Sessions 5 & 6 (Mostly): Floyd's Puppet Theatre Interpretation

The Order of the Abbey, Part II: Ripening Just in Time for Harvest
ACT II

The Curtain opens on FLOYD, VIRGIL, and GUY sneaking into the Tower of the Broken Moon. It’s dark and dank in here.

FLOYD (almost whispering): Hi, there folks. Floyd Fiftynames here. My brother Guy, Virgil, and I are currently skulking about the Tower of the Broken Moon, a tower overlooking the Dreia cemetery.

From offstage, a terrifying creak.

Seriously, I could vacation here. Guy was a little gung-ho to start investigating, so we left the Inn of the Jolly Badger without Hirsute, who has a nasty stomach flu, and without Brix, who is over at the church, studying with Friar Sal. Brix said he’d catch up with us, but personally, I’d feel much more comfortable exploring a cemetery tower with a cleric in tow.

GUY and VIRGIL stop sneaking, and turn to look at FLOYD.

Since the last time you saw us, the gang has found Zarin, but it looks like he won’t be joining us on our adventures. Seems he’s got his own game to play, and he’s not really interested in playing ours. Meanwhile, Guy went to buy a dog, but they didn’t have a dog, so he got a meerkat instead –
GUY: Hey!
FLOYD: What?
GUY: Shut up!
VIRGIL: We’re trying to sneak around here!
FLOYD: Fine (to the audience) I’ll try and catch you up later.

FLOYD, GUY, and VIRGIL continue sneaking. They come across a door.

VIRGIL: What is it?
GUY: It’s a door.
VIRGIL: Oh, a wise guy, eh?

Stooge business. FLOYD opens the door. Wall flies out to reveal a RAVID caught in a spell circle.

VIRGIL: Hey, look! A thing!
FLOYD: It’s called a Ravid. I’ve read about these.
GUY: He looks like he’s paralyzed.
VIRGIL: Probably has something to do with these markings on the floor.
GUY: My boots will make short work of those!

GUY kicks the markings around. The RAVID is free.

RAVID: Thanks! I owe you one.
GUY: One what?
RAVID: Gotta go!

The RAVID flies out.

GUY: Lovely.
VIRGIL: Hey, look! Vials!
FLOYD: What do they do?
VIRGIL: I don’t know, but consider it looted!

VIRGIL puts the vials in his backpack. The BOYS continue moving. The wall flies back in, as they come across another door. GUY opens it. The room is revealed to have a half-completed construct in it.

FLOYD: Neat! A metal man!

GUY smashes it with his axe.

GUY: Neat! Scrap!
FLOYD: How did you know I didn’t want to study that, maybe build one of my own?
GUY: Didn’t. Let’s go.
FLOYD: So much for that possible story arc.

The wall flies back in as the boys walk. Suddenly – ZOMBIES!

VIRGIL: Egad! Zombies!
FLOYD: Sweet rectum of the Proclaimer!

A fight ensues. GUY dispatches many ZOMBIES handily with his axe. VIRGIL attacks them with a dagger. FLOYD runs a ZOMBIE through with his rapier, only to find it has little effect.

Hey, what gives?
GUY: You can’t stab Zombies, Floyd.
FLOYD: I don’t understand this, “can’t stab” concept you speak of.
VIRGIL: Zombies got to be chopped!
FLOYD: Great. So I’m worse than useless.
ZOMBIE: Rawr!
VIRGIL: Not exactly – you could sing.
FLOYD: Really?
GUY: Yeah. I hate to say it, but it’s almost like I fight better when you sing. Maybe it’s because your singing makes me angry.
FLOYD: (gushing) Flattery will get you everywhere! (to the ZOMBIE that is still impaled on his rapier) Hey, ugly! I’m not interested in you as a kebab. Get the hell off my sword!
ZOMBIE: Rawr?
FLOYD: The least you guys can do is back me up.
Sings:
Come equipped, come prepared
To the Zombie carnival!
Bring your longsword, your kama,
Or your fancy falchion!
There will be tons of slashing
For all who are involved
Unless your sword’s for piercing
In which case
You’re shit out of luck.
Spoken:
Is this really helping?
GUY: It really is.
FLOYD: Okay.
Sings:
It’s an orgy of undead
We’ll have rotting flesh galore
And a glut of chopped remains
Will cover up the floor!
Come to the Tower of the Broken Moon
That’s where it’s going down,
Unless you fight with arrows
In which case
VIRGIL: You’re shit out of luck.
Spoken:
FLOYD: That’s right!
Sings:
Kukris, sickles, and greataxes
They all can have some fun –
But if you’re the sap who’s carrying a sap
Then you’re going to have none!
GUY: Come chow down on the fodder
ZOMBIES: Before we chow down on you –
We want to eat your brains
To us, you’re adventurer stew!
FLOYD: And all you’ll need is a weapon
That’s gauranteed to chop
Because if your weapon pokes holes –
Then you’re shit out of luck!
ZOMBIES: You’re shit out of luck!

