Session XVII: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Three: Puzzles and Traps

Act VI

Curtain opens on the exterior of the Cracked Flagon, early in the morning. FLOYD, BRIX, GUY, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON enter, weary from their long journey, but anxious for what is about to go down.

BRIX: Ah, the Cracked Flagon! What a sight for sore eyes!
CHRIS TENNISON: It’ll be nice to go in a put our feet up for a while.
GUY: Let’s not forget we’ve got business to attend to.
CHRIS TENNISON: Who could forget with you reminding us every ten minutes?

Enter ETHAN, ART, ZARIN (LINUS) and ORIN.

ETHAN: Hi boys – look what we found.
VIRGIL: Orin! Good to see you again.
ORIN: Fellas. Sorry about the freak-out last time we met.
VIRGIL: Eh – we’re used to it.

Enter PSKENART with a new friend. This is ARTAMUS.

PSKENART: Hi!
BRIX: Pskenart! Good to see you. Who’s this?
PSKENART: This here’s my friend Artamus.
BRIX: Hi.
ARTAMUS: Hello. I look forward to getting to know you all.
FLOYD: Yeah, something tells me that’s not going to happen.
ARTAMUS: Why?
FLOYD: (suddenly cheery) No reason! Come on, Artamus – let me buy you a drink, a cigarette, and a blindfold.

FLOYD exits into the Flagon with ARTAMUS.

BRIX: Pskenart, this my old mentor, Dr. Ethan.
PSKENART: Charmed!

PSKENART shakes ETHAN’s hand as he says this, accidentally charming ETHAN.

Oops! I keep forgetting that I do that.
BRIX: Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. He may never let you near him again, though. Come on, Ethan!
ETHAN: (charmed and unnaturally cheery) Sure!

TOK enters from within the Flagon, polishing a glass. CHRIS TENNISON is counting everyone as they go in.

CHRIS TENNISON: 11, 12, 13. Well, Tok, you ready for us to double your business?

The exterior of the Flagon opens up, revealing the interior. There are a butt load of people in here, including: GARAM, VIGGIO, HAVERN, BROMIR, ABEL, MURDOCK, DOYLE, PAXTON, ARTURO, TITUS, MARCUS, MARTIN, and even little SALLY, in addition to GUY, FLOYD, BRIX, GRAHAM, PSKENART, ARTAMUS, ETHAN, ORIN, ART, ERIC, SAMARID, and ZARIN. CHRIS TENNISON stares wide-eyed at the whole group assembled within. TOK enters.

TOK: Be my guest.
CHRIS TENNISON: (to GUY) Holy mother of crap! There must be forty people here!
VIRGIL: Yeah, and most of them are balls-to-the-wall with magic gear.
GUY: Party huddle!

GUY, BRIX, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON huddle up.

Okay, it’s very important that we cover the whole story here without boring these guys – to the point, but we cover all the major elements, okay, Floyd?

GUY notices FLOYD isn’t in the huddle.

Floyd? Oh, son of a bitch.

The huddle breaks up, revealing FLOYD in full storytelling mode.

FLOYD: … so we broke the fuck out of the cathedral, and agreed we should give you guys a call, and that’s why we’re all gathered here today. Any questions?
TITUS: I have one. When you guys broke out of the cathedral, was Guy still in his gnome makeover outfit?
FLOYD: Good question, but sadly, no. Faust had taken our possessions and we didn’t have time to re-disguise Guy.
TITUS: Oh. Well, that would’ve been funny.

General agreement.

GUY: Are you done? We need to tell them about the Harvester.
MURDOCK: Oh, don’t worry. Floyd told us all about it.
GUY: You… you already told them everything?
GARAM: Yep. The whole story.
GUY: ALL of it?
SAMARID: Every last word, as far as we know.
GUY: Great. So I suppose you guys know about the Shiva Sword and everything.
DOYLE: Shiva sword?
PAXTON: What?
PSKENART: You guys have the Apocalypse sword?

General murmuring breaks out.

FLOYD: Dude, I do have some discretionary powers.
MARCUS: Where did you find this sword?
GUY: Um… never mind about the sword. We’ve got bigger fish to fry right now.
VIRGIL: For rizzle. The Harvest is nigh!

Beat.

DOYLE: Can we see the Shiva Sword?

Everyone starts talking at once. GRUTH enters.

GRUTH: Yo!

All eyes on GRUTH. Many hands find their weapons.

VIRGIL: Gruth. You picked an interesting way to die.
GRUTH: I’ve come to offer you all one more chance. Join forces with Doogal, or be destroyed.
GUY: No dice, Gruth. Now lets you and me step outside so I can sell you for parts.
GRUTH: Oh, I’d love to step outside. You see, I have the place surrounded.

Murmur.

Seeing as how you won’t join our cause, I’ll just take the girl and be on my way.
BRIX: Come get her.
GRUTH: Fair enough.

GRUTH exits.

CHRIS TENNISON: …maybe he doesn’t know where she is.
VIRGIL: Or maybe he went outside to get his army. Quick, everyone – prep spells!

