Session 8: Floy'd Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey Part Three: Puzzles and Traps
Act I

Open at GARAM’s house. GARAM sits in a big chair, clutching his forehead and a stiff drink. GUY, VIRGIL, HIRSUTE, & FLOYD surround him.

GARAM: I thought your investigation into the Old Mill was to be a fact-finding mission.
VIRGIL: Oh, we found lots of facts, all right.
FLOYD: Fact - the Old Mill is to be avoided.
HIRSUTE: Fact – whatever was hanging from the Old Mill’s blades has now escaped.
VIRGIL: Fact – this was mostly Guy’s fault.
GUY: Rage… swelling…
GARAM: What? Listen, shut up. We’re clear. Thank you for your… work. Now, to the next point… wasn’t there a dwarf in this group the last time I saw you?
VIRGIL: Oh, right. Brix said he had some praying and thinking to do. He’ll meet up with us later.
GARAM: Fine, fine – anyway, as it turns out, an associate of mine knows him. A Doctor Ethan?
FLOYD: Dr. Ethan? Yeah, we know that guy!
GARAM: Good for you. Anyway, he’s staying at the Cracked Flagon right now. He’s off on a mission of sorts, and could use some help.
VIRGIL: We’re on it. (The party starts out; but VIRGIL stops) Just out of curiosity, how do YOU know Dr. Ethan?
GARAM: We belong to an organization dedicated to… handling things.
GUY: The same organization that Brother Jarrod belonged to?
GARAM: Brother Jarrod? Who’s that?
HIRSUTE: Just some dickhead those guys knew at the Abbey.
GARAM: Really? Because Ethan once gave me a roster of all the brothers at the Morningstar Abbey, and there was no Jarrod listed.
GUY: He’s the blacksmith. Has been since we were very little.
GARAM: Hmm. According to the list, Mortimer was the name of the blacksmith.
VIRGIL: Interesting. We’ll have to check that out.
GARAM: Anyway, there’ s no Jarrod in our organization. Off with you, now!

GARAM exits as his house flies out. A little traveling music as they walk, and the exterior for the Cracked Flagon flies in. Several CENTAURS enter.

HIRSUTE: Neat! Centaurs!
FLOYD: Hi there, Centuars. Floyd Fiftynames here, wandering min-
CENTUAR #1: Shut up!
CENTAUR #2: We don’t care!
CENTAUR #3: We’re centaurs!
FLOYD: Ohhhhkay. (to the others) What gives with these guys?
VIRGIL: Why don’t you ask them?
FLOYD: (to the centaurs) What gives with you guys?
CENTAUR #1: Shut up!
CENTAUR #2: You clearly don’t have what we’re looking for!
CENTAUR #3: We’re centaurs!
FLOYD: Scintillating.
GUY: What are you looking for?
CENTAUR #1: Shut up!
CENTAUR #2: That is none of your –
FLOYD: Annnd we’re done. I’m going inside. Have fun being assholes.
CENTAUR #3: We’re centaurs!

The party exits into the Flagon. Open to reveal Flagon’s interior as the CENTAURS exit. Inside are TOK, GRAHAM, and a few regulars.

GUY: What was that all about?
GRAHAM: Well –
FLOYD: Can we not?
GUY: What? Why not?
FLOYD: Have you noticed that every time someone tells us about their problem, it becomes ours?
TOK: Funny you should mention that –
FLOYD: It’s many things, but it is not funny.
TOK: You remember that kid you guys rescued, Arthur?
VIRGIL: Wow, word travels fast. Yeah, what about him?
TOK: His father is a farmer who runs deliveries for me as a side venture. Haven’t seen him in a while, and I was hoping someone could run up to his farm and check on him for me.
FLOYD: What’s his name?
TOK: You know, I can’t remember.
FLOYD: Then who wants to bet against me that he’s not already a corpse?

GRAHAM and GUY are whispering to each other. Suddenly, GUY says loudly:

GUY: So the Centaur chieftan’s son is missing, huh?
FLOYD: Oh, god –
GRAHAM: Yeah, and the centaurs are out in force trying to find him.
FLOYD: -dammit.

ETHAN enters from upstairs.

