Session 9: Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey Part Three: Puzzles and Traps

Act II

Open at the Dadga Bridge. A gnome in a silly hat and business-y robes sits on the bridge, singing a song. This is PHILIPI.

PHILIPI:
Singing:
Oh,
Of all the professions in this merry merry world,
Nothing beats being a scribe!
Observing the world and writing it down
makes me feel oh ever so alive!
So I find myself sitting here on the bridge
Increasing the sum of civil knowledge
It’s a lifestyle with many an ad-a-vantage,
So the conclusion at which I arrive
Is that nothing ever ever ever ever
Ever ever ever ever
Ever ever ever ever ever ever evAHr –
Ever beats being a scribe!
Spoken:
Ah, now for a little peace and quiet whilst I translate the runes on this bridge!

Noises off – the sounds of boisterous conversation. GUY, BRIXMORE, HIRSUTE, and FLOYD enter.

HIRSUTE: Bullshit!
FLOYD: You don’t want to believe me? That’s fine. Then I propose a drinking contest!
HIRSUTE: Right here and now?
FLOYD: Right here and now – in fact, this random stranger can officiate!
PHILIPI: Um, that’s okay, really.
HIRSUTE: No fair! He’s a gnome – he’ll be biased towards you.
FLOYD: Hirsute, something you need to understand – everyone is going to be biased towards me. (laughs) I’m Floyd Fiftynames!
PHILIPI: Who?
HIRSUTE: You’re on.
FLOYD: Brixmore, you want in on this action?

BRIX cracks his neck.

BRIX: Sounds good. Count me in.
HIRSUTE: Guy?
GUY: I’ll pass.

GUY approaches PHILIPI. FLOYD, BRIX, and HIRSUTE pull out the bottles of gnomish blue and fire whiskey and start drinking.

I’m Guy. What’s your name?
PHILIPI: Name’s Philipi the scribe.
GUY: A scribe, huh? What brings you out here in the middle of the Twilight Lands?
PHILIPI: I’m translating the runes on this bridge for my boss, Doogal.

Chord.

GUY: Doogal?
PHILIPI: Yeah – do you know him?
GUY: I’ve heard the name.
PHILIPI: I’m putting together a book of significant features of the Western Continent.
GUY: Really? I’d love to buy a copy of it when you’re finished.
PHILIPI: No problem. What’s your name again?

BRIX stumbles up to GUY.

BRIX: Guy… Guy… you have to come drink with us.
GUY: No thanks, Brixmore. You three have fun.
BRIX: Just try this Gnomish Blue.
PHILIPI: Gnomish Blue? And you’re drinking it out of the bottle? Are you trying to commit suicide? I usually water mine down with a sugar cube and three gallons of milk.
BRIX: Come on, Guy! Issgonnabeawesum!
GUY: Fine. If I take a sip, will you leave me alone?
BRIX: My word is my bond.

The curtain closes. LILY the Mer-gnome enters with a sign that reads, “The Next Morning!”

LILY: Mer-gnomes!

The curtain opens. We are at the bottom of the ravine, underneath the bridge. A cavern on which it is written “Spooky Cavern! Come no further!” lies upstage. BRIX, FLOYD, GUY, and
HIRSUTE are all passed out. They groggily come to.

GUY: What happened last night?
FLOYD: Gnomish blue, baby. Accept no substitutes.
GUY: How did we get down here?
HIRSUTE: That’s probably best left unexplained, if this cheese in my pants is any indication.
BRIX: Ohhhhhh…
GUY: Is Brix okay?
FLOYD: He tied it on harder than any of us.
HIRSUTE: He’s a little green around the gills, but otherwise, none the worse for wear.
GUY: Well, since we’re down here, we should probably investigate that ghost you were telling us about, Floyd. Where should we start?
FLOYD: My guess would be that cavern over there.
HIRSUTE: Are you crazy? It’s spooky!
GUY: Then we’ll perform my spooky cavern test.

GUY chucks a rock into the cavern. We hear a loud splash.

Well, who feels like going swimming?

FLOYD ties a rope to his waist.

FLOYD: I’ll go. I used to be mer-gnome.
HIRSUTE: What?
FLOYD: Never mind.

FLOYD exits into the cavern. B-Stage opens up to reveal an underground cavern with a large rock wall, a pool of water, and a decrepit chapel. FLOYD appears from the bottom of the pool and climbs out onto the shore. As he wrings out his clothes, a FEY appears inside the rock. This is ALVIN.