GUY chops the last ZOMBIE down. Spoken:

FLOYD: That was fun!
GUY: Don’t get comfortable yet. We’ve still got one more room.

VIRGIL opens the door. The Wall flies out, revealing several more ZOMBIES and one BIG MOFO.

VIRGIL: This just keeps getting better and better.
BIG MOFO: Urgh!

The BIG MOFO points at the three BOYS. The ZOMBIES converge on them.

FLOYD: Well, it was good while it lasted, wasn’t it?
VIRGIL: My friends, I do not think we are going to survive this fight.

Enter BRIX in all his cleric-y glory.
Sings:

BRIX: Stand back, everyone,
Brix the Dwarf is here,
Filling all the undead creatures
Evil hearts with fear
By the will of the Proclaimer
And the glory of my god,
Return these corpses to the sod!
Spoken:
ZOMBIES: Rawr!

The ZOMBIES retreat in fear. BIG MOFO watches them go, then roars at the party.

BRIX: Compadres, your odds have just improved.
GUY: Floyd, see that ladder in the back?
FLOYD: Yeah?
GUY: Go see what’s up there. The rest of us are gonna take this clown down.
FLOYD: Are you aware that you just rhymed?
GUY: Go!

FLOYD runs to the ladder as the other attack the BIG MOFO. As he climbs, the previous scene flies out, except the ladder, and the top room of the tower flies in. FLOYD arrives in the room and discovers the remains of an Arch-Lich.

FLOYD: Goo!

FLOYD quickly sets the remains on fire, and they burn to ash. FLOYD starts to search the room.

VIRGIL (offstage): Floyd! We killed this thing! Anything of value up there?
FLOYD: Not really.
Sings:
DEEP, DISEMBODIED VOICE: Eye of Toth, Eye of Toth, Eye of Toth…
Spoken:
FLOYD: Shut up! I can’t hear Virgil!

The Disembodied Voice stops singing.

As I was saying Virgil, there is nothing of value up here!
VIRGIL: Well, come on down then, and let’s get back to town!
FLOYD: Okay.

FLOYD descends the stairs. The wall flies in as FLOYD rejoins BRIX, GUY, and VIRGIL.

GUY: Well, that was a thorough and interesting adventure. Good practice for something hard, you know?

Suddenly a horde of GRIMLOCKS enter and pummel GUY to death.

VIRGIL: You mean like that?
BRIX: Guy? Guy?

BRIX leans over to GUY, then looks up at FLOYD and VIRGIL.

He’s dead.
FLOYD turns to the audience.

FLOYD: Oh, damn! You guys didn’t see that one coming, did you? Is this end of Guy? How will the prophecies of the Year of the Ram play out now? What of his meerkat? WHAT OF HIS MEERKAT?! We’ll find out next time, in another exciting installment of –

GUY sits up with a gasp of breath.