ETHAN: Boys! Good to see you.
VIRGIL: Hi, Doc.
ETHAN: Where’s Brix?
VIRGIL: He’s off meditating because of some stuff that happened when we checked out the Old Mill.
ETHAN: The Old Mill? Fuck that place.
FLOYD: Thank you.
ETHAN: So, you guys feel like helping me out on a project?
VIRGIL: What kind of project?

The Flagon flies out with TOK, GRAHAM, and the regulars. We are now in a clearing at night. It is cold and misty, and there is a large stone center.

ETHAN: You know, just your standard Dr. Ethan project.
GUY: What are we doing here?
ETHAN: Check out this stone, Guy. Notice anything special about it?
GUY: Not really.
ETHAN: Concentrate on it. Use that righteous indignation I know you’ve got in you.

The stone begins to glow red.

GUY: Holy crap!
ETHAN: Not quite – it’s unholy! That red glow you see –
HIRSUTE: Red glow? What in the bug-eyed dogshit is he talking about?
ETHAN: Quiet! That glow is the residue of an evil presence, and one that our friend Guy has the ability to sense. It would behoove him well to take advantage of this in the future.
HIRSUTE: Nice. So you brought us out here to look at an evil rock.
VIRGIL: Hirsute –
HIRSUTE: MacGuffin!
VIRGIL: - has a point, Doc. Why did you bring us out here?
ETHAN: For a meeting.

ETHAN casts. A translucent net drops down over the puppets.

FLOYD: What just happened?
VIRGIL: I think we’re invisible.

ETHAN pulls out a coin and holds it up.

GUY: What is that?
ETHAN: One of the twelve pieces.
HIRSUTE: Twelve pieces of what?
FLOYD: Oooh! Can I?

FLOYD summons his pipe and begins to play as ETHAN narrates under.

ETHAN: Before the church, there were only the pagan gods. Then one day, a man came along who claimed that the pagan gods did not exist and that only through the one true God would there be salvation. The man was tried and convicted, and as was the custom during those days, he was found guilty by one of his peers, a man, who, as it turns out, had been paid 12 pieces of silver to find him guilty by the Emperor (this man is known as The Betrayer). The man was hanged and killed, only to immediately descend from heaven in spirit form, reiterating his message, and thus, the Church of the One True God was born.

Music ends.

GUY: So you’re saying you have one of the twelve pieces of silver used to betray the Proclaimer?
ETHAN: Actually, I have three.
FLOYD: Dag! Brix is going to be pissed that he missed this!
ETHAN: Quiet, now. Here they come.

Eerie music. A black carriage pulls up, drawn by a black horse with its eyes gouged out and a mechanical driver, who stops the carriage, gets out, and performs a ritual on the stone. The stone begins to glow brighter, and a WOMAN of supernatural beauty steps out.
Whispered:

FLOYD: And who the hell is that?
ETHAN: The Queen of the Fey.
FLOYD: Seriously?
ETHAN: Yes! Shhh.
HIRSUTE: I have to go to the bathroom.

The driver opens the door to the carriage, and three individuals step out: a pale, lanky man, a beautiful blonde-haired woman with black eyeballs, and VISGOTH. Holy shit is he scary, and frighteningly charismatic. VISGOTH approaches the FEY QUEEN.

VISGOTH: Blah blah blah blah blah Fey Queen.
FEY QUEEN: Blah, blah blah-blah-blah, Lord Visgoth.
VISGOTH: Blah-blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah…

FLOYD lifts the veil and addresses the audience.

FLOYD: Okay, so I forgot what they talked about! Give me a break. This happened years ago, and as far as I can remember, it’s never affected us directly.

FLOYD slips back under the veil.

FEY QUEEN: Blah blah blah blah.
VISGOTH: Until then.

The FEY QUEEN, looking kind of pissed off, disappears back into the stone. VISGOTH starts back to the carriage, but stops.

Ethan? Is that you?

VISGOTH turns around. He speaks, but it is clear he cannot tell where Ethan is.

I know you’re out here, Ethan, despite your attempts to shield yourself from my powers of detection. Nonetheless, I’m counting on the fact that you can hear me. I just wanted to thank you…

He approaches the woman with black eyeballs.

…for the gift of your daughter. She has served me well as my chief lieutenant.

