Session 6 (cont.) & 7: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part II: Ripening Just in Time for Harvest
ACT III

The curtain opens, revealing a village of mud & straw huts in a swamp. FLOYD enters.

FLOYD: Hi there, folks, Floyd Fiftynames here. Since the last time you saw us, we’ve come out to the Lizardfolk village, looking for Arthur – the kid that disappeared, and his parents want him back, and Havern sent us out to find – and, well, we found him. He’s laid up in this village, recovering from a snakebite. Now, you might be saying to yourselves, “why, the Lizardfolk took him in and cared for him? What a friendly, right-nice bunch group of reptile-folk.” And you would be half right.

LIKOLIK enters, the Lizardfolk shaman. His hostility to FLOYD is evident.

LIKOLIK: Insolent fool! Unbeliever! What are you doing here, in our village?
FLOYD: (to audience) This is Likolik, the Lizardfolk shaman. I’d say he’s kind of a dick, but that wouldn’t be fair to the concept of “kind of.” (to LIKOLIK) Hi, Likolik. My friends and I are just –
LIKOLIK: Silence! I do not care to hear the lies that come from your heathen lips! May the power of Krissk strike you down!

BRICKA enters. BRICKA is the Lizardfolk chieftan.

BRICKA: Easy there, now, Likolik. No need to go around getting your blood pressure all riled up there, right?
LIKOLIK: Chief Bricka, I urge you to purge our village of these outsiders, along with the child they seek.
BRICKA: They’ll be on their way soon enough. Meantime, perhaps a demonstration in Lizardfolk hospitality would be good for our image in these lands, don’t you think?
LIKOLIK: A terrible fate shall befall this entire village for harboring these infidels!

LIKOLIK storms off.

BRICKA: Sorry about him. He’s been in a bad mood ever since his son ran off to work for some mysterious Doogie fella.
FLOYD: Meh. I’m not too worried about it, Bricka. You guys have been very kind to us, with the exception of Likolik and his contigent, and I think once we’re out of the village, none of us will ever even think about this encounter again.
BRICKA: Speaking of which, here comes young Arthur and your friends.

GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and HIRSUTE enter with ARTHUR, a lad of about fifteen years.

BRIX: Look who’s feeling better!
ARTHUR: I sure am, thanks to you, Master Brixmore, and the fine Lizardfolk doctors.
HIRSUTE: Well, are you ready to go home, now?
ARTHUR: Actually, I think I’m ready to go find Thuenger’s Hammer!
GUY: Arthur, we promised we’d bring you home safely to your family.
ARTHUR: Then it sounds like you guys are coming with me!
BRIX: Party meeting!

BRIX, FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE gather.

FLOYD: We are not going after this hammer.
BRIX: I don’t know, I think it would be a pretty good find.
VIRGIL: The boy wants to be an adventurer, right? Let’s give him a taste of adventure.
FLOYD: Yeah, but I think Likolik is not going to like –
GUY: Then it’s settled. We go after the hammer. Come along, pipsqueak!

Exeunt. The Lizardfolk village flies out as the swamp flies in.

HIRSUTE: Did I ever tell you guys how much I loved the swamp?
VIRGIL: No.
HIRSUTE: Hmm. Well, think about that.

Suddenly, LIKOLIK and a gang of other LIZARDMEN descend on the group.

LIKOLIK: Impudent dogs! You shall not desecrate the holy shrine of Krissk!

A scuffle ensues that ends with GUY beheading LIKOLIK; the other LIZARDMEN are dispatched as well.

FLOYD: Ha! That’s one way to get a “head” of yourself!

The other s groan.

BRIX: That’s awful, Floyd.
FLOYD: Oh, come on, it’s not that bad! What’re you guys made of, stone?

A BASILISK enters, it’s gaze turning ARTHUR into stone!

VIRGIL: Basilisk!

Fight.

FLOYD: Hey, you know what I just realized?
GUY: That we’re fighting a Basilisk, and maybe we should all concentrate on that?
FLOYD: No, although, decent point – however, I just realized that we’ve gone quite a while without someone breaking into song.
VIRGIL: What does that have to do with –

Mid-sentence, VIRGIL gets caught in the BASILISK’s gaze attack and is turned to stone.

