Sessions 10 - 12: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part Three: Puzzles and Traps
Act III

Curtain opens on the Lizardfolk village of Yish, in the town square. There is a rudimentary puppet stage set up (puppet show within a puppet show – deal with that!), where GUY and two LIZARDFOLK are watching a puppet show put on by FLOYD. FLOYD is manipulating a miniature puppet versions of FLOYD, GUY, and an OLD GNOLL.

FLOYD (as puppet FLOYD): And so that’s the story of how my brother Guy and I discovered the a back way in to the heavily fortified fortress at the Bloody Crag. No, we didn’t capture Sikator, but we were able to leave, confident that we had run him out of Yish and the Twilight Lands, and that he’d never hurt the good Lizardfolk in this village again.
Sings
In days long ago in the Lizardfolk village,
We built several puppets for a show in the swamp
And in exchange you all promised to feed me
So bring me a plate for my teeth wish to chomp!

Button. FLOYD comes out from behind the puppet stage and takes several protracted bows. The two LIZARDFOLK grumble, get up, and leave.

Thank you! Thank you! Don’t forget I am totally serious about that meal.
To GUY:
What do you think?
GUY: Brilliant. You perfectly summed up a wasted trip with a wasted afternoon.
FLOYD: Oh, come on! The trip wasn’t a total wash. What about this map of the Twilight Lands that the dwarven messenger we met gave me?
GUY: Okay, that might come in handy someday.
FLOYD: And what about the news the dwarf gave us of the Formian invasion of Britewater?
GUY: Yeah, we need to look into that…
FLOYD: Of course you think we do! So really, a wasted trip?

VIRGIL enters.

Virgil! Good to see you again. What have you been up to?
VIRGIL: Well, I got summoned to meet with Elliott, as you may remember from my letter, and he gave me this fancy map of Arimathea.
FLOYD: That’s right nice of him.
VIRGIL: He also told me that the Eye of Toth is still in the Tower of the Broken Moon.
FLOYD: Who would’ve guessed?

BRIX and HIRSUTE enter.

BRIX: You guys ready to head to the Centaur Run? I think Stonehoof is finally healthy again.

STONEHOOF, a young centaur, enters.

GUY: Sounds good! Let’s go.

The LIZARDFOLK village flies out. We find ourselves on an open plain. The party follows the road.

VIRGIL: I can’t wait to see the look on the Centaur’s faces when we come bring them their missing prince!

Suddenly, the three CENTAURS enter.

CENTAUR #1: Centaurs! Prepare to attack!
HIRSUTE: Attack? Are you serious?
BRIX: We rescued the boy!
CENTAUR #1: Shut up!
CENTAUR #2: We don’t care!
CENTAUR #3: We’re centaurs!

A fight breaks out. The CENTAURS pummel the party roundly, killing HIRSUTE in the process.

VIRGIL: They killed Hirsute!
FLOYD: I am so putting this in my puppet musical!
VIRGIL: Puppet musical? That sounds pretty stupid.
FLOYD: Oh, yeah?

FLOYD and VIRGIL are knocked unconscious by a CENTAUR’s hooves. BRIX and GUY go down. The CENTAURS toss a net over them and drag the gang behind them. The CENTAUR village flies in – it’s a tent city, for the CENTAURS are largely nomadic. The chief, PROUDTAIL, emerges from his tent.

CENTAUR #1: Chief Proudtail! We have returned your son, and brought you his kidnappers!

BRIX comes to.

BRIX: What? No! We’re not his kidnappers! We saved him, and nursed him back to health!
PROUDTAIL: Stonehoof, is this true?
STONEHOOF: I’m hungry papa. May I go eat now?
PROUDTAIL: Most certainly. I will deal with these kidnappers by putting them to death!

A large man enters from PROUDTAIL’s tent. This is MALUS.

MALUS: Who’s getting put to death?
BRIX: Malus!
MALUS: Brixmore?
BRIX: Malus, you have to help us! We rescued Stonehoof, but we’re being set up as his kidnappers!
MALUS: Proudtail, is this true?
PROUDTAIL: (shrugs) Ehhhh…
MALUS: Proudtail, let them go.
PROUDTAIL: But Malus –
MALUS: Proudtail... you owe me.
PROUDTAIL: Very well. Release the prisoners.

The CENTAURS remove the net, haughtily. BRIX revives GUY, VIRGIL, and FLOYD.

BRIX: Guys, guys… this is Malus. He’s a farmer I met while I was apprenticing to become a cleric.
VIRGIL: Um, hi.
MALUS: Hello.
BRIX: What are you doing out here with these centaurs?
MALUS: Long story. What’s with your friend here?
FLOYD: You mean Hirsute? Oh, not much. He’s just dead, is all.
VIRGIL: The centaurs killed him after attacking us unprovoked.
MALUS: Well, it sounds like the centaurs need to correct their mistake. Proudtail?
PROUDTAIL: Hm?
MALUS: Your cleric.
PROUDTAIL: Send for the cleric!