VISGOTH laughs, as does the woman. For the first time, we can see their vampire fangs. ETHAN moves to attack VISGOTH, but is held back by the party.

VIRGIL: Well, now we know why he brought us!
FLOYD: Easy there, Ethan – easy!
VISGOTH: Until next time, good doctor.

VISGOTH & his retinue climb into the carriage and leave. The boys let go of ETHAN, who collapses on the ground, half sobbing, half catching his breath. He does his best to compose himself quickly.

GUY: Doctor Ethan –
ETHAN: It’s fine. We’d best head back now.

Exeunt. The Cracked Flagon flies in just as the sun is coming up.

HIRSUTE: Ah, the old soup & mattress warehouse! What a sight for sore eyes!
ETHAN: I need to rest.
FLOYD: That makes five of us.
GUY: Not so fast, Floyd.

FLOYD turns sharply to GUY. The others stop, save ETHAN, who continues his trudge and exit into the Cracked Flagon.

FLOYD: Come again?
GUY: We’ve still got a job to do – that farmer that Tok told us about?
FLOYD: And that can’t wait until we’ve had a few hours to sleep and eat?
GUY: In those few hours, he could already be dead.
FLOYD: Um, Guy? Cat already is dead.
GUY: Well, we’ll see about that.

Out flies the Flagon, in flies the interior of a farmhouse. Three CORPSES are on the ground, one of them ARTHUR’S. Their eyes have been cut out.

FLOYD: Hey, hey Guy. You know who won’t see about that?

VIRGIL tromps upstairs.

GUY: Not now, Floyd. Why does this seem so familiar?
HIRSUTE: Does it smell like wheat in here?
FLOYD: Aw, geez…

VIRGIL comes down the stairs, visibly shocked.

VIRGIL: Guys…

A young GIRL enters behind him, with her eyes cut out. She holds a scroll.

FLOYD: Gerf!

Off the girl’s reaction:

I mean, hello, little one! What… um, what’cha got there?
SALLY: The Sickle Man gave this to me. He said to give it to the Tally Man.
HIRSUTE: Sickle man?
VIRGIL: Tally man?
GUY: We have to get this to Ethan. He’ll know what to do.

VIRGIL takes a blanket.

VIRGIL: Here, little girl. Wrap it up in this.

SALLY does so.

GUY: Let’s go.

FLOYD, GUY, VIRGIL, & HIRSUTE exit, with SALLY in tow. The farmhouse flies out and the exterior of the Flagon flies in. ETHAN and TOK are outside, enjoying a smoke.

TOK: Find anything?
GUY: You might say that.

TOK sees SALLY.

TOK: What the hell?

VIRGIL hands ETHAN the scroll in the blanket.

VIRGIL: Ethan… she had this.

ETHAN unwraps the scroll looks at it, then drops it in horror on the ground and sets fire to it and the blanket. He pulls out some herbs and gives them to the party.

ETHAN: Eat this.

As they do:

HIRSUTE: What is it? What’s wrong?
ETHAN: That’s the second most evil thing I’ve ever seen.
GUY: What’s the first –
ETHAN: That scroll is a note from the Harvester to the “Tally Man,” or Grim Reaper. It names the Autumnal Equinox as the date of the great harvest.
VIRGIL: Well, that’s almost a year from now.
GUY: Who is the Harvester?
ETHAN: The Harvester is the manifested spirit of the Betrayer himself. I thought he was safely imprisoned, lynched from the blade of the silo in the Northwestern Twilight Lands that people call the Old Mill.
HIRSUTE: Well, think again. That dude escaped.
ETHAN: This is not good. Not good at all. You boys have really made a mess of things.
FLOYD: That’s what we do best.
GUY: First things first. What do we do with the little one?
ETHAN: I’d take her to Garam. He might have a way of helping her.
TOK: Here – take some liquor with you. Two bottles of fire whiskey and some gnomish blue.
FLOYD: Wow! Thanks!
TOK: Don’t mention it. Sounds like you kids are gonna need it.
VIRGIL: To Garam’s?
BOYS: To Garam’s!

Out goes the Flagon, in comes Garam’s house. GARAM is standing there, in mild disbelief.