GUY: Look, maybe we shouldn’t do this now?
FLOYD: Well, it is a puppet musical, after all. It would be a real shame if someone didn’t start singing soon.
BRIX: Are you insane? The last thing you want is to do something that makes this blasted beast look at you!
FLOYD: Fine. I’ll do it.
Sings
Fight, fight, fight!
Now it’s time to fight!
Fight, fight –

The BASILISK looks at FLOYD and turns him to stone.

HIRSUTE: Floyd! He’s been turned to stone!

BRIX fells the BASILISK with a mighty blow.

BRIX: Well, I suppose we should be getting back to the Lizardfolk village to find a Stone to Flesh potion.
GUY: In a minute. First, I want to sit here and enjoy the quiet.

A long moment of silence.

Okay, now we can go back.

GUY, BRIX, and HIRSUTE exit. The swamp flies out as we return to the Lizardfolk village. BRICKA enters, meeting the remains of the gang.

BRICKA: Hi there, fellas.
GUY: You got Stone to Flesh?
BRICKA: Maybe… in Likolik’s hut.

BRIX exits into the hut.

Of course, I don’t know if he’d approve of you being in there.

GUY rolls out LIKOLIK’s severed head.

GUY: You want to ask him permission?
BRICKA: Wow. You’re lucky I’m mild mannered. Did he attack you?
GUY: Ambushed us in the swamp.
BRICKA: Well, I suppose he had it coming, then.

BRIX enters with some vials.

BRIX: Sure enough.
GUY: Good. We’ll rest here the night and head over in the morning.

Exeunt. The village flies out as we shift to deep under the sea, in a tropical paradise. Fish swim around. FLOYD enters, bewildered. We only see him from the waist up.

FLOYD: What? What’s going on? Where am I?

A drop-dead gorgeous female GNOME enters.

LILY: Hi, there! I’m Lily!
FLOYD: Well, hello there, Lily. Floyd Fiftynames, wandering minstrel. How are you?
LILY: My, my! The Floyd Fiftynames?
FLOYD: That’s right.
LILY: We’ve heard of your songs and adventures!
FLOYD: Really? Well, Lily, I must confess I know nothing about you or where I am even, except to say that we seem to be underwater.
LILY: Well, of course we’re under water, silly! Where else would the Mer-gnomes live?
FLOYD: Mer-gnomes?
LILY: Let me rub your shoulders.

LILY swims over to FLOYD. For the first time, we see her bottom section – a large, green fish-tail.

FLOYD: Geep!
LILY: What’s the matter?
FLOYD: You’re a mer-gnome!
LILY: Why sure I am, and so are you!

FLOYD looks down and gaps, then swims up, revealing that he, too is a Mer-gnome!

FLOYD: Wow! I’m a mer-gnome, too? How did this happen?
LILY: (giggles) You’re funny, Floyd Fiftynames, wandering minstrel.
FLOYD: Well, when in –
LILY: Mer-gnomia –
FLOYD: - Mer-gnomia, do as the mer-gnomians do, am I right? What do the mer-gnomians do, anyway?
LILY: Mostly we sing!
FLOYD: Sounds like my kind of people!
Sings
Way down in the ocean where the water’s deep
You will find the place where the mer-gnomes sleep
LILY:
A mer-gnome is a creature with a shiny tail
Wearing funny underwater hats and riding on whales
FLOYD & LILY:
Oh, the mer-gnomes!
To be a mer-gnome
Is to enjoy seafood every day
And always for to laugh our cares away
Now that I’m a mer-gnome
I think I want to call it home
It’s a friendly, happy place, and I look forward to my stay!
Spoken:
FLOYD: Whee! I’m gonna be a mer-gnome forever!
LILY: Let’s go do it in that sunken galleon over there!
FLOYD: How do we… look at me, asking too many questions. Let’s go!

FLOYD & LILY exit. Under the Sea flies out and we return to the swamp and the stone statues. GUY, BRIX, and HIRSUTE enter.

HIRSUTE: How’s that Stone to Flesh supposed to work, anyway?
BRIX: I remember watching Dr. Ethan use it. You’re supposed to apply it gently to the forehead.

BRIX smashes a vial on VIRGIL’s head. VIRGIL turns back from stone to normal.

VIRGIL: anything? That’s the dumbest – oh. Hey guys. What happened?
HIRSUTE: Basilisk.
VIRGIL: Oh.

BRIX smashes a vial on ARTHUR, who also turns back.

