveal a gorgeous valley, surrounded by snowy mountain peaks. Above, the stars shine with an intense brightness. Below, a valley floor made of pure obsidian, the surface of which is so reflective that the stars seem to be an infinite mirror into the abyss within the face of the rock. GARAM, GOLDSCHMIDDT, and DR. ETHAN stand near the entrance from the mouth of the crag. FLOYD, BRIX, CHRIS TENNISON, GUY, and VIRGIL emerge, bloodied, bruised, but victorious. BRIX immediately begins healing the party.

CHRIS TENNISON: Goldschmiddt? Ethan, Garam? How’d you guys get over here?
GARAM: We came through the crag, same as you.
VIRGIL: Then why were there so many gnolls and orcs in there?
ETHAN: Well, we told them that we needed to get over to this side, and they let us through.
CHRIS TENNISON: Really?
GARAM: Yes. It’s amazing what folks’ll do for you when you ask them nicely.
VIRGIL: Hmm. Imagine that.
GUY: So, what’s the plan?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: The Harvester cannot be harmed by normal means –
GUY: What’re you calling normal, Goldschmiddt? I mean, have you seen my axe?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Your axe will be useless here. You must use the weapon I am providing to you.
GUY: Very well. Bestow upon me your mighty weapon.

GOLDSCHMIDDT reaches into his boot and pulls out a small dagger.

GOLDSCHMIDDT: There you go.
GUY: I am unenthused.
GOLDSCHMIDDT: Listen to me! This is the only weapon known that will harm the Harvester.
FLOYD: Where did you get it?
GOLDSCHMIDDT: I had to send away for it. Guy, you’re the most competent warrior in hand-to-hand combat, so you’ll be in charge of stabbing him. The rest of you will have to keep him off balance.
FLOYD: Easy enough.
VIRGIL: Oh, really? You think so?
FLOYD: Sure. Watch.

A WIND sweeps though the valley, followed by a faint rustle. Then, from out of nowhere, THE HARVESTER leaps onto stage and falls into a combat crouch.

FLOYD: You’re late. The Harvest was supposed to start three days ago.

Confused, THE HARVESTER checks his watch, which apparently keeps track of the date.

Now!

The party leaps into action. CHRIS TENNISON charges, but slips and falls. BRIX puts up a wind wall between THE HARVESTER and ETHAN, GARAM, and GOLDSCHMIDDT. VIRGIL begins to cast. FLOYD clicks his heels, and winds up behind THE HARVESTER.

Flanked!
GUY: That’s all I need.

GUY charges at THE HARVESTER with the dagger. THE HARVESTER proves to be tremendously agile, dodging and parrying GUY’s thrusts, though GUY and FLOYD manage to stay with THE HARVESTER every step of the way. THE HARVESTER backs around, leaping off BRIX’s wind wall and swinging with his sickle at VIRGIL, who barely gets out of the way in time. VIRGIL, for his part, knocks THE HARVESTER around with a couple of magic missiles. THE HARVESTER recovers, and spin fakes FLOYD, effectively taking away the flanking position GUY had. THE HARVESTER then takes a couple of steps backward, preparing to fully engage his combat skills onto GUY.

However, he doesn’t realize that he has backed right into CHRIS TENNISON, who was slow to get up from his initial trip. CHRIS TENNISON, thinking quickly, holds out his staff below THE HARVESTER’s knees. Caught completely off guard, THE HARVESTER trips backwards, falling flat on the ground. In an instant, GUY is there. In a flash, he stabs THE HARVESTER three times: once in the chest, once in the neck, and a third time in the abdomen. As he pulls the knife away, he rips a large amount of fabric on THE HARVESTER’s tunic, revealing nothing underneath. THE HARVESTER’s scarecrow-like body contorts, then there is a flash of light, and the clothes fall to the ground lifeless before quickly crumbling into dust.

Stunned, the party looks around at each other, and quickly begins to celebrate!

VIRGIL: We did it!
FLOYD: We saved the world!
GOLDSCHIMDDT: Don’t get too excited – you’ve defeated The Harvester, but you haven’t destroyed him.
BRIX: What are you talking about?
ETHAN: This is The Betrayer you’re talking about, boys – you don’t just get rid of him. Defeating The Harvester returns him to his original position, hanging from the Old Mill. He can’t harm anyone from there, unless someone releases him again.
FLOYD: Which you’re saying someone could do.
ETHAN: That’s what I’m saying, yes.
BRIX: Well, that sucks donkey balls! I can’t believe we worked so hard to destroy a great evil, only to put it back at a flimsy risk of being re-released into the world!
ETHAN: What can I say? Such is the nature of evil, boys. You can’t completely eradicate it. You can only hope to contain it. The struggle is eternal.
VIRGIL: Still, this feels tremendously anti-climactic. We don’t even get a reward out of this.
GARAM: Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

GARAM, ETHAN, and GOLDSCHMIDDT exit. From within:

ETHAN: Jesus Jones! Who killed all the gnolls in here?
VIRGIL: (to the rest of the group) What in the flip florn flap is Garam talking about?

Suddenly, a light shines, and a small deck of cards appears. A long pause as the party stares at the artifact before them. Finally:

CHRIS TENNISON: Ooooooh.

Curtain Closes

END OF ACT II