An explosion. The wall of the Flagon collapses, revealing an army of kobolds, lizardfolk, orcs, gnolls, a hill giant, and dwarven and human mercenaries. GRUTH hops on a black dragon and flies away.

GRUTH: I’ll come back and clean up the mess. Attack!

BIG FIGHT happens in slo-mo while light focuses on FLOYD and whomever he’s singing about. FLOYD takes up a position in the down right corner.

FLOYD:
Sings:
When the battle that rages
Is one for the ages
It’s appropriate to write a song
And as these songs go
You inevitably know
That they’re cool, but my God, are they long –

So I shan’t be surprisecd
By the look in your eyes
When I play the following chord –
But I’ve got some leverage
So order a beverage
And I promise that you won’t be bored.

What cracked the flagon?
It sure weren’t no black dragon –
Or a dragon by his lonesome, anyway.
It didn’t come on a wagon
To destroy the Cracked Flagon
On that momentous and ultimately vict’rous day!

Now, this song that is so true
Starts, as they most often do,
With a profile of the heroes of this fight –
And since they’re all good friends,
I’m sure we’ll make amends
When in this song of them I do make light .

First, there’s the cleric Brix
He’s the dwarf that’s in our mix
He’s tough as hell; hell, he only has one eye!
He got his dwarfly bod
By worshipping his God
And drinking ale that tastes like marble rye.

And then, Virgil the Ranger
Has never known a danger
That couldn’t lay him out with just one blow
He’ll track you to the end
Up the creek or round the bend
Then shoot you from afar with an arrow.

And when I’m on the road again
With a monk who’s named Chris Tennison
I’ll make sure to pack a cure potion or two –
He’d have everlasting fame,
But he’s had so many names
That too often folks are asking, “who are you?”

Still, Guy’s the one in this show
That you’ll really want to know –
He’s a gnome without the sense to wear a hat!
And while fighting is his nature,
He earned his nomenclature
By sporting such thoroughly average stats.

And I’m the bard named Floyd
Who you’ll likely want to avoid
Rumor is that I’ll eat you outta house and home –
I once downed a ½ lb steak,
And while that doesn’t sound too great,
Keep in mind that I’m a 3’8 ½ inch gnome.

And there were also Ethan and Orin,
Who came with us, exploring
To the Flagon on that very fateful day –
Pskenart and Artamus were there,
The glory of this tale they share
For they joined us when we met them on the way.

At the Flagon we did meet,
A great council, thought discreet,
To divvy up the issues of the day –
There was Tok and the minotaur, Graham,
And the rest of the year of the Ram,
But of this, there’s not much more that I should say.

While we met to save the world
Of whose problems were unfurled
Before us, the bar door opened wide
And in stepped a sinister man
Who thought it was his plan
To kidnap a human child that was inside

The man, named Gruth, opined,
And we respectfully declined,
So naturally he challenged us to a fight
A great and mighty battle
For whom the heavens themselves would rattle
Begun that day and lasting well into the night –

What cracked the flagon?
It sure weren’t no black dragon –
Or a dragon by his lonesome, anyway.
It didn’t come on a wagon
To destroy the Cracked Flagon
On that momentous and ultimately vict’rous day!

Gruth had brought with him a force
To be reckoned with, of course,
A horde of mercenaries and slaves
Kobolds and evil men,
Lizardfolk and their shaman,
Came through the front and back door in large waves.

And waiting there outside
With his great maw open wide
A hill giant waited for his turn
While a dwarf force from the north
Approached the windows, coming forth
And a fire to the roof was set to burn!

With siege laid to the Cracked Flagon,
Gruth rode off on a dragon,
Coward that he was, he would not fight that day
Still, left within the wake
Of Gruth and his flying drake
A small army was left for us to slay!

They poured in through the door,
A hundred, maybe, more,
And our brave and valiant heroes took them all –
But still, they charged inside,
Sometimes four astride,
Blasting smoking holes throughout the walls!

And fighting the attack,
We fought and struggled back,
First to gain, and then to lose the upper hand –
Separated as we were,
We were in serious danger
Of this being the end of our faithful band.

And though Artamus was slain,
His courage was not in vain,
Nor Arturo, who also met his end –
For a message was sent to Gruth,
That his minions, the great uncouth,
Were just fodder for us easily to rend.

We soon had them on the run,
But we found they weren’t done,
For no sooner did we have them than the dragon did return,
But the beast, it was no match
For our forces were dispatched
And they made short work of that vile wyrm.

What cracked the flagon?
It sure weren’t no black dragon –
Or a dragon by his lonesome, anyway.
It didn’t come on a wagon
To destroy the Cracked Flagon
On that momentous and ultimately vict’rous day!

Though the Flagon lay in ruin,
We knew that it would rise again
Like a pheonix from the ashes, this inn would be restored
It would see its former glory
To be the subject of a story
To leave you twice as entertained and half as bored!

What cracked the flagon?
It sure weren’t no black dragon –
Or a dragon by his lonesome, anyway.
It didn’t come on a wagon
To destroy the Cracked Flagon
On that momentous and ultimately vict’rous day!

Button; end of song.