CENTAUR #2 exits.

VIRGIL: Brixmore, how is this guy able to boss the centaurs around like this?
BRIX: I don’t know, I thought he was a farmer.
FLOYD: He must grow some badass oats, then.

CENTAUR #2 re-enters with a CENTAUR SHAMAN.

SHAMAN: All right, who’s the dead one? (Indicates GUY) Him?
FLOYD: Close. No, it’s this bag of bones right here.

FLOYD picks up HIRSUTE. The SHAMAN considers him for a moment.

BRIX: You think you can raise him?
SHAMAN: Not exactly. I’m not that powerful. I can, however, re-incarnate him. His soul will come back to life in a new body.
GUY: What kind of new body?
SHAMAN: That’s up to the god of reincarnation.
BRIX: And who might that be?
SHAMAN: Popao, the Reincarnation Monkey.
Sings
The reincarnation monkey swings from tree to tree
Casting transmutation on everything he sees
And with only a winking eye or a flicker of the tail
You go from being a giant to living as a snail
All hail Popao, his judgement is so random
There’s no way of telling
What you are to become!
Popao! Popao!
Popao! The Reincarnation Monkey!
Spoken:
FLOYD: Can I go on record as saying that I love this idea?
BRIX: I’ll take it one step further. If we want Hirsute to come back to life, this is the only viable idea we’ve got. I don’t have a gentle repose handy, and the chances of finding a cleric with full resurrection capabilities in the rural part of the Twilight Lands is slim.
GUY: So we have no other choice?
BRIX: I’m afraid not.
FLOYD: Well, all right then. When in Centaur Run…
Sings:
It’s time to get funky
With the reincarnation monkey
Maybe he’ll come back chunky
You just never know!
VIRGIL: I am only hesitant
If comes back as something unpleasant
FLOYD: It’s like getting a birthday present
FLOYD & VIRGIL: You just never know!
SHAMAN: Oh-oh, bestow life
Upon this lost soul, bestow life!
Spoken:
SHAMAN: Now, we dance!

The CENTAURS, MALUS, and FLOYD break into exuberant dance. BRIX shrugs, then follows suit. VIRGIL joins in, albeitly more reserved than the others. Finally, GUY joins in. Singing:

ALL:
The reincarnation monkey swings from tree to tree
Casting transmutation on everything he sees
And with only a winking eye or a flicker of the tail
You go from being a giant to living as a snail
All hail Popao, his judgement is so random
There’s no way of telling
What you are to become!
Popao! Popao!
Popao! The Reincarnation Monkey!
Oh-oh, bestow life
Upon this lost soul, bestow life!

The corpse of HIRSUTE explodes in a brilliant flash of light. The other s are knocked back to the ground. When the dust settles, a new human being sits covered in gooey remains.

VIRGIL: Hirsute?
FLOYD: Aw, another human? Weak!
HUMAN: What’s going on? Why am I covered in smoldering intestine?
FLOYD: Because it’s your birthday! You are the reincarnated form of our friend Hirsute MacGuffin, brought back to life by Popao, the Reincarnation Monkey.
HUMAN: Hirsute MacGuffin? That’s an awful name.
BRIX: Well, it’s a fresh start for you. You can call yourself anything you want.
HUMAN: Fine. I’ll be… Chris Tennision.

Off their reactions:

What?
GUY: Nothing… that’s just… almost worse.
FLOYD: Nice to meet you, Chris Tennison.
HUMAN (now CHRIS TENNISON): Charmed. Tell me, what do I do?
VIRGIL: Mostly you fail to hit anything when we fight.
CHRIS TENNISON: Great.
PROUDTAIL: Our debt to you is repaid. It would please me now for you and your party to leave this village.
VIRGIL: Well, that would please us, too, you son of a –
GUY: Virgil! Let it go. We’re off to the Tower of Puzzles.
MALUS: Tower of Puzzles, you say? Listen, let me walk you out.

MALUS, VIRGIL, GUY, FLOYD, BRIXMORE, and CHRIS TENNISON exit the centaur village, which flies out.

If you’re going to the Tower of Puzzles, could I get you to pick up something for me?
BRIX: Sure, Malus. What can we get you?
MALUS: There’s a suit of blue enamel armor up there that I would really like to get my hands on. If you find it, could I have it? I’d be happy to pay for it.
GUY: No problem. We’re headed to Britewater after that.
FLOYD: Are we, now?
GUY: Shut up, Floyd. Could you meet us there?
MALUS: That sounds just fine. Bye, boys!

MALUS turns back and heads for the centaur village. The party continues walking.

GUY: Seems like a nice fellow.

FLOYD turns to the audience as the others continue walking.