ALVIN: Hi.
FLOYD: Gah! What are you, another ghost?
ALVIN: No, I’m a fey who can only come to this world by manifesting myself in rocks. The name’s Alvin, but you can call me Al.
FLOYD: Well, I’m not going to sing a song about that.
ALVIN:…who said you had to?
FLOYD: No one… I guess. Touche, Al.

FLOYD tugs on the rope. Almost immediately, GUY, BRIX, and HIRSUTE emerge from the pool. FLOYD looks to the audience:

Sped up for dramatic effect.
BRIX: (sputtering) That’s one way to fight a hangover!
GUY: Floyd – what’cha got?
FLOYD: Underground cavern, unseely trapped in a rock, decrepit church – you know, Tuesday.
HIRSUTE: Hey buddy –
ALVIN: Al –
HIRSUTE: Hirsute MacGuffin, nice to meet you. Say, you seen any little girl ghosts around here?

The GHOST of the little girl appears behind HIRSUTE.

ALVIN: You mean like that one?

HIRSUTE looks behind him at the GHOST, then returns his gaze to ALVIN.

HIRSUTE: Yes, like that one – w-w-wha? A g-g-g-ghost!
GHOST: Hi!
FLOYD: Oh, hi there! We came looking for you.
GHOST: You’ve got to get out of here, or he’ll get mad.
BRIX: Who’s he?
ALVIN: Oh, did I forget to tell you about the wraith?

A WRAITH enters from the ruins of the church.

FLOYD: I think I’d remember if you had.
ALVIN: Oh. My mistake.
GUY: Brixmore, can you fend him off?
BRIX: No worries – my holy symbol will keep him at bay!

BRIX shines his holy symbol at the WRAITH. It recoils, but does not retreat.

Um, we might need stronger magic than I have handy.

HIRSUTE and GUY swing wildly at the WRAITH.

HIRSUTE: Well, our weapons aren’t doing any good!
GHOST: (to FLOYD) Inside the church!
FLOYD: What?
GHOST: There’s a knife – hurry and get it!

FLOYD runs into the church, and comes out with a dagger, which he tosses to GUY. GUY stabs the WRAITH, who writhes in pain before disappearing.

GHOST: Thank you! I’m free now! Here’s a present!

The GHOST vanishes, leaving behind a coin. BRIX picks it up.

BRIX: Another one of the twelve pieces!
GUY: Wow! Good side quest, Floyd.
HIRSUTE: Let’s get out of here.

The party begins get into the pool.

ALVIN: Bye now! And hey, just say my name near a rock if you ever want to summon me!
FLOYD: Thanks. I’ll remember that the next time I want to talk to someone inside a rock.

And they’re gone. B Stage closes; A Stage re-opens to reveal the Cracked Flagon’s interior, bustling with activity. FLOYD, GUY, BRIX, and HIRSUTE are standing at the bar, talking to TOK.

…and that’s how come you should never drink Gnomish Blue straight from the bottle.

An ILLREAN RANGER, clad in black leather armor, approaches the party.

RANGER: Pardon me – I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. You boys are pretty brave.
GUY: Um, thanks.
HIRSUTE: Who are you?
RANGER: I am an Illrean Ranger. We are an order dedicated to bringing peace and justice to our lands and beyond.
GUY: Great! So, anyway, Tok, we were thinking…
RANGER: (continues, oblivious) As it happens, I think I have a theory about the what’s been plaguing these lands of late.
GUY: What?
BRIX: I think he’s having his own conversation.
RANGER: If you ask me –
HIRSUTE: We didn’t.
RANGER: - I think goblins are responsible.
FLOYD: Oh, I disagree. I think goblins, by their chaotic nature, are actually very irresponsible.
TOK: Are you crazy, Ranger? There haven’t been goblins this far west in years?
RANGER: Exactly, which is why it begs the question –
HIRSUTE: It doesn’t.
RANGER: - why are they back?
TOK: Assuming they’re even here.
RANGER: Oh, they’re here… even now, lurking among us, any one of your patrons could be a deadly green-skinned scourge in disguise!
Sings
They’re always telling lies
And their beady little eyes
Are looking for a way to
Cut you down to size
Skin so sallow and so green
They’re the opposite of clean
They will terrorize your family
They will feast upon your spleen!
Goblins! Oh, they might say, nice to meet you,
But deep inside
They try to hide
They just really want to eat you
Dreadful Goblins! Lurk outside your house at night
Now that you’ve heard
Give me your word
To give them a good fight!
Spoken:
CUSTOMER: But how can we protect ourselves against the goblin threat?
RANGER: I’m glad you asked…
Sings:
You must always keep alert
Unless you wish to flirt
With the frightful possibility
Of your children being hurt
Keep a sword beside your bed
Also needle and some thread
On the off chance that you wound yourself
When cutting off their heads
Goblins! They try to sneak into your room
There’s no sub
For a proper club
‘cause you can’t beat them with a broom
Filthy Goblins! They will try to rape your wife
So stick a spear
Inside their ear
If you want to save her life!
RANGER & CUSTOMERS: Goblins!
RANGER: They are coming to your town
CUSTOMERS: Defend your farm
With your pole arm
And take those filthy bastards down!
Evil Goblins! Don’t let them see the light of day
Show no remorse,
Spare no recourse,
Until they’re all driven away!