ARTHUR: Ow!
HIRSUTE: You all right there, kid?
ARTHUR: Yeah, I think so. I don’t think I want to be an adventurer anymore.
GUY: Good kid. The world doesn’t need more of us. It needs more good, honest farmer folk like yourself.
ARTHUR: Actually, I was thinking about becoming a wandering minstrel, like Floyd.

Beat.

GUY: So help me God I will turn you back into stone.

BRIX smashes a vial on FLOYD.

FLOYD:
Sings
Oh, to be mer-gnome!
A flippy-floppy mer-gnome!
Spoken
Hey, where did my tail go?
ARTHUR: On second thought, maybe farming isn’t so bad.
BRIX: There’s one more statue here that hasn’t been eaten away by the Basilisk or time. Want I should rectify this?
VIRGIL: Go ahead. Let’s hear why he’s out here.

BRIX smashes a vial on the last statue, which turns out to be an ELF.

ELF: What? Where am I?
VIRGIL: You were turned to stone by a Basilisk. We just set you free.
ELF: For that, I thank you.
GUY: Why are you out in the swamp?
ELF: I seek Thuenger’s Hammer. I have been set on this commission by my employer, a man named Doogal.

Chord.

VIRGIL: Him again? What do you know about this Doogal fella?
ELF: Not much. I actually haven’t even met him. I work for him through his agent, Gruth, whom I am supposed to meet back at the Old Mill when I find the hammer.
GUY: The Old Mill, you say?
ELF: Yes, and I’ll thank you not to stand in my way.
GUY: Is that a threat?
ELF: Take it for what you will. Now, stand out of my way before I strike you down.

GUY brandishes his axe.

GUY: Try it.

The ELF and GUY fight and GUY cuts him down.

FLOYD: That’s quite a body count you’re working on there, brother.
GUY: He was kind of asking for it.
FLOYD: Hey, who’s arguing? Let’s get back to Dreia.

Exeunt all but FLOYD.

So, we dropped the kid off back at his house, and his parents and little sister were really grateful to see him. I wish I could say that would be the last we ever saw of them. Unfortunately, a few days later, we found ourselves back at the Old Mill.

GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and HIRSUTE enter as the Old Mill set flies back in.

I’m sorry, did I say a few days later? I meant nights. Because that’s what time it was when we arrived.

The sun goes out and the moon flies in.

GUY: Looks like we’re camping here tonight.
FLOYD: I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have timed ourselves to come out here in the morning.
VIRGIL: We’re not going out to it in the dead of night.
FLOYD: No, we’re just camping outside of it, which is a million times smarter.
HIRSUTE: How about a little music?
FLOYD: Fine – I’m not really in the mood, but…
Sings
He’s the gnome with no home, he lives all alone
leaving sadness and heartbreak wherever he roams
he can’t live in the deep rock or the shallow loam,
he just wanders around ‘cause he’s the gnome with no home.

And someday he may write a tome while ensconced in a dome,
but it can’t be his dwelling cause that counts as a home,
his name is Jerome, I’m gonna buy him a comb
if I can find out where to leave it for this poor, homeless gnome.

Spoken

BRIX: Well, I’m tired. Time to turn in.

Suddenly, a young man runs into the camp site from the wheat fields. This is TOBIAS, and he has torn out his own eyes in terror.

HIRSUTE: Holy dog crap!
TOBIAS: Help me… please help me!
VIRGIL: What the hell happened to you?
TOBIAS: I can’t stop seeing it – the horror!
VIRGIL: What happened, man?
TOBIAS: I am Tobias…. Came here with Gruth – we walked into the wheat field… approaching the mill.

A hard wind starts blowing.

VIRGIL: Where is Gruth? What happened to the rest of your party?
TOBIAS: We tried to approach… but it was, it was – too much for many of them to handle. Gruth himself was overcome, and he told us to go on. The few of us that could, we tried. One by one, they dropped, until there was only me. Then, it happened.
GUY: What happened?
VIRGIL: You’ve got to tell us.
TOBIAS: He abandoned us! He abandoned all of us to our fate! So many ran, and I tried, but I saw him, and now I can’t stop seeing him – I tried, I put my hands in until I could see no more, but try as I might, now I could see him and nothing else!
HIRSUTE: Shit.
GUY: How long has he been out here?
BRIX: From the looks of him, days.

BRIX casts a spell on TOBIAS, who seems to calm down.

Sleep, tortured soul.

