Sessions XV & XVI: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Three: Puzzles and Traps
Act V

Curtain opens in an alleyway. VIRGIL is facing a brick wall.

VIRGIL: All right, Virgil. You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out. You came through a portal, and you don’t know where you are, and you don’t know how to get back. It could be worse.

From above, a big load of garbage and excrement falls on VIRGIL.

Scratch that.

VIRGIL starts pressing bricks. One lights up and causes the rest of the wall to turn blue.

Bingo.

VIRGIL exits by jumping through the portal just as FLOYD, CHRIS TENNISON, and BRIX jump through the other side and out into the alley. The bricks turn red again. They look around furtively for VIRGIL.

BRIX: Virgil? Virgil?

Beat.

Well, crap, where is he?

FLOYD plays with the bricks until the bricks turn blue again.

FLOYD: There’s our ride.

FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON jump through the portal. BRIX moves to go, too, but he ends up bumping into VIRGIL, who jumps back through into the alley.

BRIX: Oomph! Virgil?
VIRGIL: Hey, cowboy.
BRIX: Where did you come from?
VIRGIL: The portal. Duh?
BRIX: Yes, but how did we not see you?
VIRGIL: I’ve come to not question the logic of magic portals too much.

From above, another big load of garbage and excrement.

On the other hand, someone up there is going to have several questions to answer from me.

FLOYD, CHRIS TENNISON, and GUY jump through the portal, and rejoin BRIX and VIRGIL in the alley.

BRIX: Guy? I thought you were –
VIRGIL: Magic portal, my friend. You REALLY don’t want to know.
GUY: So, let’s check out Compassgate!

The boys walk out of the alley. The brick wall moves out as a bustling city streetscape flies in. Passersby move across the stage in both directions. GUY stops one of them, a YOUNG MAN.

GUY: Excuse me, good sir, but where is the magic shop located in this city?
YOUNG MAN: If it was up your butt, you’d know it.

GUY’s eyes narrow into murder. HE chops the YOUNG MAN in half.

VIRGIL: Goddamn, Guy.
GUY: What?

VIRGIL yanks GUY back into the alley. FLOYD puts his hands in his pockets, and moves away from the scene of the crime, whistling. TWO uniformed officers approach BRIX & CHRIS TENNISON.

OFFICER #1: Excuse me, sonny jimbo, did you see who murdered this here young man?
BRIX: Um…
CHRIS TENNISON: As a matter of fact, we did not.
OFFICER #2: Works for me. Let’s go have flapjacks.

The OFFICERS exit.

BRIX: I feel so dirty.
CHRIS TENNISON: You’ll get used to it.

VIRGIL appears from the alley, and drags CHRIS TENNISON and BRIXMORE back. FLOYD re-enters.

FLOYD: Hello? Where is everyone?
VIRGIL: (O.S.) Psst! Floyd! This way.
FLOYD: Hm. When given the choice of following a disembodied whisper or standing here in public with a corpse, disembodied whisper wins by a surprising margin.

FLOYD exits into the alley. City flies out, alleyway returns. All the boys:

VIRGIL: Now that Guy is officially wanted for murder, Floyd, we’re gonna need you to disguise him.
FLOYD: You… you want me to use my disguise kit?
VIRGIL: Yes. It makes sense.
FLOYD: I get to dress up Guy however I want?
VIRGIL: Within reason.
FLOYD: What if…
GUY: No.
FLOYD: Then maybe…
GUY: Nope.
FLOYD: Okay, well imagine that –
GUY: No!
FLOYD: Why don’t I just make you look like a gnome?
GUY: I already am a gnome.
FLOYD: Biologically speaking, I suppose. But a gnome wandering around wearing animal skins and no hat and brandishing a big sword –
GUY: It’s an axe, goon.
FLOYD: - well, he isn’t really a gnome at all, is he?
BRIX: He has a point, laddie.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to bring that up.
GUY: You have? In what context?
CHRIS TENNISON: I considered holding an intervention.
FLOYD: Shush, now. The gnome-ification process is delicate. It can’t be forced.
Sings:
A Gnome is not coarse
Nor is he ever vile,
A Gnome never has stinky breath
If he tells you a story
It may take a while
And a Gnome will never, ever,
Bludgeon you to death…

I’m gonna make you a Gnome in no time flat,
You’ll look so good you won’t know where you’re at
Gonna make you a round belly that is fat,
And I’m gonna top it off with a pointy, silly hat!