GARAM: Ethan told you to bring her here?
VIRGIL: Sure did.
GARAM: Thanks, old friend. Well, okay, I can look after her, but I don’t think I have anything handy to restore her sight.
GUY: Well, where could we find that?
GARAM: There is a place… perhaps… a stronghold north of here, long abandoned by it’s original owner. It’s called the Tower of Puzzles.
VIRGIL: Puzzles? I love puzzles!
GARAM: Oh, then you’ll hate this place.
VIRIGIL: What do you mean?
GARAM: No more questions. I’m tired. Off with you now!

VIRGIL, HIRSUTE, FLOYD, and GUY exit.

Come in, young lady. What’s your name?
SALLY: Sally.
GARAM: Well, hello, Sally. Let’s get you something to eat.

Just now noticing:

And you’re taller than me. Nice.

GARAM and SALLY exit as Garam’s house flies out. We find ourselves on the open road again as the party re-enters.

FLOYD: Have you noticed that I’ve yet to sing a song this whole part of the story?
GUY: Hm. That might account for the happy sensation I’m experiencing right now.
FLOYD: Why don’t I fix that?
Sings:
It can cure your stomach flu
Or beat the germs that say “Achoo!”
And as far as the flavor goes, Its’ among the very best
It’s sure to fix what ails ya
Or whatever should impale ya
It’s perfect for the feller who ain’t got two weeks to rest!
A potion, a potion,
Why just the very notion
Is enough to make my tummy sing!
There’s many kinds of magic
and while some of it is tragic
A potion’s always a good thing!
I once knew a man named Bill
Who was feelin’ mighty ill
From a battle with a minotaur –
He said, “I’m feelin’ woozy,”
And I said, “well, friend you should be –
That hole in you ain’t just a sore!”
He said, “Floyd, it hurts bad –
And by the way, if I might add,
I think I see a bright, white light!”
So I said, “Hang in there, Bill,
Your prescription can be filled,
You aren’t the first to’ve had a fight”
Drink a potion, a potion,
Why just the very notion
Is enough to make my tummy sing!
There’s many kinds of magic
and while some of it is tragic
A potion’s always a good thing!
There are potions that cure pain
There are potions for your brain
There’s even a potion to help you sleep at night
And if you need to get stronger
Or perform your duties longer
I’m sure there’s a potion that would be just right –
A potion, a potion,
Why just the very notion
Is enough to make my tummy sing!
There’s many kinds of magic
and while some of it is tragic
A potion’s always a good thing
And the next time I’m able
I’ll sit down at a table
And order me a rabbit stew
And if I get indigestion
Way down deep in my intestines,
The answer’s clear, I’m telling you…
I’ll have a potion, a potion,
Why just the very notion
Is enough to make my tummy sing!
There’s many kinds of magic
and while some of it is tragic
A potion’s always a good thing
Spoken:
HIRSUTE: When did you meet a man named Bill?
FLOYD: It’s called artistic license, Hirsute.
HIRSUTE: MacGuffin.
FLOYD: Bless you.

The party comes across the Dagda Bridge.

GUY: Hey, look! The Dagda Bridge!
VIRGIL: Hey, now that we’re encountering it in the daylight, what say I translate these runes, huh?
GUY: You can do that?
VIRGIL: Yeah, it’s one of the things I learned back at the Abbey.

VIRGIL concentrates on the bridge. A GIRL GHOST appears.

GHOST: Boo!
FLOYD: Gah!

GUY, VIRGIL, and HIRSUTE apparently don’t see the ghost.

VIRGIL: Shh! I’m trying to concentrate here!
GHOST: Hi!
FLOYD: (Quietly) Um, hi.
GHOST: What are you doing here?
FLOYD: Reading the bridge, apparently. You?
GHOST: I live here.
FLOYD: Do you, now?
GHOST: Mm-hmm. I have to live here until someone finds my body.
FLOYD: Your bo – your body?
GHOST: Yep.
FLOYD: Well, where is it?
GHOST: Down there.

SHE indicates the bottom of the ravine.

If someone finds my body, I can go to heaven. Will you do it?
FLOYD: Um… sure?
GHOST: Thanks!

SHE disappears.