Spoken; music under.

RANGER: There is no known cure for the disease Goblinitis –
HIRSUTE: Because it doesn’t exist.
RANGER: … says you. Anyway, the only prescribed treatment is a healthy dose of ass-whompin’, which I will mete out to every goblin with terrible authority!
CUSTOMER: But how does one recognize the symptoms of Goblinitis?
BRIX: (to the customer, re: the Ranger) Do you know this guy?
RANGER: Well, if anyone would know, it’d be me, because I have a doctorate in Goblinology.
HIRSUTE:… no you don’t.
Sings:
RANGER: A common customary sign
That you have been so aligned
Is that your face is pale and green
Like it’s been soaked in pickle brine
And there’s no mistaking if you saw
The rotund goblinitis jaw
With pointed, razor-sharp teeth
That adorn that gaping maw
Goblins! They will eat all your livestock
And nothing will protect them
Even if your front gate locks
Fucking goblins! They are masters of disguise
They’ll be dressed as sheep
Wait ‘til you’re asleep,
And then they’ll terrorize!
RANGER, CUSTOMER, & FLOYD: Goblins! Oh, they might say, nice to meet you,
But deep inside
They try to hide
They just really want to eat you
Dreadful Goblins! Lurk outside your house at night
Now that you’ve heard
Give me your word
To give them a good fight!
Button. Spoken:

GUY: (to FLOYD) You just had to get in on that last chorus, didn’t you?
FLOYD: Do you even know me?
BRIX: I don’t mean to be a wet blanket here, but can we do something that advances the story a little bit?
GUY: Sure, Brix. What were we doing in the first place?
BRIX: Well, when I found you guys at the Warrior’s Rest last week, you were talking to some Lizardfolk about the son of the Centaur chief being convalesced in their village.
TOK: Wait, wait, stop. You guys know where Stonehoof is?
HIRSUTE: Um, yeah.
TOK: And you’re supposed to be taking him back to the centaurs as we speak?
FLOYD: Well, not as we speak, necessarily…
TOK: Then what the hell are you doing in my bar listening to this guy sing?
RANGER: I bear a very important warning about future events, and I –
TOK: Shut up! Now, you four, get your asses out of here and go take care of this!
FLOYD: Okay! This really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?
TOK: Fact is, I’m kind of tired of being captured and interrogated every night when I got to use the outhouse.
GUY: Understandable. So we’re off, right? It’s only a day’s walk to the village.
FLOYD: Pffsssh. I can get us there in three minutes.
GUY: How?
FLOYD: Power of song, brother. Power of song.
GUY: Must we? We just had a song.
FLOYD: Well, the last part only had one song, so I’ve got to make up some lost ground.
Sings:
Say you’ve got to get somewhere,
And you need to get there fast,
You’re a tortoise in a race,
And you can’t afford to come in last…