FLOYD, with help from VIRGIL, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON, begin to “make over” GUY.

I always wondered why your face looked so weird
Then I realized you never covered it with a beard
So I put one on you and everybody cheered
VIRGIL, BRIX, & CHRIS TENNISON: Yay!
FLOYD: These hairs came from some lady pubes I sheared!
VIRGIL: He needs some clothes that aren’t made out of fur
FLOYD: Good suggestion, Virgil, we’ll fix that up for sure
CHRIS TENNISON: It’s as though Guy has just received a cure
BRIX: We’re gonna see exactly how much he can endure!
ALL (excluding GUY):
A Gnome looks just like this,
His nails are always clean
And his hair is always perfectly in place
No smudges on his face or toes or anywhere between!
FLOYD: Gonna dress you up in a silky, shiny shirt
Gonna take this loincloth and bury it in the dirt
Watch out for the ladies, they sure do love to flirt
With a dandy fellow like you out on alert!
Now you look like a Gnome,
ALL (excluding Guy):
Sure as any illustration that you’ll find in a tome!

Button. GUY is now dressed from head to toe in Gnomish finery. He has a beard, and pointy hat, and a round little belly, and pointy shoes.

FLOYD: What do you think?
GUY: I think it’s surprising that you did this to me when you know that I’ve already killed once today.
FLOYD: Surprising?
GUY: Well, maybe not surprising. More like frustrating. How many murders do I have to commit to make you scared of me?
BRIX: Come on, we need to get moving if we’re going to find Brother Ethan in a town this big.

The boys exit. Alley out, street scene in. A chalk outline lies around the spot where the YOUNG MAN died.

VIRGIL: Careful, boys. Don’t get fingerprints on the crime scene.
CHRIS TENNISON: Oh, that’s not a crime scene. I drew that while you guys were singing.

The boys walk a little further down the street. Literally next door to where GUY killed the YOUNG MAN is the magic shop.

GUY: Hm. How ‘bout that?

The party walks into the magic shop. The interior of the shop flies in, where a stately half-elf minds the store.

SHOPKEEP: Hi, you want to buy magic items?
BRIX: We sure do, shopkeep!
SHOPKEEP: Great! Can I see your permit?
GUY: Permit?
SHOPKEEP: Why yes, my adorably pudgy little gnome friend. Magical items can’t be sold in Compassgate without a permit. So, do you have one?
GUY: Yes I do….

GUY pulls out his axe and waves it around furiously.

Right here! How’s this for a permit?!

Flashing lights outside. An amplified voice:

OFFICER #1: Don’t move! We have you surrounded!
VIRGIL: Guy… God. DAMN.

Exeunt all. A courthouse flies in. A CLERK is inside, and the party enters accompanied by the two OFFICERS.

CHRIS TENNISON: So, officer, what happens now?
OFFICER #2: You’ve got to explain your case to the judge.
CHRIS TENNISON: The judge? Which one is he?
OFFICER #1: Here he comes now.

The JUDGE enters, accompanied by music and dancing GIRLS.

JUDGE:
Sings:
I’m the judge!
I’m the judge!
And I’m here to hear your case!
I will give
You a nudge
Into jail or throw you out of here on your face!
Spoken:
BRIX: Neither one of those options sounds particularly pleasant.
JUDGE:
Sings:
When you’re here
With the judge
There are rules you must obey!
Stand up straight,
Speak up, son,
And never, ever run away!
GIRLS:
He’s the judge
When he rules,
Things are bound to go his way!
You’ll submit,
Or you’re fools
If you don’t bow to this display!