FLOYD: Guys, I hate to break it to you, but we have a side quest.
GUY: What are you talking about?
FLOYD: Remember that little girl ghost that appeared to us the first time we crossed this bridge?
GUY: I don’t remember much other than the Barghest.
HIRSUTE: I remember.
FLOYD: Good man. Well, that ghost just told me that her body is down at the bottom of the ravine, and she has to haunt this place until someone goes down there and retrieves it.
GUY: Okay… add it to the list.
FLOYD: The list?
GUY: Floyd, we’ve got too much to do to worry about one body at the bottom of the ravine. We’ll get back to it.
FLOYD: Oh, I see. If it’s not one of your projects, it doesn’t take priority.
GUY: That’s not what I meant, it’s just –
FLOYD: Then who decides what gets priority?

Suddenly, ERIC ‘s head appears, glowing:

ERIC: Message – gang, I need you to meet me back at the Warriort’s Rest, post-haste.
GUY: Post-haste?
ERIC: Yeah, this has top priority.

ERIC’s head vanishes.

FLOYD: Okay, I guess the big giant head does.
GUY: Virgil, are you about finished?
VIRGIL: Yeah. This whole bridge is a scroll.
HIRSUTE: What kind of scroll?
VIRGIL: If I’m reading this, correctly, this scroll, once read, will summon something called the Wild Hunt.

Chord.

FLOYD: The Wild Hunt? The Wild Hunt?
HIRSUTE: I take it he’s heard of the Wild Hunt!
FLOYD: Hell, yes, I have! The Wild Hunt is a crazy scary entity that tracks you down, and then, well, who knows what happens to you? Nobody! The Wild Hunt is that scary. A big mofo wears horns on his head! Do not mess with The Wild Hunt – unless you absolutely have to, which we might, but man oh man, will you ever regret it!

The others look at each other and chuckle.

GUY: Let’s go. Floyd and his stories…
FLOYD: Son of a bitch. The Wild Hunt…

Exeunt. The bridge moves off as the Warrior’s Rest moves in. ERIC and SAMARID are outside.

ERIC: Floyd, Virgil, Guy, Hirsute. You’re looking well. Where’s Brixmore?
GUY: We sent him a message to meet us here. What’s up, Eric?
ERIC: I’ve learned some things about why Abbott Teris sought to protect those of us who were born in the Year of the Ram. Apparently, there were only twelve births during that year, of which we know about six – Zarin, Floyd, Guy, Brix, Virgil, and myself. The others are out there somewhere, and we’ve yet to find them. Apparently, there are a number of theories tied to a group of twelve that would be born during the year of the ram. In one Western theory, it is foretold that a Year of the Ram member will rise to the throne of Arimathea. In the East, it is believed that the twelve of that year will bring about Armageddon.
VIRGIL: Heavy.
ERIC: Yeah. And do you know who the last set of the Year of the Ram kids were who were born in a group of twelve? They were the disciples of the Proclaimer.

GOLDSCHMIDTT enters.

GOLDSCHMIDTT: Am I interrupting?
ERIC: Actually, yes.
GOLDSCHMIDTT: Oh, well. I always am, it seems. Anyway, there’s some Lizardfolk outside who want to talk to you.

FLOYD, VIRGIL, HIRSUTE, & GUY look at each other.

GUY: Lizardfolk?
HIRSUTE: Outside?
VIRGIL: Talk?
FLOYD: Some?

GUY looks at ERIC.

GUY: Sorry, Eric. We… have to take care of this.

Three LIZARDFOLK enter the tavern.

LIZARDFOLK #1: Are you the Fiftynames’ brothers and company?
VIRGIL: (quietly) Remind me that we need to come up with a better name than that.
GUY: That’s us. What can we do for you –
FLOYD: -Lizard-
GUY: - folks?
LIZARDFOLK #1: Chief Bricka has sent us to find you and bring you back to the village on a matter of great importance.
GUY: Well, no offense, but we’re kind of in the middle of something. What could be so important?
LIZARDFOLK #1: We have found Stonehoof, son of Proudtail, the Chief of the Centaurs. He has been wounded, and is recovering in our village.
FLOYD: What’s that you say, Guy? A present for me? (Mimes opening a gift) Why, it’s someone else’s problem – how sweet of you to give it to us!

GUY turns around and cold-cocks FLOYD, who falls down, unconscious. BRIX enters.

BRIX: Hey, guys! What’d I miss?

Curtain closes.

End of Act I