TOBIAS passes out, sleeping, yet still fitfully.

HIRSUTE: This is not good, guys. Not good at all.
GUY: You’re right about that, Hirsute MacGuffin. That mill has to be destroyed. Let’s get some sleep.
HIRSUTE: What? We’re still going out there?
GUY: Of course. I’ll take the first watch.

The others start to divvy up watch assignments.

FLOYD: (to HIRSUTE, sotto voce) Wake me up during your watch, okay? I’m gonna get us out of this.
HIRSUTE: Okay.

The gang goes to sleep, with GUY watching. LILY the mer-gnome enters with a sign that says, “Later That Night!”

LILY: Mer-gnomes!

LILY exits. GUY is now asleep and HIRSUTE is on watch. HIRSUTE approaches FLOYD.

HIRSUTE: Psst. Floyd.
FLOYD: Is everyone else asleep?
HIRSUTE: I think so.
FLOYD: Good.

FLOYD approaches GUY.

Sorry, brother.

FLOYD grabs HIRSUTE’s staff and knocks GUY out cold.

HIRSUTE: Bats! What are you doing?

VIRGIL wakes with a start, and sees what’s happening. He then sneaks off.

FLOYD: What’s necessary, my friend. My deluded brother will not rest until we visit this Old Mill. Well, Floyd Fiftynames has a better idea. I’m gonna take this here torch and just burn the sucker to the ground.
HIRSUTE: Are you sure that will work?
FLOYD: No. But the whole place is surrounded by ripe wheat. If we’re lucky, we’ll burn another mill down and not even know about it!
HIRSUTE: Hey, where’s Virgil?
FLOYD: Aw, cow shit! That could hinder the plan something fierce.

FLOYD crosses to BRIX.

Hey, Brixmore, wake up.
BRIX: Huh? What? What’s the matter?
HIRSUTE: Virgil has disappeared.
BRIX: Oh, no. Well, let’s wake up Guy and go find him.
FLOYD: Yeah, about that… I sort of knocked Guy out senseless.
BRIX: You what? Why did you do that?
FLOYD: Because he wants to visit the old mill!
BRIX: I want to visit the Old Mill, too, are you gonna knock me out?
FLOYD: I’m starting to wish I had.

BRIX crosses to GUY.

What are you doing?
BRIX: I’m healing your brother, what does it look like?
FLOYD: It looks like you are foiling a perfectly good plan!
HIRSUTE: I don’t know, Floyd, maybe we should just go to the Old Mill. It does seem pretty evil.
FLOYD: Et tu, Hirsute? I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

BRIX brings GUY to.

GUY: What happened?
BRIX: Don’t get mad.
GUY: Who?
BRIX: Floyd.
GUY: Son of a bitch.
FLOYD: You want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

FLOYD rears back and prepares to throw a lit torch into the wheat field. Suddenly, an arrow knocks the torch from his hand.

What the hell?
VIRGIL: He’s disarmed! Get him, boys!

GUY & BRIX tackle FLOYD and tie him up.

FLOYD: Hey! Stop it!
GUY: Shut up! You’re lucky I don’t bust your jaw in!
FLOYD: I’m telling you, that mill does not need to be messed with!
BRIX: Floyd, we are adventurers. Adventures are about the forces of good fighting evil. Did you think it was going to be pleasant?
VIRGIL: Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, cousin.
FLOYD: Noted – but I can’t shake the feeling that we are in way over our heads here.
GUY: All we’re doing is investigating.
FLOYD: Well, investigate without me. I’ll stay back here and watch Tobias, make sure he doesn’t start eating caterpillars or something. And I’ll survive with my sanity intact.
GUY: No one’s going to lose their sanity, Floyd.
FLOYD: Really, Guy? What happened to you the first time you approached that mill? Admit it – the reason you’re so gung ho about going back there is because whatever’s hanging from that mill blade has burrowed like a weevil into your brain, and you think that by going back, you can get it out. Well, count me out. I’m staying put.
GUY: That’s… your choice, I guess.
FLOYD: You’re damn right it is. Now untie me.
GUY: No. That’s my choice.

The others go back to bed.

FLOYD: It took me all night to work my way out of those knots, and by the time I was done, the others were set to take their trip out to the mill.
VIRGIL: Last chance, Floyd.
FLOYD: Guess I could say the same, couldn’t I?
GUY: Have it your way. Let’s go.

GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, and HIRSUTE exit.

FLOYD: Looks like it’s just you and me, Toby.
TOBIAS: The agony –
FLOYD: Right back at you, pal.

At this point, the scene shifts between FLOYD & TOBIAS (A) and GUY, BRIX, HIRSUTE, and VIRGIL (B). This effect is achieved by a 2nd puppet stage (B Stage) opening next to the A Stage. This is a device that will be used every now and again.

B STAGE

GUY, BRIX, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE approach the old mill.

BRIX: Brace yourselves, boys. There’s evil in that there mill.

They continue walking.

A STAGE

FLOYD is relaxing against a tree, picking on his lute.

FLOYD:
Sings
Oh-ee-ay –
Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh,

Thunder. Spoken:

Hmph.

Singing:

Oh-ee-ay –

A voice fills the air from the clouds:

CHOIR: Oh-ee-oh-oh-oh!

Spoken:

Floyd: The hell?

The ground begins to shift beneath FLOYD’s feet.

Uh-oh.

B STAGE

The others arrive at the mill. The same foreboding figure hangs from it. The wind whips, at times sounding like whispers.

HIRSUTE: What do we do now?
GUY: We cut him down.
HIRSUTE: (gulp) Oh. Okay.

They walk into the mill.

A STAGE

Singing and chanting from above and below. They are different songs, and they seem discordant, but overall they achieve an unsettling harmony.

FLOYD: This is unlikely to end well.

From below, puppet demons! And from above, puppet angels! FLOYD stands, agog.
Singing

ANGEL:
Let heaven ascend
DEMONS:
Let hell burst forth
ANGELS and DEMONS:
A new age of terror is set to begin!
A war for all of the souls on Earth,
Will be fought in a battle which no one can win!
Unto the world they release him
The one who brings gloom and despair
the skies above crackle and crumble
as a fire is set in the air,
we can hear the Proclaimer weeping
for the souls of an entire age
soon they will all be sleeping
when the Harvester completes his rage!

Spoken:

FLOYD: Aw, crap.

FLOYD runs towards the mill.

B STAGE

The boys are in the mill, looking out at the body.

BRIX: How do we get him down?
VIRGIL: I dunno. Try a blunt crossbow bolt.
HIRSUTE: Okay. Here goes nothing.

Off stage, we hear FLOYD yelling:

FLOYD: Whatever you’re doing, stop!

But it is too late. HIRSUTE fires the bolt, which misses the body, and hits the blade instead. Dried and weak due to age, the entire blade snaps, and the body falls into the wheat below. The music crescendos, then dies. FLOYD enters below. The others run downstairs and meet him.

GUY: Where is he?
FLOYD: I don’t know.
GUY: Search the field, quick!

GUY, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE spread out into the field.

FLOYD: Brixmore – you should’ve seen it – the whole sky opened up, and angels and demons were singing about releasing the Harvester, which I guess is this guy, and… it was pretty awesome!
BRIX: Hmm… I wonder.
FLOYD: What?
BRIX: I don’t know what it is about this place, but the magic tied to it must be so strong, the possibility of disturbance seems to bring the whole might of the forces of good and evil to the forefront, at the ready in case reality itself was to be threatened… sundered, even.
FLOYD: Heavy.

GUY, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE re-enter.

GUY: Anything?
VIRGIL: Nothing. He’s gone, cap’n.
GUY: We should have never come to this place.

FLOYD takes a loooonnng look at GUY.

What? I’m just sayin’, is all.
VIRGIL: We need to go and report our findings to Garam.
BRIX: Not me. I’m going to find a church. I need to do some serious meditating on what went on here today.
VIRGIL: Fair enough. Meet us in Dreia, okay?
BRIX: Will do.

BRIX exits.

VIRGIL: Well, let’s go.

GUY, VIRGIL, HIRSUTE, and FLOYD start walking back to Dreia. FLOYD take out his lute and plays:

FLOYD:
Singing:
If we’ve learned anything from this little escapade,
Regarding how to treat the old mill,
It’s that Floyd is always right, we should’ve burned it in the night,
Instead, I find I’m singing still –
Fuck the old mill,
Fuck the old mill,
Fuck the old mill it’s haunted!
Now we’ve got to set it right,
In what’s bound to be a fight,
That we never would’ve had to face if we’d said fuck the old mill!

Curtain closes.

End of Act III
End of Part II