Button. The GIRLS exit, winking and giggling at the JUDGE.

GIRLS: Bye, judge, etc!
JUDGE: So, what seems to be the problem here?
CLERK: Your honor, these young lads are charged with threatening a merchant with a deadly weapon.
JUDGE: Boys, is this true?

The gang confers for a minute. Finally, FLOYD speaks for the group.

FLOYD: Your honor, my name is Floyd Fiftynames. I’m speaking for our group on the grounds that I’m the least objectional-looking.
JUDGE: Agreed. Go on, Mr. Fiftynames.
FLOYD: Your honor, I know when a cute, pudgy little gnome brandishes a mighty war axe in a mercantile store and yells at the proprietor, it may appear the proprietor is being threatened. However, this conclusion would have been reached on the basis of the evidence at hand, and not the situation that led to the brandishing.
JUDGE: What situation?
FLOYD: Simply this – my traveling companion and brother was simply checking his axe to see if the permit was affixed to his blade. As it so happens, the only reason he was shaking it was to knock the permit loose if in fact it had become wedged to the metal after the paper had become wet.
JUDGE: And the yelling?
FLOYD: Tourettes, your honor. It’s a mental disease in which the patient screams obscenities uncontrollably.
JUDGE: Why should I believe your story, Mr. Fiftynames?
FLOYD: Well, your honor, if this is the truth, then my brother is mentally unbalanced, yes?
JUDGE: Clearly.
FLOYD: And why would I, a self-respecting dandy, admit to having a mongoloid sibling in this stigma-ridden, medieval-inspired society?
JUDGE: You have a point. Very well, I’m ready to make my ruling. I find the defendants –

One of the GIRLS enters.

GIRL: Excuse me, your honor?
JUDGE: - yes?
GIRL: May we see you outside for an urgent and sexy matter?
JUDGE: (to the boys) One moment, lads.

The JUDGE gets up and exits.

Here COME the judge!

Silence. The boys look at each other uncomfortably. Finally, it is GUY that speaks up.

GUY: I’m just saying it’s a sad state of affairs when even the one-off NPCS come in here singing and dancing with chorus girls. Something should be done about it.
VIRGIL: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
CHRIS TENNISON: No, no. Don’t say that. It’s going to be fine.
VIRGIL: When is it ever fine?
CHRIS TENNISON: Odds are it has to be fine one of these days, right?

The doors open and FAUST enters.

BRIX: I’ll take that bet.

FAUST holds out a gem.

FAUST: Boom!

The gem knocks the boys unconscious. The curtain closes. B-Stage opens. We are back under the sea. MER-FLOYD swims in with LILY the MER-GNOME.

LILY: What a magical afternoon this has been, Floyd!
FLOYD: Tell me about it, Lily. We went on a picnic, you showed me your collection of discarded trash –
LILY: Those are precious artifacts from the world on land, Floyd.
FLOYD: Lily. Take it from someone who’s been there. Those are forks and hairbrushes and pornographic magazines.
LILY: Yes, but it’s a veritable library of DNA!
FLOYD: Um, gross.
LILY: You know what would make this day perfect, Floyd?
FLOYD: Sandwich and a BJ?
LILY: …if you would sing me a song.
FLOYD: Your wish is my command.
Sings:
Lil, we’ve had some good times
In the salty, briny sea,
You gotta know no other Mer-Gnome
Has ever meant as much to me,
But the time has come for Floyd
To return to the dry land –
To shed his flippy-floppy fish tail
And once more walk upon the sand.
But someday I’ll return to you
Whenever I may dream
And all that separates us
Will not be all it seems
Yes, Lily I’ll return to you
One bright magical day
And if I don’t I’m fairly sure that you’re
A hallucination anyway.

Spoken:
LILY: I love you, Floyd Fiftynames, wandering Mer-Gnome minstrel!
FLOYD: And Lily, you’ve got real nice hair and killer boobies. For seriously.