FLOYD: And so we trudged into the northern Twilight Lands at the onset of winter, finding ourselves in some extremely cold conditions. Guy and Virgil managed to kill an elk, which we used for food and to make some fancy fur clothing, which we really appreciated. Finally, after a week of travel, we arrived at the Tower of Puzzles. Unsurprisingly, we found the door to be unlocked. Unfortunately, it turns out that the Tower was poorly named, for instead of a series of puzzles, we found ourselves subjected to a series of traps.

From offstage:

VIRGIL: Ow! Spikes!
GUY: Yikes! Needles!
CHRIS TENNISON: Son of bitch! Fire!

FLOYD: Of course, what we found when we reached the top made it worth it. Kind of. For some of us.

The top level of the TOWER of PUZZLES flies in. It is a room with eight doors. In the middle of the room sits a D’JINN. The party enters as FLOYD joins them.

D’JINN: Welcome to the top level of the Tower of Puzzles!
GUY: Worst name ever.

CHRIS TENNISON coughs smoke.

D’JINN: For reaching the top, I am able to offer you this reward: You may choose to enter any of these eight doors and receive a prize. In return, you must pledge to return to the Tower in three year’s time.
VIRGIL: Do we really want to do that?
FLOYD: For fabulous prizes? I’d be willing to give it a go.
D’JINN: How many of you would like to enter a door?
FLOYD: I’ll go in one.
GUY: Me, too.
CHRIS TENNISON: Me three!
VIRGIL: Not me.
BRIX: I’ll take three doors!
D’JINN: Three doors? My, my, what a mighty adventurer! Your wishes are granted!

The D’JINN disappears.

GUY: Well, who’s going first?
FLOYD: I will! I will!

FLOYD opens his door. There is a goblet inside.

Hmm. Goblet with mysterious liquid.

FLOYD drinks.

VIRGIL: No, don’t!
FLOYD: Why not?
VIRGIL: You don’t know what that is! What if it’s poison?
FLOYD: Well, then it’s poison that somehow makes me stronger and tastes like grape. Look!

FLOYD flexes. It’s still not much.

BRIX: Me next! Let me try one of my doors.

BRIX opens a door. A knife flies out and pokes out his left eye.

OW! Owowoowowowowowowowwowow!

VIRGIL: Goddamn!

The others react in horror.

FLOYD: Well… who’s next?
GUY: I’ll go.

GUY approaches his door. He steadies himself, and opens it. Inside, he finds an ion stone.

Neat! Ion stone!
BRIX: (getting mad) Allright, well let’s see what’s behind door number two for Brixmore!

BRIX opens the second door. From within:

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Curse!
BRIX: Aw, dang it!

BRIX tries to storm out but trips and falls down.

FLOYD: Looks like it’s your turn, Chris Tennison.

CHRIS TENNISON opens a door. Inside is a scepter.

CHRIS TENNISON: Wowy wow-wow! A scepter.
GUY: One more door for you, Brix.
BRIX: If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Brix.

BRIX flinches as he opens the door. Inside is a map.

What the hell is this?
VIRGIL: It appears to be a map of some sort.
BRIX: Well, that’s just great! Floyd gets a magic potion –
FLOYD: And a goblet!
BRIX: Guy gets an ion stone, Chris Tennison gets a scepter, and I get a knife in my eye, a curse, and a fucking map!

A pause. It’s too awkward a moment for anyone else to say something intelligent.

WHO BUILT THIS PLACE?!!?

Magical music. The Tower of Puzzles flies out, and the boys find themselves standing in the snowy mountains.

FLOYD: I guess we’ll find out in three years.
BRIX: What a wash. We didn’t even get the armor that Malus wanted us to get.
CHRIS TENNISON: Yes we did. I got it while Floyd was talking to the audience.

CHRIS TENNISON pulls out the armor, along with a painting.

I also got this painting. I’m gonna try and sell it in Britewater.
GUY: Speaking of which, we should be going. To Britewater!
FLOYD: Can we do it the fast way?
GUY: Fine.
FLOYD: All right!
Sings:
So…
Put on your hat.
Wipe off that frown,
And join us in our dance
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
If you just give it a chance!
Stop taking things in a literal sense
And the Fiftynames Express will finally commence
ALL: We’ve got to get away
To Britewater today!

Button. The snowy mountains fly out to reveal a cave.

FLOYD: Hm. Britewater looks a little smaller than I thought.
GUY: Floyd, where did your stupid song take us?
BRIX: Guy – it wasn’t Floyd’s song… it was my map! Look, this is the place where it leads to. The map must’ve used Floyd’s song magic to take us here.
VIRGIL: Well, let’s check out this cave.

The boys go inside. There, they find a chest.

BRIX: Finally! It’s about time I got something out of that tower.

BRIX opens the chest and pulls out a sword in a scabbard, crackling with electricity.