When it’s all said and done, ARTURO, BROMIR, and ARTAMUS lay dead among the allies, the rest, though bloodied, bruised, and beaten, stand victorious. A small number of mercenaries have surrendered to VIRGIL and PSKENART; all the others combatants are dead, including the black dragon under the axe of GUY.

The Cracked Flagon, on the other hand, is in bad shape. Walls are knocked out, the thatched roof is burned, and there are broken chairs, tables, bottles, and stools everywhere, to say nothing of the bodies and the cuts in the floorboards, bar, etc. TOK looks on sadly at the shambles of his establishment.

CHRIS TENNISON: That was a hell of a battle!

BRIX begins praying over the dead.

PSKENART: What do you want to do with our captives, Virgil?
VIRGIL: They were in it for the money. I say we let them go on the condition that they never return to the Twilight Lands again.
MERCENARY CAPTAIN: Thank’ee, kind sir. We will retreat home northward and tell of your kindness.

The surviving MERCENARIES exit.

CHRIS TENNISON: Wow, Virgil… that was… very un-Virgil-like of you.
VIRGIL: What can I say? I’m all killed out for today.

ABEL approaches GUY.

ABEL: Guy… Floyd told us about Malus and the Preatorian Guard armor, and about the Imperial Scepter.
GUY: Some discretionary powers, huh, Floyd?
FLOYD: I said SOME.
ABEL: I think the best thing for me to do is to go to Malus’ farm and try to explain this relationship, especially now that the scepter is in the hands of Cardinal Nikolai.
GUY: Good idea.

VIRGIL approaches MURDOCK. ABEL exits.

MURDOCK: Virgil. Floyd says you guys could use a map of the area?
VIRGIL: We sure could.
MURDOCK: Here. You can copy mine.
VIRGIL: Much obliged, ace!

VIRGIL begins to copy MURDOCK’s map. CHRIS TENNISON approaches TOK.

CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, Tok…
TOK: No need to comfort me, son. I’ve lost buildings to bar fights before.
GRAHAM: Still, that was one hell of a bar fight.
TOK: That it was, that it was.
CHRIS TENNISON: I was going to ask you for a beer.

TOK stares at CHRIS TENNISON hard. In the distance, we hear wagon wheels. A man, OAK, pulls up in a wagon with a mule. An archer, LIAM STRONGBOW, sits in the back of the wagon.

OAK: Come, Liam Strongbow, this is my favorite watering hole. We can have a drink and… what the fuck?

The wagon stops short.

TOK: Welcome to the Cracked Flagon, what can I get you?
OAK: What the hell happened here?
FLOYD: Do I really have to sing the song again? It’s like five pages long.
TOK: No need. (to OAK) Big fight.
OAK: I thought fighting was outlawed at the Flagon.
GUY: BIG fight.
OAK: How big, exactly? Describe it to me in song.

VIRGIL finishes copying MURDOCK’s map and heads over.

GUY: Not now, okay?
VIRGIL: Hey, what’s going on here – what the bullshit! (to OAK with great intensity) Where did you find that mule?
OAK: I bought it, it’s mine.
VIRGIL: Where? Where did you buy it? Tell me!
OAK: What’s this guy’s problem?
BRIX: Modes of transportation have been hard to come by around here, on account of Doogal.
OAK: Doogal, eh? Never heard of him.

Beat.

VIRGIL: Get the fuck out.
BRIX: Easy now, Virgil. Maybe Oak knows where we can buy another horse.
OAK: Nope, sorry, this was the last one at the stable.
VIRGIL: Get. The. Fuck. Out.
GUY: Where is the stable where you bought the mule?
OAK: Little place up near Scar canyon.
VIRGIL: Then that’s where we’re headed.

VIRGIL marches off north where OAK came from.

OAK: Okay…
CHRIS TENNISON: We’ll catch up with him. Sit down, have a drink.
TOK: I’ve got beer with glass in it, and gnomish blue.
BRIX: I’ll have a beer with glass in it.

GARAM enters with SALLY.

GARAM: I’m taking Sally back to Dreia. Try not to start anymore huge battles.
CHRIS TENNISON: No promises.

GARAM and SALLY exit. FLOYD approaches LIAM STRONGBOW.

FLOYD: So, Artamus, you want me to buy you that drink now?
LIAM STRONGBOW: Artamus? Who’s that?

PSKENART approaches.

FLOYD: Pskenart, I think your friend has amnesia from the fight.
PSKENART: Artamus is dead, Floyd.
FLOYD: Then who is this?
LIAM STRONGBOW: I’m Liam.
FLOYD: Weird. You want Artamus’ drink?
LIAM STRONGBOW: I thought you’d never ask.

PSKENART, LIAM, and FLOYD cross to the bar. GRAHAM begins to sweep up. ZARIN enters, sneaks off into the night. ERIC, SAMARID, ETHAN, and ART set up a table and begin talking.

OLD TOM enters, whistling a tune. He stops short when he sees the devastation of the Cracked Flagon, and looks at all the adventurers picking up the pieces and drinking.

OLD TOM: God-damned adventurers.


END OF ACT VI

END OF PART III