B-Stage closes as A-Stage opens to reveal FLOYD, GUY, BRIX, VIRGIL, and CHRIS TENNISON stripped to their breeches, hanging by their arms in chains in a dungeon. Alongside them are ETHAN, ART, and ZARIN. FAUST enters.

FAUST: Wakey-wakey.
ART: (stirs) What? Well, if it isn’t a Morningstar Abbey reunion. Gotta say you could’ve picked a better venue.
VIRGIL: Sorry. Faust was in charge of the party planning committee.
ETHAN: What do you want, Faust?
FAUST: The guest of honor is here. (Announcing) His Eminence, Cardinal Nikolai!

NIKOLAI enters, a skeevy figure clad in scarlet. He oozes evil.

NIKOLAI: So good to see you all, especially you boys.
GUY: What do you want with us?
NIKOLAI: I’m here to offer you your freedom… and jobs.
CHRIS TENNISON: Jobs?
NIKOLAI: Yes. You boys have an important lineage, as I’m sure you well know. I could use you as agents of the Church.
BRIX: Not interested.
VIRGIL: Yeah, thanks but no thanks, Nikki. The year of the Ram won’t be a part of your plans, I’m afraid.
NIKOLAI: Oh, you misunderstand me. I don’t need you to accept. It’s purely out of the goodness of my own heart that I even make the offer. I already have at least one of your kind at my disposal, and that’s more than I require.
BRIX: What are you talking about?
NIKOLAI: In good time, Brixmore. Why don’t I give you a few more minutes to think it over? Faust, kill the other two.

NIKOLAI exits. FAUST looks to ETHAN and ART and smiles. He approaches them, but GUY summons all his strength and breaks through his chains, freeing BRIX, VIRGIL, and ZARIN in the process. VIRGIL leaps onto FAUST’s back and begins strangling him with his chain, while GUY starts whipping FAUST with his. BRIXMORE starts to free the others.

BRIX: Zarin, a little help?
ZARIN: My name is not Zarin. It’s Linus.
BRIX: Okay, Linus, A LITTLE HELP?
ZARIN: I’m going to find my swords.

ZARIN exits. BRIX frees FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON.

BRIX: Son of a bitch.

FLOYD frees ART and ETHAN. FAUST throws VIRGIL off, but in the process, GUY gets a hold of FAUST’s sword.

FAUST: Oops.
ART: Quickly, Brixmore, follow me!

ART and BRIXMORE exit, ART shutting the door behind them just as FAUST reaches it. FAUST pulls at the handle, but his efforts are futile – ART has locked the door. He turns to face the boys and ETHAN, who are closing in on him, GUY brandishing the sword.

FAUST: This isn’t over.
GUY: Maybe not.

GUY runs FAUST through with the sword. FAUST dies.

FLOYD: But your character’s part in it certainly is.

ETHAN takes the keys from FAUST’s belt and begins unlocking everyone’s chains.

ETHAN: We don’t have much time.
VIRGIL: Where are Brix and Art?

As if on cue, BRIX and ART return with the gang’s weapons, including the Shiva sword, but not the Imperial Scepter.

CHRIS TENNISON: Sweet! Our weapons.
GUY: Where’s the rest of it?
ART: From what I’ve overheard from some of the other prisoners in my time here, a lot of adventurer’s gear gets funneled back through the magic shop.

GUY, in a rage, begins chopping FAUST’s body into small pieces.

ETHAN: What’s wrong with him?
BRIX: He’s got issues.
ART: Quickly, let’s get out of here.
ETHAN: Wait. We’ve got at least one stop to make on the way.

Curtain closes. B-Stage opens to reveal NIKOLAI’s chambers. A large summoning circle is on the floor. The whole group enters.