VIRGIL: Guy!
BRIX: You’re alive!
VIRGIL: Wait, he is? How do we know?
FLOYD: Simple. I’ll stab him with my rapier, and if he doesn’t die, then he’s a zombie and must be destroyed. Ready, Guy?
GUY: No! I’m alive, you morons! Remember that Ravid that we saved from the spell circle?
FLOYD: No.
GUY: It just happened ten minutes ago.
FLOYD: I have a tendency to delete experiences out of my short term memory bank that don’t involve me getting some.
GUY: …so I’m in limbo, and this Ravid comes to me and says, I can return you to the world of the living, but you’ve got to do me a favor.
VIRGIL: But doesn’t he owe us one?
GUY: I wasn’t really in a position to argue.
VIRGIL: Go ahead. What’s the favor?
GUY: I have to destroy the ring on Cardinal Nikolai’s finger.
VIRGIL: (sarcastic) Oh, that’ll be easy.
GUY: Well, I’ve got to do it. And…
FLOYD: And? Aw, crumbs! Here it comes.
GUY: I must commit myself to the service of the greater good from now on, and I can not suffer an undead to live.
BRIX: Technically speaking, undead aren’t alive.
GUY: Well, whatever the equivalent is. Anyway, my new calling is to become a holy warrior.
VIRGIL: Aren’t you already a holy warrior?
GUY: Well, yeah. But now, moreso.
FLOYD: Can we go now?
GUY: Sure.

The BOYS start walking.

VIRGIL: So where can we go to identify these vials?
BRIX: Havern told me about a wizard who doesn’t live far from here, named Garam. Maybe he can help us.
VIRGIL: Only one way to find out, right?

The Tower of the Broken Moon flies out and GARAM’s tower flies in. BRIX knocks on the door, and GARAM, a gnome, answers.

GARAM: Hello?
VIRGIL: Hi, we’re here to see Garam?
GARAM: Who are you?
VIRGIL: We’re four boys from the Morningstar Abbey who have set out on our own to find adventure, sir.
GARAM: The Morningstar Abbey, you say? Do you boys know a Dr. Ethan?
BRIX: Yes sir, I was his apprentice for many years. Do you know him?
GARAM: As a matter of fact, I do. We’re good friends. Come on in, boys.

The interior of GARAM’s house flies in.

So, what can I do for you?
VIRGIL: We obtained these vials in the Tower of the Broken Moon. We were hoping you could tell us what they do.
GARAM: Identification, eh? Sounds easy enough. I’ll do it, but you boys need to do a job for me in return.
VIRGIL: What would that be?
GARAM: Well, you could do one of two things I’ve been meaning to get around to. One, you could go investigate the Dagda Bridge, and find out about the ghost that haunts it.
FLOYD: Next.
GARAM: Or, you could go check out the Old Mill for me.
FLOYD: So, the ghost, then?
BRIX: Wait a minute. Maybe we should go back to the Old Mill.
FLOYD: Are we going to have to go through this again?
Sings:
Somewhere way up in the Twilight Lands
Is dusty, run-down old mill
Spoken:
GUY: Shut up, Floyd. Although, I must say, I agree with him. We got pretty close to the Old Mill, and there’s no reason I much want to go back.
VIRGIL & BRIX: Greater good.
GUY: To the Old Mill!
FLOYD: Son of a bitch!

HIRSUTE enters.

HIRSUTE: Just as soon as we complete a task Havern has assigned to us!
VIRGIL: Hirsute!
GUY: MacGuffin!
BRIX: What job?
HIRSUTE: I told Havern we’d investigate the disappearance of the son of one of his farmer friends.
FLOYD: Wait a minute. Farmer?
HIRSUTE: Yeah.
FLOYD: Child?
HIRSUTE: Uh-huh.
FLOYD: Disappearance?
HIRSUTE: Yep.
FLOYD: That sounds like it has nothing to do with the Old Mill! Let’s go.
VIRGIL: Garam, do you mind if we do this first?
GARAM: Be my guest. I’ll be waiting with your vials when you return.

GARAM exits and his house flies out.

BRIX: So what’s the story with this kid, Hirsute?
HIRSUTE: Well, his parents think he may have gotten the urge to start adventuring, so he ran away from home. Now, he’s missing. He was last seen at an Inn out on the road East, called The Cracked Flagon.
GUY: Sounds to me like that’s where we’re going, then.