Light isolates FLOYD, BRIX, GUY, and HIRSUTE

Put on your hat!Grab up your gear
We’re gonna take a ride
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
Just sail out on the tide
When you tend to take things in the literal sense
You have to round every corner and jump every fence
But traveling through song is what gives you license
To head from A to B
Without passing every tree!
HIRSUTE: Oh,
The journey can take so long!
FLOYD & HIRSUTE: But a journey becomes a jaunt
When lovingly expressed in vibrant song!
FLOYD: So…
FLOYD: Put on your hat.
GUY: I’m not doing that.
FLOYD: Grab up your gear
GUY: Fuck you in your ear.
FLOYD: We’re gonna take a ride
GUY: I’m not going for a ride
FLOYD: Through the power of song
GUY: I’d rather be a thief
FLOYD: There’s no going wrong
GUY: than suspend disbelief
FLOYD: Just sail out on the tide
GUY: walking will suit me fine
FLOYD: Don’t take everything in a literal sense
GUY: Singing this song is making me tense
FLOYD: But traveling through song is what gives you license
To bypass all that crap
Like ambushes, monsters, and traps!
BRIX: I –
Think Floyd has a point
FLOYD & BRIX: so give in to me (him)
And we swear that we won’t disappoint!
FLOYD: So…
Put on your hat.
Spoken:
GUY: I don’t even have a hat!
Sings:
FLOYD: Wipe off that frown,
And join us in our dance
Through the power of song
There’s no going wrong
If you just give it a chance!
Stop taking things in a literal sense
And the Fiftynames Express will finally commence
HIRSUTE & BRIX: Come on now, Guy, it’s not worth the suspense!

GUY sighs, resigned, and does a little dance step.

FLOYD, HIRSUTE, and BRIX: Now up, up, and away –
FLOYD: To Cali-forni-a!

Button. A set flies in for the Santa Monica Pier. A seagull flies by and poops on GUY. Several HOMELESS MEN enter.
Spoken:

HOMELESS MEN: You got a dollar, buddy?
GUY: Floyd, what the hell is this?
FLOYD: Oops. One more time, from the key change.
Sings:
FLOYD, HIRSUTE, and BRIX: So let this song evoke –
The Village of the Lizardfolk!

Button. Santa Monica flies out and the Lizardfolk Village flies in. BRICKA is there to meet them.

BRICKA: Good to see you lads, again.
GUY: Good to see you, too, Bricka.
BRICKA: Hey… where’s Virgil?

A beat. Suddenly, it dawns on the group that VIRGIL hasn’t been here for several pages.

BRIX: What the hell?
HIRSUTE: How long has he been –
FLOYD: Did we even leave the Warrior’s Rest with him?
GUY: I don’t think so.
BRIX: Oh, man!
HIRSUTE: Where is he?

B-Stage opens to reveal a dank dungeon cell with a table in the middle. VIRGIL and ELLIOTT are playing cards.

ELLIOTT: You got any grim reapers?
VIRGIL: Nope. Go fish.

B-Stage closes.
SICKATOR, the new shaman in town, enters.

SICKATOR: Bricka! What are these infidels doing here in the village?
BRICKA: Easy, Sickator. They’re just here to get Stonehoof back to his pride.
BRIX: Who’s that?
BRICKA: Sickator, he’s the new shaman. He’s Likalik’s son.
BRIX: Lovely.
SICKATOR: They will not survive the night if they remain!

SICKATOR storms off.

HIRSUTE: This promises to end well.

Noises off, screaming, and flames. A Lizardfolk warrior runs in.

WARRIOR: Chief Bricka, Chief Bricka! Sickator torched the medical encampment, sir, with Stonehoof in it!
BRICKA: Is he - ?
WARRIOR: No, sir, he’s alive, but Sickator has run off in the direction of the Bloody Crag!
GUY: We’re on it. Hirsute –
HIRSUTE: -MacGuffin –
GUY: You go find Virgil and bring him back to us. Brix, can you attend to Stonehoof?
BRIX: Aye.
GUY: Floyd… you’re with me.
FLOYD: Well, all right! Where are we going?
GUY: After Sickator. This time, it’s personal.
FLOYD: In what way?
GUY: Well, it’s not, really, but I was trying to think of a way to end on a dramatic note.
FLOYD: (sniffles) I’ve never been prouder of you.
GUY: But if it’s not personal, what can we say?
FLOYD: Anything. Just use that righteous inflection you had going on.
GUY: Okay… This time, it’s… I can’t think of anything.
FLOYD: It doesn’t matter. You could even say, “I forgot to put on my pants this morning,” and it would sound cool if you say it like that. Try it.
GUY: You sure?
FLOYD: Absolutely.
GUY: We’re going after Sickator. I forgot to put on pants this morning.
FLOYD: Hm. Wasn’t as effective as I thought.

Curtain Closes.

End of Act II