VIRGIL: Why’d you bring us here, Ethan?
ETHAN: See that summoning circle?
BRIX: Hachi-machi! That’s some infernal business right there.
ETHAN: Guy, you like smash?
GUY: I’m not a cretin. But yes, Guy like smash.
ETHAN: Well, smash the be-jesus out of that for me.

GUY obliges. The rest of the boys have fun trashing this room.

FLOYD: It’s fun to smash things!

NIKOLAI enters.

NIKOLAI: You little assholes! That summoning circle took years and the blood of countless innocents to create! Where am I going to find countless innocents at this time of night?
VIRGIL: Now what, Ethan?
ETHAN: Now we run.

GUY, VIRGIL, ETHAN, CHRIS TENNISON, FLOYD, BRIX, and ART run out of the room.

NIKOLAI: Those little punks are sooooo dead.

B-Stage closes. A-Stage curtain opens to reveal the magic shop. The SHOPKEEP is closing up for the night, when VIRGIL, GUY, FLOYD, BRIX, and CHRIS TENNISON enter.

VIRGIL: Not so fast, cowboy.
SHOPKEEP: You! What are you doing here?
GUY: We’ve come for our stuff.
SHOPKEEP: What stuff?
GUY: Is that how we’re going to do this?
SHOPKEEP: I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
GUY: Floyd.
FLOYD:
Sings:
In days long ago at the Morningstar Abbey –
Spoken:
SHOPKEEP: Uncle! Uncle. Here’s your stuff.

SHOPKEEP hands them a trunk labeled, “HERO THINGS.”

VIRGIL: Much obliged.
SHOPKEEP: There you go, now get out.
CHRIS TENNISON: Hey, maybe we want to do a little shopping.
SHOPKEEP: We’re closed.
BRIX: But we –
SHOPKEEP: (losing his temper) Get out!

GUY, frustrated, chops the SHOPKEEP in twain.

VIRGIL: Guy! GOD-DAMN!
BRIX: (sighs) Come on, lads. Let’s go.

The party exits. The Magic Shop flies out as the Shield Splitter Inn flies in. The party enters.

VIRGIL: So I talked with Eric. We’re going to have a meeting at the Cracked Flagon with him, Ethan, Samarid, Garam, and anybody else they think is relevant.
GUY: The topic?
VIRGIL: Everything. The Harvester, Nikolai, losing the Imperial Scepter to Nikolai, and Doogal.
CHRIS TENNISON: That’s quite a list.
FLOYD: We should probably also mention goblins.
GUY: Fine. But no singing about it.

A GNOME enters.

GNOME: Greetings, fellow Gnomes!
FLOYD: Greetings, Gnome! What brings you here to the Shield Splitter Inn today, because that’s totally where we are right now.
GNOME: I’m seeking out fine Gnomes like you to represent all of Gnome-kind at an upcoming Gnome convention to be held in three month’s time in the nation of the Bodian Protectorates.
FLOYD: Really? Who’s going to be there?
GNOME: Bunch of gnomes.
FLOYD: Ooh! I want to go!
GUY: We’ll see.
FLOYD: (to the audience) We totally didn’t get to go, by the way. (to the GNOME) Thanks for the good word, sir!
GNOME: Great! See you there!

GNOME exits.

BRIX: Well, are we ready to go to the Cracked Flagon?
CHRIS TENNISON: I’m ready!
VIRGIL: Me, too!
FLOYD: Yep.
GUY: Well, let’s go.
CHRIS TENNISON: This kind of feels like the end of a part. Is it, Floyd?
FLOYD: Almost. We still have this meeting to go to, and THAT’S the end of the part.
BRIX: So is this meeting going to be important?
FLOYD: Oh, yes… for in the next act is the famous Battle of the Cracked Flagon.
CHRIS TENNISON: Cool!
VIRGIL: Wait. Why is it so famous?
FLOYD: You know, I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet.
GUY: Your storytelling techniques leave something to be desired.
FLOYD: Your face leaves something to be desired.

GUY brandishes his axe.

VIRGIL: Goddamn, Guy!

Curtain closes.

END OF ACT V