The BOYS exit. The interior of the Cracked Flagon flies in – a warm and inviting place. Several inside, among them, OLD TOM, a storyteller, GRAHAM, a minotaur bouncer, and TOK, the bartender / owner. Also, GRUTH is there. The BOYS enter.

VIRGIL: What a nice looking place… well, well. What’s this?
GRUTH (sees VIRGIL): Aw, crap.

VIRGIL charges at GRUTH and lays him out.

TOK: Graham!

GRAHAM enters the fray and cold-cocks HIRSUTE.

BRIX: Whoa!

GRAHAM turns to VIRGIL.

VIRGIL: Hang on, hang on there! Easy.
TOK: There’s to be no violence in this establishment!
VIRGIL: That man is a murderer!
TOK: Well, in here, he’s a customer. Take it outside.
VIRGIL: Gladly.
GRUTH’S CRONY: You knocked him clean unconscious! I need to take him upstairs to recover.
VIRGIL: Or you could just leave him here, and I’ll straight up kill him.
TOK: Not inside the bar, or in any of the rooms! Or you’ll have Graham to answer to.
VIRGIL: (frustrated) Shit.

GRUTH’S CRONIES drag him upstairs. HIRSUTE groans.

BRIX: Come on, Hirsute. Let’s take a look at that head wound, there.
GUY: So do any of you guys know a kid who came through here not too long ago?
OLD TOM: I do. Kid was looking for adventure, so I told him a tale. Name’s Old Tom. I’m a storyteller.
FLOYD: Is that a fact? Floyd Fiftynames, wandering minstrel.
OLD TOM: Nice to meet ya, Floyd. Yeah, this kid, Arthur, I think his name was, I told him a tale about Thuenger, who’s hammer is still reportedly lost in the swamps out northeast of here. So Arthur went out to find it.
GUY: Don’t you think that was a little irresponsible?
OLD TOM: Yeah, maybe. You want to buy me a drink there, pint-size?
GUY: Rage… swelling…
FLOYD: Go talk to the minotaur, why don’tcha?

GUY exits off and approaches GRAHAM.

So, Thuenger’s Hammer, huh? That story’s got whiskers on it.
OLD TOM: An oldie but a goodie.
FLOYD: Anything else we should know about the swamps up there?
OLD TOM: Yeah – watch out for the Lizardfolk. They’re all Krissk-fanatics up there.
FLOYD: Krissk?
OLD TOM: That’s the god they worship.
FLOYD: Sounds like something you stir fry.
OLD TOM: It’s no joke, boy. Lizardfolk can be downright ornery.
FLOYD: Noted. Listen, I’m getting close to an act break, you wanna play a song with me?
OLD TOM: Sure, why not?
Sings:
It’s very nice to meet you, Floyd.
FLOYD: Same to you, Old Tom,
I’d like to stay and talk some more,
OLD TOM: And I’m too drunk to stand on my own.
So let’s sing a little ditty
About the Lizardmen,
And how stupid their religion is
Especially their shaman!
Spoken:
FLOYD: Old Tom, you racist bastard, I love ya!
Sings:
I’d rather sing a song about
The dangers we have faced
Have you ever fought a dragon
Or been threatened with a mace?
OLD TOM: The closest that I’ve ever come
To risking my own life
Is when I stumble home from here
And have to face my wife!
FLOYD: Don’t tell me that you’ve never been
Across the hemisphere
To seek your glory far away
That you’ve never tasted fear?
OLD TOM: The farthest north I’ve traveled
Is to see the centaur run
A night of drinking at the Flagon
Is my idea of fun!
FLOYD: Someday I’ll come back here
To tell you of the things I’ve seen,
Of mountains, oceans, beasts and gold,
And all that’s in-between.
OLD TOM: Others have made plans like yours,
And I have always said,
With any luck, by the time you’re back,
Old Tom’ll already be dead!

Button. Spoken:

FLOYD: Now, that’s just sad.
OLD TOM: Floyd, I’m an old man. What’s sad is that I’m currently sitting on my prostate.
FLOYD: Goon!
OLD TOM: Ha! Another round!

Curtain closes.
END of ACT II