VIRGIL: What is that?
GUY: I don’t know, but I bet we can get it appraised in Britewater. Shall we? The regular way this time.
FLOYD: You’re no fun, you know that?

The part exits. The cave flies out and the city of Britewater, a northwestern port city bustling with activity, flies in. The boys enter the city.

GUY: Well, here we are. Britewater!
BRIX: Look, there’s a cathedral! I’m gonna go get my curse removed.

BRIX exits.

GUY: Virgil, let’s go find an inn for us to stay at while we’re here.
VIRGIL: Okay.

VIRGIL & GUY exit.

FLOYD: Look, Chris Tennison! An art dealer! Let’s go sell your painting.

FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON go to the art dealership. An ART DEALER greets them.

ART DEALER: Hello, I’m an art dealer, and that’s all you need to know about me.
FLOYD: Right on. How much for this goblet?
ART DEALER: A thousand gold, but you could get a much better deal for it in Compassgate.
FLOYD: Thank you, honest art dealer.
ART DEALER: Don’t mention it.
CHRIS TENNISON: What about this painting?
ART DEALER: Three hundred gold.
CHRIS TENNISON: No way! It’s worth a lot more than that!
ART DEALER: Have it your way.
CHRIS TENNISON: What about this scepter?
ART DEALER: Scepter? I –

As the ART DEALER sees the scepter, his eyes light up.

Oh, my yes, I would love to have that! Five thousand gold.
CHRIS TENNISON: Five thousand? What’s so special about it?
ART DEALER: Ten thousand!
CHRIS TENNISON: On second thought, it’s not for sale. Come on, Floyd, let’s get out of here.

FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON hurry out of there.

Boy, he sure wanted this scepter.
FLOYD: He sure did. Wonder what’s so special about it?

FLOYD casts. ERIC’s head appears.

ERIC: Yes?
FLOYD: Hey, Eric, what’s so special about this scepter?
ERIC: Is there anything written on the side?
FLOYD: Yeah, it says, “Imperial Scepter.”
ERIC: Well, there’s your answer.
VOICE of ABBOTT TERIS: Thank you for using the Abbot Teris death link message service.

ERIC’s head disappears.

FLOYD: Imperial Scepter, huh?

BRIX enters.

Hey, Brix. Still cursed?
BRIX: No, they fixed it.
CHRIS TENNISON: What was the curse?
BRIX: Compelled celibacy.
FLOYD: Ooh. No thank you.

GUY and VIRGIL enter.

GUY: We need to get to the church, fast.
BRIX: What’s wrong?
VIRGIL: Guy drew this sword to take a look at it, and it killed everyone in the inn we were in.
FLOYD: You stabbed them with it?
GUY: No, all I did was draw it!
VIRGIL: And written on the sword are the words, “Lo I am Death.”
GUY: It’s an Apocalypse sword!
VIRGIL: A fucking Apocalypse sword!
BRIX: The church?
GUY & VIRGIL: The church!

The boys exit. The church flies in. The party enters to find a PRIEST and the BISHOP.

FLOYD: It’s the Bishop!
BISHOP: Hello.
BRIX: Your excellency –
BISHOP: Ah, Brixmore, good to see you again. I’m just about to go up to a meeting. Why don’t you boys come with me?
BRIX: We really need to talk to you!
BISHOP: Then come to the meeting. We’ll talk there.

The BISHOP exits, followed by the PRIEST, then BRIXMORE, GUY, and VIRGIL. FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON are about to go, too, when MALUS enters.

MALUS: Hi there!
FLOYD: Hi, Malus!
CHRIS TENNISON: We got your armor!
MALUS: Hey, great. Where you guys headed?
FLOYD: To a meeting with the Bishop.
MALUS: Sounds good. Let me put this on, and I’ll join you.

MALUS exits in one direction, and FLOYD and CHRIS TENNISON follow after the BISHOP. The interior of the church flies out as a meeting room flies in. The BISHOP, GUY, VIRGIL, BRIX, FLOYD, and CHRIS TENNISON enter only to find themselves face to face with FAUST.

GUY: Faust!
VIRGIL: Son of a crap!
FAUST: Well, well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise.

FAUST raises his gloved hand, and one of his rings starts to glow. Suddenly, MALUS enters, decked out in his blue enamel armor. FAUST blanches at the sight.

Malus!
MALUS: Hello, Faust. Welcome to hell.

MALUS laughs.

Nice glove.
FLOYD: Oh, snap!

FAUST aims his glove at MALUS, but MALUS charges and knocks FAUST through the wall. The two tumble out into the courtyard four stories below. At this point a PRIEST enters.

PRIEST: Your Excellency, the city is over-run by Formians!
BRIX: Your Excellency –
BISHOP: Brixmore. Now’s not a good time to talk.

Curtain closes.

End of Act III